broken dreams, shattered life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by awb4130578, Nov 11, 2008.

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  1. awb4130578

    awb4130578 Member

    Well... I’ve not been right for years, about 2 years ago I lost the best job in the world and it's been a downhill struggle since then. I can't find a minute to myself, there so many things I need to do but too little time in the day...work, talk to co-workers, to TRY to get my grades up at school, and other things which vary. I've become completely alone because-well i try but I barely have any time for the few friends I have. A few of you who actually know me know I’ve wanted to end things many times before. Unfortunately my wanted to try and succeed attempts have failed-due to other crap getting in the way.
    I feel dead inside. Literally. About 3 weeks ago I was feeling better about the future even though I try not to give up so easily. I don’t know what changed although when I said I was better that was probably misleading as for the past 3 years I’ve just felt generally fucked up inside. I barely take anything in I read or hear and I feel like my memory's shot. I feel like sleeping all the time but I’m up 24/7 running on caffeine just so I don’t fuck up at work. And at night it gets bad enough to where I end up going to a friend's house and I try to get drunk with them just so I don't have to think about how messed up my life is and why it is that way. And it works. But of course everything comes back to my mind when I wake up in the morning....
    I’m very numb right now....numb to everything actually. I feel like my intelligence has been drained since I started college. Now some of the only thoughts that run through my head are constant thoughts of how I can fix myself, try to help others since I’ve tried and I can’t help myself, and the desire to just... I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore I can’t find happiness or purpose in anything anymore. Its fucking bullshit and I don’t know what I did to deserve this shit of a life. I just want feeling back, like I’m alive.......
    My heart hurts. I literally feel like my heart is broken. I want someone to come and make me feel better but no one has that ability. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day that this all started and just do it all over. I feel so guilty about letting it happen.
    I can’t do this, I’m done. I hate this.
    It all seems so fake-what people say, what people do. Like they’re going about their life and I’m just watching. None of it matters anymore. Because I’m just here, not apart of anything, not connected to anything. Just like I was dropped from the sky. I don’t matter to anyone. Almost everything I’ve ever heard is all a bunch of lies. the only ones who would notice if I didn’t wake up in the morning would be Kyle or Patrick, who would be wondering why the hell I didn’t show up to work(since I’m always there SUPER early anyways). I’m nothing to everyone else, just another face or a pain in the fuckin ass. If my life doesn’t hold value of importance to me, how can it to anyone else?
    I’m sworn to believe that I lose everything I touch. I mean, I’m so scared to talk to people now, or become friends with anyone; because I’m scared to lose them... it seems I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever befriended...I feel like that even though I’m happy in certain areas... I will always still be unhappy. I need a person in my life that will always be there for me. And I know that it's my fault in the beginning for screwing up and pushing these people in my life away. I just wish I could take it all back. I really do regret a lot of what I’ve done to my friends in the past. Even though I know we needed time apart, it should have never been permanent.
    Back in elementary school days, I was a shy young kid who had no friends at all and got teased cuz of my appearance. Things started to change though when I got a job. Everything was great! My friends, my bosses were all awesome! Then I just stopped talking to them. I feel so guilty because of this. And it takes me a great deal to say a simple sorry.
    I feel like something is missing from my life, a part of my heart that isn’t there. Love, relationship, a close friendship with someone I can be with and care for.... all the things I have missed out on so far. I miss you; I wish you were still here and that I could walk across the road now and knock on your door, even at this hour. I wish I could have had a good relationship at some time up to now... I feel empty inside, and don’t know what to do... I’ve tried ignoring it, I’ve tried talking about it.... I’ve even tried doing something about it, but the people I know and love are unavailable.
    Ok that's it; I don't get it why I'm here. And then I think-What the fuck am I doing here? To keep myself alive, feeling miserable everyday, go to- school, work, home,-(REPEAT) when older, just to do some meaningless crap I might like to do? And why would I want to help this world move? I, alone, am nothing relevant to this world, and the world is like, the world and society itself only works by a having people united, yet, in that society, each single person means nothing if alone. I'm alone. I don't want to keep trying just to survive for some reason. God I wish I was a freaking ignorant or whatever, would be here and wouldn't think of it, would be clueless and just let life go on since I wouldn't even have the feeling what this 'life' was about.
    I've been thinking a lot for a while, and it's kind of really wearing me down. I started thinking of the most stupid things. Like...I don’t know maybe the fact that all my life I thought I was attractive enough for somebody to love me. But how can they? Like really love me. Most people don’t even know the real me and when I tell them who I am they just tell me that I am crazy-even my friends tell me this. And every day that passes as I begin to feel more and more alone...it just feels like I was wrong. What's wrong with me? I thought I had a good personality and everything...damn....I guess I don’t then.... And also realizing that yeah; I am alone. Isolated even. I gave up what I had to get back to the people I love. And it's great. I DO love them all. But sometimes...I just feel so.....
    Why do I ruin everything that I come in contact with; especially relationships with people. I can always find some way to fuck it up; I can always find a way to push people away. Then I get mad because they left when I am the one who did it. Of course I do. I just pushed one of my best friends away, and I wish I would have never uttered the words “have a nice life...” way to go me…
    Why are nights the hardest?, why is it every night I feel so utterly alone?, VERY angry, and not wanting to go on anymore. Every night it's the same thing. You know, people are always saying how strong I am but I am not, I am one of the weakest people I know, I am always wanting to give up and hide. I would rather feel miserable than try to find happiness because it's too hard and more than likely I will never achieve it.
    Sitting here thinking that everything I try to do right I end up doing wrong. I hate it so much. here's an example of that....I try to help someone who can’t admit that they need help themselves and it all goes down the drain. It just pisses me off. If you loves someone, TRUELY love someone, wouldn’t you want to help them when they need it the most even if they can’t admit to themselves that something is wrong? that’s what I was trying to do and it didn’t work... it’s like everything I did was for nothing…
    I am being ignored. All these people I thought were my friends...they don't include me in their conversations, they act like I'm invisible, they never seem to notice me. Yet they don't hate me-at least I don’t think they do. No, when they do notice me they are really nice. They talk to me, ask me how life has been, actually seem to care about what's been going on. I can't stand that my friends talk about me like I'm not there!!! I spent my whole life running away from people that make me feel bad...these people were my friends before, (at least they seemed like it), they were nice and sweet and made me feel like I belonged.
    You know where I feel is the only place I belong, now? history class! I mean, I like history, but if I feel like I belong in the classroom talking to my teacher about wars more than I belong at work and with my own friends, then something's definitely fuckin wrong. And no one cares that anything is wrong. Work doesn't care, my friends don't seem care...It's days like this where I wonder why I'm here, in this world. I will never do anything in my life time to help the world. And all I can feel now is pain.
    That's all my life is, now. A lot of pain. No one would really miss me anyways. Maybe I'm a mistake. Maybe everyone in this whole world wouldn't even notice if I was gone.
    My “friends” say I’m "friends" with them on facebook but they don’t even bother to stop and even say HI. Hell all ya gotta do is find my wall, write HI and click send. It not that hard to figure out!!!!!
    Being nice doesn’t count either. You actually have to act like you want to be friends with me. Just cuz I work my fuckin ass off everyday doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to take a day off of work to go do something with some co-workers or friends one day or sometime after work. I would. It’s just that no one has ever asked me do go out and do something with them before. NEVER -EVER -IN -MY -ENTIRE -LIFE HAS SOMEONE EVER ASKED MY TO DO SOMETHING WITH THEM!!!!!!!!! IT SUCKS!!!!!!! I have asked them to do something but they have never asked me.
    And yeah I’ve tried "putting myself out there" and all I end up doing is making myself look like a COMPLETE IDIOT!!!!!!!!
    You know what I think? I don't think I'm alive. I think I died a while ago, and somehow got trapped in my body, which has another soul trying to inhabit it-now that I'm dead, and I got sent to hell but I'm only half-way there so I'm living in hell-on-earth. Because that is EXACTLY what it feels like. And for all I know, it's true. I can't stand this...

    yeah when i drink on friday nights and go to work saturday and work an 8 hour shift on saturdays i get really angry by the end of the shift-but is that because i was drinking the night before or is that cuz of the shift being too long and me working so long in one day? how do i know if i am drunk or if iv'e had a hangover? i have only drank enough to where i can forget about everything and im really h'appy and it gives me a headache and then that stays till the next day and night....everynight i try to off myself-strangling myself-but just end up with a huge headache...

    im 20. im trans-FTM. im gay. please call me landon. i start hormone therapy Jan. 1st and yes everyone-including my parents know about it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2008
  2. chidori

    chidori Member

    It sounds like there are many things in your life that your unhappy with. It also looks like there are a few things that are within your power to change.

    Make plans. Find a new job, join a club a school that interests you, I also recommend to stop the drinking, honestly self medication doesn't help, I know the allure of it, I've been there. Have some you time. Read a book, play a video game, write a story, hell color in a coloring book. I know you say you don't have time. Make the time, you are the most important thing. What is your job your schooling if you aren't happy. Call in sick if you have to seriously. Also, get some sleep! Having no rest just leaves you feeling run down and will just exacerbate the problem. You mention headaches alot, have you gone to a doctor about this? You may be suffering from migranes, medication can help with that.

    People may just be having a hard time with your feelings. Even if you haven't shared you suicidal thoughts with them. People give off vibes when they have given up on life and they may just not know how to help you. When I'm having suicidal feelings I feel alone too, like no one cares about me. All I can see are the bad things. That your friends are open to spending time with you shows they do have an interest in you and your welfare. It would be just as easy to say no I'm busy when you ask to hang out.

    I hope some of this helped you. I'm very sorry that you feel so hurt and alone *huggles* If you ever need a ear to listen, just let me know :D
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You have done so many brave things that you surely do have pockets of resources...I know what it is like to work too much, but sometimes, it is my excuse for not pushing myself to do other things...hope you get to see some of your friends, big hug, J
     
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