Broken heart after 14-years (long read)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SGVImport, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. SGVImport

    SGVImport New Member

    Hi there everybody! I am glad I found this forum for the fastest way to talk to someone about the feeling. I know many of us are suffering from many different pain that lead us to a certain point of our lives where suicide is the only way out.

    I want to share my feelings and the backstory about my nasty broken heart.

    14 years ago I met the love of my life on a gaming message board. We felt in love quickly as he asked if I want to be his soul mate. I was feeling the same so we hit off. Due to a long distance relationship (I came to the States shortly before I met him) we tried to spend as much as we can together via different method of communications. Instant messaging, phone calls, emails, and of course the game.

    Few years went by and he was hired by a major gaming company here in southern California. I was more than excited to finally be able to live with him. Granted I'm in LA metro area and he's in Orange County (between LA and San Diego), the daily commute would be way too much so we decided to see each other on the weekends.

    Years passed by. I started to notice he has somehow lost the spark and was not as emotionally involved as we were in the past. Of course we would often go out on a date, a trip or whatever we can to enforce that relationship.

    It was March of this year, as I was helping him watering his lawn. He asked me "if we found someone else better, can we still be friends?". I just smiled and said yes sure. At the time I took it as a joke and nothing too serious. I remember even before then on the weekends he would be busy with his co-workers. I couldn't spend the nights there because he's afraid his roommate / co-worker who is renting his spare bedroom would find out about our relationship. I didn't want to put a dent in his job-relationship so I kept it quiet and stayed away. I want him to focus on his work and reach higher.

    Yes by now you should've know we were a homosexual couple. Keep the judgement to yourself please.

    I remember on a Friday in May, I texted him what is his plans for the weekend. As he replied that he'll be going to a movie premiere with his co-worker in the morning but is available for the rest of the weekend. Surprised I asked if it's okay to stay overnight, he said yes.

    That night... I noticed he wouldn't get intimate at all. I asked him what is wrong he simply replied nothing personal, just work stress. I left him alone a bit disappointed.

    Fast forward another week, I was in the area on a Saturday due to work and texted him let's go dinner. He said can he and one of his co-worker's friend join. I said yeah why not? The more the merrier. To me I love to meet new friends.

    That's when I met his new boyfriend. The entire time those two were present, I noticed they were closer than just friends. They would whisper to each other and stayed a distance. Due to with some other friends who are now witnesses there I didn't said much. I tired to sit right next to him but he avoided it, and end up sitting away from me with new new boyfriend. The dinner was a blur.

    I texted him that night when I get home, asking him if he and the new guy were dating. He told me "we need to talk."

    Following week I planned a surprise vacation for us and was going to tell him by Wednesday, the day he'd be in down for work-related functions. I waited anxiously for him in the evening. He showed up and that's when all hell broke loose.

    He asked, "remember last time I said if we can still be friends when we found somebody better?" I instantly know what was going on. The stuff he said is too much pain for me to brought up but they were the usual "not your fault", "find someone better" and the worst was how he mentioned to me my body image was one of the major reasons.

    The following 72 hours I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, <mod edit - method> I felt betrayed, lost, angry and just want to end it all. That was back in June.

    The following Monday I called him, he begged me to stay friends but I made my decision, I told him don't contact me or my friends and I'll do the same. We have to cut each other off our lives.

    It has been a very difficult 5 months for me. The past weekend his work had a big convention in town. I was driving down to my friends house to feel better and all of a sudden I realized just how close I came to him. I lost it... I started crying uncontrollably, I lost control of my vehicle and cut cross 4 lanes to the shoulder. I parked and just... cried for almost half an hour. All that bottled up sadness, loneliness, anger and what-not flooded me. I remember yelling out come back to me sweet heart repeatedly. It hurts. It hurts just to type it and relive it.

    I can't stop thinking about him. It is that confusing feeling that bothers me so much I am tired of dealing with it. I live alone and I feel awful to bother anyone to talk about it, especially friends who now I feel are avoiding and judgemental about it. I miss the guy, yet at the same time it makes my blood boil thinking about the past, now and the future for him. On top of that, I might lost my job pretty soon due to unforeseen changes in the company.

    I keep imagining him and his new boyfriend partaking things he wouldn't do with me. Or enjoying more than he would with me. I can't stop thinking about his career gets better while I'm going to the drains. I've been looking for new job for 2 years and still looking. It's hard not to feel defeated about this.

    I am sure there is a much deeper underlying problem on top of this. I just don't know what it is. Every single day I woke up angry, beating myself up, leaving physical marks on my face and such. Through out the day I can't focus on my work. He keeps showing up in my mind and then the confusing feeling consumes me. By the night I go to an empty home and I fight it in my head. <mod edit - method>

    Oh man I am having this... very strong emotion right now. I hate going through it but at the same time I feel I have to. I want to cry and I miss him so much... I just don't know what to do anymore. No pills or professional help due to some reasons I don't want to mention.

    Thanks for reading. The strong urge and feeling is very hard to describe. I feel like suicide is the way out from this constant bombing of him in my head.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2015
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Stick with it, been where you are and it was 2 years before I stopped the stupid hoping that he would come back.
    Weirdly, if he had come back I think I would have killed the bastard.
    It's very hard when your life is ruined over a relationship, while theirs just sails on, but you can come through to the other side; I'm living proof.
    Post as much as you like, and the chat room can help with the loneliness.
    Also, people will listen to you, so vent away.
  3. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Give yourself time to grieve. You are dealing with a loss of a relationship as well as loss of hope for a future of the two of you. Coupled with looking for a job it is hard to deal with all the rejection. As Terry said, give yourself time. My divorce help class said that it takes a couple of years to heal on the breakup of a long relationship and I find it did in my case..
  4. SGVImport

    SGVImport New Member

    Thanks everybody...

    I has been very hard. Especially the past few days. After that little breakdown on the road in the past weekend I have been having this very nasty urge to make contact with him again.

    I mean I miss the guy. I really do. Yet at the same time I despite him as well. Day in and day out this constant and confusing thoughts involving many things in my head drives me crazy. One of the major reasons why I just want to end it all. It's too much to bear.

    This might not be the right place to ask but... since I have made up my mind and told him we have to cut each other off from our lives, I am not sure should I keep it that way, or break the ice and send him an email just to tell him how I feel. While I feel like it would make me feel a lot better but at the same time I am afraid it's going to back fire on me as well.

    So many things and activities would trigger the memories. It's almost like having PTSD but almost 24/7.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It does get better, I promise you.
    Think about all the reasons you said no contact, it's normal to feel the way you are feeling right now, but you had a reason to say it so rethink about that.
    Don't think you are going nuts with the conflicting thoughts, I was swaying back and forth for months with exactly the same thing.
    Then one day I didn't think of him and then a week and then a month, so time it seems does help.
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    SGV, Welcome to SF, I am sorry for your loss, 14 years is a long time, I know how much that must be hurting, it will be for a while! It is true that it does get better, that is a small comfort for right now, I have been dealing with my pain for quite a while, I am not hoping for another to help soothe my hurts wounds injuries or whatever we call them now! I am wondering where you plan on going or what you plan on doing at this point! I know some wish to get back into the race others take a leave of absence more or less? I know you have aked about getting back in touch with him, that is your call, I will just say that in my estimation would be renewing your hopes an start all over again, are you sure that you even want to go there?
    I would like to say that this forum does not judge anyone in here, no matter what their likes or dislikes, their persuasion, or even the flavor of their Ice cream! I just say that to reassure you that no one in this Forum will judge you or anyone else that is in this room guest or participant member or non member! I hope that you will find yourself comfortable here many here consider others here their surrogate families or a large group of their friends! I hope that you can find the answers to your questions, the forum is extensive and the human knowledge is as well! We care about you , once that you have registered and asked for help we are here for you! We consider you one of us!
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