Hi there everybody! I am glad I found this forum for the fastest way to talk to someone about the feeling. I know many of us are suffering from many different pain that lead us to a certain point of our lives where suicide is the only way out. I want to share my feelings and the backstory about my nasty broken heart. 14 years ago I met the love of my life on a gaming message board. We felt in love quickly as he asked if I want to be his soul mate. I was feeling the same so we hit off. Due to a long distance relationship (I came to the States shortly before I met him) we tried to spend as much as we can together via different method of communications. Instant messaging, phone calls, emails, and of course the game. Few years went by and he was hired by a major gaming company here in southern California. I was more than excited to finally be able to live with him. Granted I'm in LA metro area and he's in Orange County (between LA and San Diego), the daily commute would be way too much so we decided to see each other on the weekends. Years passed by. I started to notice he has somehow lost the spark and was not as emotionally involved as we were in the past. Of course we would often go out on a date, a trip or whatever we can to enforce that relationship. It was March of this year, as I was helping him watering his lawn. He asked me "if we found someone else better, can we still be friends?". I just smiled and said yes sure. At the time I took it as a joke and nothing too serious. I remember even before then on the weekends he would be busy with his co-workers. I couldn't spend the nights there because he's afraid his roommate / co-worker who is renting his spare bedroom would find out about our relationship. I didn't want to put a dent in his job-relationship so I kept it quiet and stayed away. I want him to focus on his work and reach higher. Yes by now you should've know we were a homosexual couple. Keep the judgement to yourself please. I remember on a Friday in May, I texted him what is his plans for the weekend. As he replied that he'll be going to a movie premiere with his co-worker in the morning but is available for the rest of the weekend. Surprised I asked if it's okay to stay overnight, he said yes. That night... I noticed he wouldn't get intimate at all. I asked him what is wrong he simply replied nothing personal, just work stress. I left him alone a bit disappointed. Fast forward another week, I was in the area on a Saturday due to work and texted him let's go dinner. He said can he and one of his co-worker's friend join. I said yeah why not? The more the merrier. To me I love to meet new friends. That's when I met his new boyfriend. The entire time those two were present, I noticed they were closer than just friends. They would whisper to each other and stayed a distance. Due to with some other friends who are now witnesses there I didn't said much. I tired to sit right next to him but he avoided it, and end up sitting away from me with new new boyfriend. The dinner was a blur. I texted him that night when I get home, asking him if he and the new guy were dating. He told me "we need to talk." Following week I planned a surprise vacation for us and was going to tell him by Wednesday, the day he'd be in down for work-related functions. I waited anxiously for him in the evening. He showed up and that's when all hell broke loose. He asked, "remember last time I said if we can still be friends when we found somebody better?" I instantly know what was going on. The stuff he said is too much pain for me to brought up but they were the usual "not your fault", "find someone better" and the worst was how he mentioned to me my body image was one of the major reasons. The following 72 hours I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, <mod edit - method> I felt betrayed, lost, angry and just want to end it all. That was back in June. The following Monday I called him, he begged me to stay friends but I made my decision, I told him don't contact me or my friends and I'll do the same. We have to cut each other off our lives. It has been a very difficult 5 months for me. The past weekend his work had a big convention in town. I was driving down to my friends house to feel better and all of a sudden I realized just how close I came to him. I lost it... I started crying uncontrollably, I lost control of my vehicle and cut cross 4 lanes to the shoulder. I parked and just... cried for almost half an hour. All that bottled up sadness, loneliness, anger and what-not flooded me. I remember yelling out come back to me sweet heart repeatedly. It hurts. It hurts just to type it and relive it. I can't stop thinking about him. It is that confusing feeling that bothers me so much I am tired of dealing with it. I live alone and I feel awful to bother anyone to talk about it, especially friends who now I feel are avoiding and judgemental about it. I miss the guy, yet at the same time it makes my blood boil thinking about the past, now and the future for him. On top of that, I might lost my job pretty soon due to unforeseen changes in the company. I keep imagining him and his new boyfriend partaking things he wouldn't do with me. Or enjoying more than he would with me. I can't stop thinking about his career gets better while I'm going to the drains. I've been looking for new job for 2 years and still looking. It's hard not to feel defeated about this. I am sure there is a much deeper underlying problem on top of this. I just don't know what it is. Every single day I woke up angry, beating myself up, leaving physical marks on my face and such. Through out the day I can't focus on my work. He keeps showing up in my mind and then the confusing feeling consumes me. By the night I go to an empty home and I fight it in my head. <mod edit - method> Oh man I am having this... very strong emotion right now. I hate going through it but at the same time I feel I have to. I want to cry and I miss him so much... I just don't know what to do anymore. No pills or professional help due to some reasons I don't want to mention. Thanks for reading. The strong urge and feeling is very hard to describe. I feel like suicide is the way out from this constant bombing of him in my head.