I can barely describe what is going on right now, but I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm just thinking how nothing in life is working out, and nothing ever will. I'm thinking of how misunderstood I am. I can't stand another night in this house. I only seem to be going downhill. Today was suppose to be so joyful, but now I'm just want the day to be over. I'm having to wait to celebrate something, and I hate it. I just feel so trapped. Part of me wants to just write a suicide note now and kill myself. On one hand, I think to myself that I don't want to do it on such a "joyful" date, but at the same time maybe it will show how much pain I'm in, and the part that sucks is that it's my fault. I thought his alcoholism was getting under control, so I attempted to share something very personal, and joyful with him, now I'm just a mess. I was so stupid to think he would share this joy for me. Alcohol is more important to him than me. I can't even count the number of times he has broken my heart. I tell you, I seriously want to overdose on my pills right this second, but I have to be strong, I'm waiting for him to fall asleep so I can celebrate an important birthday I've been waiting all day to celebrate. Where will I be tomorrow, I don't know. Part of me wants to check into the hospital, the other part of me wants to call my psychologist and move my appointment up, but I'm not good at taking such big steps. I just keep thinking things will get better. I also have this part of me that thinks I need to "runaway" for a couple of days, but that depresses me. I rather be dead then do something like that. In a sense I've been living like that, I'm constantly at the pawn shop trying to get some money for food because my father is too busy spending his money on alcohol, and now my friends are resembling behavior similar to my father - granted I think it's due to them being busy to the point of being sleep deprived and me being sensitive, but still. I just feel they're no options left in life. I want to kill myself so badly, but in a way that doesn't feel like an option because I did overdose once, and it just left me out of it - no ER or anything. My psychologist says with the number I took, she was very surprised that nothing happened. So pretty much, the odds are against me. I do have my therapists email, so perhaps I could email her. I think that's something I could do, seeing as I wouldn't have to actually talk out loud, but at the same time, what does that say about me that I'm trying to get help? I've never understood these feelings of wanting to be dead so badly, but also wanting to reach out for help. I just don't know.