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Broken heart - Trying to get him back

Discussion in 'I Need Empathy and Compassion (No advice wanted)' started by Jolene, Jan 9, 2018.

  1. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    SORRY FOR THE LONG POST

    As I told in another post, I'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression almost a year ago. It is about a break up wich happened a year ago. And I need to get him back and I'm trying to coonquer him again. My friends were very supporting but they are staring to get tired and I understand.
    My ex and I never stopped texting each other after the break up (only for a month at first). The maximum time we spent without texting each other were two weeks. We lived in different cities but near but he moved across the country a few months ago. I told him hat I feel (not everything, I never let him know that I'm broken) and that I wanted another chance and he told me that he's not moving forever, that he will come back in months but didn't know how and then we could have that conversation again, but that he was happy to know that I feel that. After his moving we texted less but still, and he flirted with me many times. Always nice and flirty, even sometimes he didn't answer in days, he always came back and many times he let me know that we are still "connected". In my NYE text I told him that I wished him a happy 2018 and I would like to be part of his happiness and met this year (we didn't last year, he "avoided" it but keep texting and being close to me, sometimes I believe that he may be afraid to feel something if he sees me again, I don't know). He answer me well and told me that he hopes all my wishes come true, including these two (so, being part of his happiness and meet again).
    But I am always obsessing that he may know another girl (each day I go crazy convinced that he is with that girl, oranother, or another, always it's something in my head but someday won't be. And I am afraid that the day is today. I hope I'm wrong again). Before he moved, we both initiated conversations but after that, most times were me. So after wishing each ther happy new year, I didn't answer anymore, stopped chasing and I'm waiting until he text again. He always did but I'm always scared that he won't.
    Must say that our relationship ended up (wel, at first was a "pause") due the distance (he hates that) and my insecurities (I was being clingy, negative and needy in our last weeks together). However, this year everytime we talk I pretend to be happy and positive, just as before, just as he liked me, even if I'm not that person anymore. I lost my best part when he left me.
    I know that relationships end but I'm sure that he is the love of my life and we were very happy together (even after the break up, I made him happy sometimes, he told me). I know most people don't understand why am I so stubborn and think that I should let him go but I need him and I'm doing my best for recovering him because if I'm going to be living like that, so devastated, the least I can do is keep fighting a little because recovering him is the only thing that would make me happy (and as I' allways saying here, I feel guily about it, nothing else is enough but I can't help it).

    I don't know why I'm telling this here but I need some possitive feedback or something, I need to feel understood and not feeling like a "crazy" person who is still in love with her ex and will never stop loving him, like...I don't know how to name this,

    Thank you to whoever read this and sorry for bothering you with my stupid problems
     
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  2. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Pro SF Supporter

    Hiya Jolene. You've asked for no advice so I'll respect that, but I just wanted to let you know I'm here reading your post and my thoughts are with you. You are understood and not crazy for hurting the way you are.
    And you certainly aren't bothering anyone, not least because your problems are important and not stupid, but also because you're part of this family who love you and care about you.

    I hope you're as okay as can be.
     
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  3. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member


    Thank you so much for your words. I asked no advices because I imagine that everybody will say "move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea" and I can't, he is the one I want, the one who made me happy and I know that he is the love of my life. I've been in love before and I moved on but not this time, this is different. So... I don't have the strenght to hear more "move on", I hope you all understand.
    Thank you always for reading me and all the support of this community. I always feel welcomed and this is the only space where I can say my darkest thought without being judged (I tell my friends many things but never about wanting to die and all that). Thank you
     
  4. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Pro SF Supporter

    I empathise Jolene. That feeling you've found something different is hard to ignore, and yes I agree: moving on is far easier said than done, especially if the one saying it isn't you!
    Interestingly, you said in the orignal post that although you let him know how you feel, you didn't let him see you broken. It's something I would normally advise but not for the reason most think. Hiding your feelings from someone, perhaps because you don't want to appear "weak" or "needy" (I hear this a lot), is not the right reason to do it. I'd always say that if we want to attract someone again we need to remeber who we were when they, which was us without them. Find you again, and you will inspire those around you.
    There's never any guarantees in life, as you know, but the only thing you can do at the moment is focus on yourself: rebuild yourself esteem and know your worth. He may have his reasons, which you can't change, so don't frustrate yourself trying to second guess what has happened and is happening. It's never easy, but love yourself more than anyone. Others should add to your happiness, not define it.
    Sorry, I'm going on a bit aren't I.
    Keep talking if you feel it will help. Thinking of you.
     
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  5. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member


    Thank you again. You are right and that's what I tried to do, reminding him who I was and the improvements I made since we are not together. And he always let me know that he was still attracted to me and we still have that connection but... There is something, some wall I can't break. And now, the distance. I know that I can't do anything and if he knows another girl, it happens, there's nothing I can't control about it, this is why I'm like this. Because I am scared and hurt and I can't stand losing him forever.
    I know that I should focus on myself and my happiness but my happiness is related to him, I can't help it. Before being with him I wasn't happy either, I wasn't so broken, I dind't cry everyday, I enjoyed things but I wasn't happy. I was with him, I was scared at first (even if I liked him a lot) and he...he took out a side of me I've never known. No one, no friends, family or previous boyfriends had made me feel so...warm. I used to be a cold person, not driven to romantic gestures, even if I felt like it, I didn't like to hug allmost anyone, I barely did "girlfriend things". And with him... I was different. And when he broke up with me, he took my smile with him. The best part of me isn't here anymore. Now I am a sad person, angry sometimes, who can't enjoy things anymore because my heart is broken and I can't stan the life without him forever...

    Thank you again for your words, I really appreciate that and if I could feel any better, I would thanks to things like that
     
  6. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Pro SF Supporter

    Hiya Jolene; sorry my reply has taken a while, I'm out and about.
    Firstly, you don't need to thank me; you're helping me just by talking. Oddly I'm in a similar situation, just from a male perspective; so I'm probably being a little selfish, but I'm taking my own advice at the same time.
    Secondly, it sounds like you're doing everything right but you say you're trying to remind him. That is counter productive. You need to focus on you for you, not anyone else. Do it for you. That's what inspires and attracts people (I'm saying this like I'm an expert but trust me I make the same mistake all the time).

    The wall you're trying to break is you. That's why it's unbreakable. As we've agreed, you can't change others, only yourself. Again, I know it's not that easy, it's the damn hardest thing, but believe in the process.
    If you like reading, I'd highly recommend "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*¥". It's not what it sounds like in the title. It's brilliant and really puts things into perspective and helps you, just you; and believe it or not you are the most amazing person in your life; look after her.

    You sound like the female version of me (character wise...I've no doubt you're far better looking! Lol). Stick with it darlin', you'll get there.
     
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  7. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much! I write down the book title, it may be interesting.
    You are right, I can't change others but... I don't know, it was so easy when we met...he told me that I gave him illusion nd I would do anything for aking it again but... I can't. As I said, I stop "chasing" (I wasn't being clingy or else but our recent conversations were initiated by me) and I am waiting if he notices and text me (he used to do it but...I'm afraid that it may have ended, I am always feeling this and one day I'll be right, I hope not but...) and I try to focus on myself but it's hard.
    I am studying and my therapist says that I am still very functioning since I do everything for my classes but I always think that one day I won't be able to keep going. She answers "you always say that and you keep going" but it is harder... I cant focus, I end up doing everything but I don't even know how. The fact that I study in his former city complicates it more (if he hadn't moved we would have a chance , he told me) because that place is full of memories and... Most of the time I sepnd there I'm crying. I never thought it would be so hard.
    You say that you are taking your own advice so good for you,, I hope it works better for you and you can be happy. Step by step...
     
  8. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Pro SF Supporter

    Hiya Jolene. You've thanked me again!? lol. Whilst I appreciate it, I really do, I'm here to listen to you so I apologise if i've come across as stealing this thread.
    I do have my own issues, similar to yours, so yes I am trying to take my own advice; but I also realise how hard it is, so please believe me when I say I am here for you.

    The book is by Mark Manson I believe. I hope this doesn't break advertisement rules, but it's well worth a read. Where are you from, if you don't mind me asking?

    I'm sorry if you think I was accusing you of being clingy, I genuinly wasn't; but the fact that you are initiating the conversatons means, to me at least, that you are trying to prove something to him. I truly hope that things work out for you, but I am only concerned with you, not him. Don't "wait", repair yourself and heal at your own pace, but make sure that it is all about you and nobody else.

    Yes, you are afraid, but if it has ended then so be it...YOU will live on and love again. Don't get me wrong, I honestly hope it works out, but like I said: to me, it's all about you.

    What are you studying? Listen to your counsellor, she clearly knows you and recognises the strength within you.

    One final thought: "His former city"? No, just no. I appreciate where you are coming from, but that was nit his city. You are still working there, so own it. You are the Queen of the city..no your worth, head up, breath deep, and go get 'em girl!!!!
     
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  9. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    First of all no, I didn't think you were calling me clingy! I was explaining myself. I am not the type who text his ex everyday, a zillion messages...never. I was initiation conversations lately, until three months ago, we were "balanced". Sometimes he texted me three times for week for no reason, sometimes I texted him, sometimes we didn't text each other in 10 days. But lately it was me, so I stopped. But yes, I'm trying to get him back and when he flirts with me or say me some things, I feel a smaaall relief because I know him and I know he wouldn't say certain things if he were with another girl. But I am obsessed with that, with he knowing another. So I am afraid that it may happen any time and without talking, I don't have that small "validations". And I am afraid he may forget me. When I told him how I feel, just before that he had admitted that he had missed me but I am afraid he doesn't do that anymore.
    I am from Europe, I prefer not to tell more. And I am starting my PhD, which is a mistake because I'm not enjoying it. I should have defer it until I feel better but I can't picture a future feeling better, on the contrary, so...
    And I know you are right, this is about me and my happiness but...what I need to be happy is him so...how can I pursue my happiness without him? This sounds childish and stubborn but this is how I feel and it's killing me. Thinking that I'll never see him again, or hug him again or be with him anymore...never... It's the worst nightmare
     
  10. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    This is a non-end nightmare. I'm afraid one day my friends will leave me. They say they won't, that they understand, but they are going to be tired of my crying voice notes and my permanent sadness. Just a few minutes ago one of them (the one whom I told more thanthe others, the one which listens me almost everyday) just told me again that I'll survive and this is what it is. I understand she is tired and I wish I didn't need to bother anyone with my stupid feelings. But I can't go with a "move on, it's time", because I can't, I don't want to because the only thing that would made me happy is getting him back. I aways say that I feel uily for feeling this,, for not be happy with the other things in my life, this makes me feel a horrible person. But this is how I feel. Some of my friends tell me that they've never seen somebody so broken for a break up (and after a year!) and I feel worse, I feel pathetic for keep loving him and needing him back. He is one of kind, I guess everybody think like this of their somebody special and this is what it makes it true. I know that he is the best for me and I could be the best for him, I know things shouldn`t be like that and the circunstances (distance) don't help but I belive in us, this is why I keep trying. I'm stupid, I know
     
  11. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I've read your whole thread @Jolene and get the strong impression that you are dancing around each other, hiding your true feelings, not connecting at a level which would end this current state of uncertainty, which must be emotionally exhausting to say the least. Have you actually told him how you really feel about him, as you have expressed it here, and if not, why not?

    Is losing him for good worse than living in a permanent state of uncertainty and paralysis, precluding the possibility of ever finding love with someone else? If you are honest with him about how you really feel, what have you got to lose except the uncertainty itself? It's possible he is hiding his real feelings from you in the same way you are hiding yours from him. For all you know, he is worrying about you meeting someone else and is longing to hear you say you want him back. There's only one way to find out.....
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
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  12. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you a lot for your answer.
    Well, when he moved, a few months ago, I told him certain things. I didn't tell how broken I am, I prefer to seem positive and told him that I would have wanted to have another chance (I was moving to his city just when he was moving across the country). He told me that he wasn't moving forever, that he may be ther for a few months and we can have this conversation again when he is back. And let me know that he had missed me (he admitted that before I told him which I just told) and that it made him very happy knowing that I feel that.
    But I don't know when will he come back if he does (I suppose that he will, he left a lot in his city, including his pets which he loves more than anything). Since he moved we text way less than before and he rarely initiated (before he moved we were in a kind of balance about initiating). He hates long distance relationships and avoided meeting in person before he left, he said he wanted but... I don't know, he may be fearing to feel anything or... I don't know.
    We didn't text after New Year, I am "waiting" because I would need him to start, just like before, but... I am always sure that he'll never text and he always does but...
    With distance everything is complicated, if we saw each other in person...but he avoided it for some reason. I am always scared that he may forget me or meet another. Just like you said, we don't know how he feels, but now he isn't willing to tell. It would be perfect that he come back to his city (in the new one he is sharing apartment and working in a low profile job, he went just because he loved the city - most expensive and competitive in the country - but there's nothing more. As I said, he told me that he will come back but...I don't know what he thinks now)
    If time keeps passing and he doesn't text (it's been 12 days, maximum time without talking after the break up was 2 weeks), I could try to tell him how I feel in a month or two. Why not now? Because that would be my last shot. Now, not initiating conversations is my way to know if he miss me, if he even notice. As I said, in summer he did. But now...with his new life... So this is a way of knowing and I am giving this a little time. But this is painful, all this year after the break up is.

    Thank you a lot, I really appreciate that you are taking time for reading and answering me
     
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  13. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I obsessing with the idea of him being with another girl just now. I do this always and I' used to be always wrong but what if tonight...? I'm desperated. He may be with another girl just right now. I'm losing him forever.
    I'm in total crise now. I want to die, if I could just push a button...I'd do it.
    I'm trying to think that even if he is, before ending with everything I must tell him how I feel. But I'm freaking out because I coan't stand the idea. I just can't. I need him and if he starts dating another girl is over forever, more than ever. And I want to die
     
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  14. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Again, I have to say that the uncertainty would drive me crazy. I think you really need to get up the courage to be honest with him and ask him to be honest with you. For all you know, he could interpret you "waiting" as you losing interest in him, just as you fear he is doing with you by not texting first!!
    You're just making yourself ill by dancing around him like this and it could very well be for nothing because, for all you know, he may want to get back with you as much as you do with him! If you keep hiding your real feelings he could easily interpret it as you giving up on him and being with other guys, same way you assume that's what he might be doing! The thing is if he does assume you're losing interest in him he might just do what you fear most, and the whole thing would've been caused by faulty communication. I think you need to grab this by the horns and find a way to talk to each other honestly. If he has already decided there's no chance of the two of you getting back together again, isn't it better you know instead of living under an illusion? It's also possible that he does want to get back together with you at some point, in which case problem solved.
     
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  15. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member


    You are right. But...he knows that I'm into him. My messages are always kind and warm, and flirty sometimes (he did that too). In my NYE text I told him "Happy, happy 2018, I hope I could give you a bit of that happiness. (...) And for the bad days, I'm here if you want. I`m "far" but I'm close. You can count on me. And I wish I can meet you this year" (he said that he hopes I can made all my wishes true, including "that ones you mentioned"). So...I'm always demonstrating things.
    But yes, at a certain point I will have to tell him everything. If you knew until which point I wish you were right and he feels something...But it'simpossible for me thinking that right now, more with the distance which he hates. I will do it because I want him to know but not yet, I have to wait a little more (and I have exams and essays for the next weeks so it's not a great time for the definitive possible breaking of my heart). I hope he doesn't forget me but I loose my hopes to my phobia of him dating another girl. I only breathed for a while (not much time) when he flirted with me but it's been two weeks since the last time. I know he is still attracted to me, I know we are "friends" but I need his emotional part and he doesn't seem willing to give it to me, more with the distance. I don't know...

    But as I said, you are right and I'll say him that I want him back, not today, not tomorrow, but soon. It's what I need to do
     
  16. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Take your time to consider how to put things to him. I know you fear rejection, but by not risking finding out something you don't want to hear, you are also precluding yourself from finding out what you do want to hear. It's tough, but I think you will get the courage to do what you need to do to stop the mental torture of not knowing and fearing the worst, and here's hoping everything works out well for you.
     
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  17. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    Thank you a lot again. I'll do it, I will take my time for chosing how to do that and I will... Perfect situation would be face to face but since that's impossible and we can't skype since he doesn't have pc anymore and in his phone tha app never worked well, I think I'll do it with a voice note, just like I did before he moved, it kinda worked, not as I would wanted but not bad and not closing doors. Now I'm waiting and if he didn't text in the following weeks, I don't know if text him one or two times like before, because it would be too much not talking in a month or so (today it's day 13 without texting but I don't know how many time will it be) and appearing out of the blue to tell him all that... I'll see. But I will do it, I know. Thank you for trying to cheer me up and believing in me, it means a lot.

    Meanwhile I wait and the days are hard and nights are harder wondering and fearing the worst. I only wish that my tears in a few weeks were for joy....but I'm too negative right now (funny that this was the only thing he wanted me to improve, being more positive and not going with the "it's not going to work" in my mind)
     
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  18. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    Hi Jolene. Instead of waiting for him to initiate contact, and feeling so anxious until he does, maybe you should just go ahead and contact him first? You could even increase your contact to several times a week, mentioning that you miss him and wish you could meet up sometime, and see how he responds to that. I think that would be a better approach than telling him you want to get back together straight away, and it might decrease your anxiety enough to allow you to enjoy other things in your life like spending time with your friends. I know you just want to be with him, but it's not good to have only one source of happiness in your life, so I would say gradually try to stop thinking about him enough to let in and appreciate other things in your life which could make you feel good, and give them your undivided attention.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
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  19. Jolene

    Jolene Well-Known Member

    I'm waiting because an answer to a text means "nothing" for me, well, yesm but that's not what I need. I need him to initiate, just like another times. This is why I'm doing this... And I don't want to be clingy because that's how was being when he broke up with me. I need him to see me relaxed and positive... So I'm trying to hold a little more...
    Believe me, I feel guily for not enjoying the other things in my life. I would like to be happy just with that.I've be broken hearted another times and it wasn't like now, I kept having fun even if I was sad... But this time it destroyed me. And I know my family and friends are suffering seeng me so broken. Other times the "fake it till you make it" worked but this time not... And I feel horrible for that
     
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  20. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    I have to say again that this uncertainty is unbearable, and forcing you to live in the non existent future instead of being fully present in your life NOW. You can't fully enjoy all the other things in your life if your mind is so full of fear about a future which might not even happen! Imagine how good you would feel if you could take a pill which blotted out thoughts of the future and were free to enjoy the here and now. Think of all the good things you are missing out on by living in dread of the non existent future instead of focusing on what you have now, which is all that truly exists. Maybe if you can try to bring your mind back to the present, letting go of anxiety about the future, you will find that you are actually ok? You could maybe promise yourself to try to do this as much as you can when you wake up in the morning. I'm suggesting this to you as I've found it to be a very good way to make my life more peaceful. I still worry about things sometimes, but just promising myself not to let my mind get carried away has had a good effect over time.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018
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