It's hard to know where to start with this. I'm usually a coherent writer, but this may be really unorganized. My boyfriend just left me, a day or two ago. He and I had a lot of love for each other but we would get in terrible fights. I would get panicky and suicidal and everything over the abuse and pain. It was all verbal, emotional abuse. I would fight back sometimes and be hurtful to him, too. That's what we do out of defense, right? My behavior was never justified. I hated what I did. He obviously has a lot of pain, otherwise he wouldn't treat me like that..but why did he start doing it to me? I feel so guilty for everything. I feel guilty for the pain I've caused him, and for the abusive behavior I've engaged in. I was abused as a child and teen. I don't want anyone else to go through what I did. and I feel I've hurt him just as much. enough for him to leave me and make me homeless. I have only a few weeks til I'm kicked out, and I will have to live in a shelter. It's hard to cope with his abuse, my abuse, my past abuse, all of it.. it all makes me sick and angry and extremely sad. I miss him and love him so much. I just wanted things to be good. I would work so hard at trying to be calm and quiet and not provoking to him, I would walk on eggshells all the time. I just wanted to have good days with him. He would blow up so easily. and it was my fault. I'd ask him a question or have a hard time trusting him about something and he'd get so angry. he's mocked me, teased me, called me names, invalidated my feelings constantly, I just can't handle that kind of treatment. it burns you inside, it tears you apart because you know you don't deserve it. but part of you feels like you do. my family told me that so much growing up that somewhere I must believe I deserve that pain. I would lock myself in the bathroom when he would do this and yell that I'm going to kill myself. that guilt that comes along with saying that is unbearable at times. So many times when I would talk about suicide, he would walk away from me and ignore me. or yell at me. he would yell at me when I'm crying on the floor. how can someone not try to help you, get help, or show they care in times like that? I held on in those moments because of my sister. I could never hurt her by leaving this earth. but he has ignited a fire in me. there's nothing more painful to me than the person you love and would die for ignoring your suicidal feelings, your deep pain.