Broken up, Alone and Terrified

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jgibson, Nov 27, 2011.

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  1. jgibson

    jgibson Member

    Hi,

    Three weeks ago my (ex) girlfriend told me she met someone else, and it's over between us. Since then I haven't been able to sleep and have been feeling increasingly suicidal, waves of panic and nauseous dread have become my existence. I cannot feel any hope that I'll meet anyone else, can't imagine it, and feel in so much pain alone. I also came off an addiction to diazepam in April, which left me already chronically depressed...Where can I find hope now? I just want to feel a woman's warmth and love. I see my friends with their wives and girlfriends and it makes me feel panicky and sick...everything hurts.

    Last night after drinking, I went to the top of a 12 storey building, but all the doors up there were locked. I doubt I'd dare do it but can't get it out of my mind. Keep thinking of jumping, overdosing...I have a psychiatric crisis team visiting soon. Don't know what to do, feels like I'm in a no-exit nightmare.

    Someone please make me feel at least a bit better
     
  2. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Hey jgibson, sorry to hear you're in this rough place right now. Happy to hear you have help on the way, that's great that you were able to reach out like that. I've also thought seriously about jumping from the top of an 11 story parking garage, and something that calms me down and keeps me from actually doing it is to close my eyes and imagine I've fallen off the edge.

    But instead of thinking about the ground, or everything that pushed me off, I just think about me in that moment. Free and flying with the wind stealing all the sound from the air. Try closing your eyes and feeling that, in whatever way you can. The world meaning nothing just for this moment, body weightless, pain gone, and the wind. Oh, the wind. Breathe it in, feel it on your fingertips. You are far from dead, you are far from the world, you just are. Please know that your existence, the reality of you, is pure. That's why the here and now is so sacred. When you focus on just being alive, for this second as it falls into the next, everything is alright at least for a little while.

    You have help on the way, you're going to be okay. Just breathe, cry if you want to, it's alright. Just know that you will be alright. Stay safe,

    --ThinkingCap
     
  3. burnface

    burnface Member

    Hey man. I know how you feel concerning the whole dreaded, nauseous feeling. I'm in a similar situation. I know it's hard thinking that you'll never find someone again. I'm there right now and I just want a woman to take it all away, to make me feel better. I'm trying so very hard to hold on, hoping for a better day. The only thing I can say is that you're not alone and I'm sure there's a woman out there feeling the exact same way looking for someone like us.
     
  4. jgibson

    jgibson Member

    Hi ThinkingCap - and thanks. That is a nice thought.

    I really don't want to die. I actually have many good things in my life - in fact, I imagine what everyone would say if I did end my life. A massive why, as I (seemingly) have everything to live for. Alas, my drug addiction weakened my mind/nervous system, and the break up pushed me to this point. I want to get through this, I really do...But the painful feelings are so intense right now, it's hard, sometimes seems impossible, to see the light at the end.
     
  5. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    That's good that you don't want to die, a really big relief aha but your pain is undeniable. It's a balance, generally. Between painful things inside and the stuff that makes you feel better -- wounds and bandages. A bandaid ain't gonna fix this one, but I have a feeling you already know that. Just need to find more things to patch yourself up with. Maybe a splint with some self-confidence that you gain slowly through meeting new people, a sling with some time spent doing whatever makes you feel good without hurting you more.

    A gaping wound is daunting at first, but slowly as you start to clean then stitch it up, and with time it stops bleeding then heals, you begin to see that things will be okay. You weren't quite sure, but with dedicated time and effort, everything will be alright. Just need to have the right tools, be it therapy and support from friends/family or medication, and time for it all to heal. This is a really abstract response, but I hope it makes sense. Emotional pain should be treated with the same patience and respect as physical pain.

    Oh, and just because other people wouldn't understand or it seems like 'you have it all together' doesn't mean that you aren't justified in feeling this way. You feel what you feel, and can only work with that, not what other people would think about it. They don't know you. Hell, I don't know you. Your pain is your own and no one will ever be able to fully understand it. But that doesn't mean they can't relate or empathize-- that's what I think it means to connect with others.

    --ThinkingCap
     
  6. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and friendship, JGibson... I am so sorry that you're suffering. I'm so glad you're getting help and that you've reached out to SF. Please consider me a friend who cares. You can and will survive this. :console:
     
  7. jgibson

    jgibson Member

    Hey, thanks for the support everyone - it means a lot...if only that spending the time doing this is filling up time, and knowing there are others out there who feel like this.

    The hard part about when you're this desolate is that the things I'd normally do to pick me up are meaningless to me. I tried to paint, to play my guitar, but it just leaves me feeling sick.

    If I can only find some hope that I might get some comfort either with someone, or at least acceptance of loneliness. I need to get some space to breathe around these feelings.

    I terrified of harming myself, terrified of how I feel. But most of the time now, suicide is the only thought that gives me relief.

    Sorry to hear you're suffering so much burnface - but also glad I'm not alone in this. Hope we get better soon.

    J
     
  8. alixer

    alixer Active Member

    Breaking up with someone always destroys my world. Can't sleep. Panic attacks. No advice here, just know you're not alone.
     
  9. jgibson

    jgibson Member

    Hey alixer,

    Exactly, no sleep, constant panic. I'm trying to record some music on my computer to take my mind off (this is something I usually love to do) It just hurts to try. The only think I can seem to want to do is be on this site, writing this, drinking gallons of herbal teat to try to warm the frozen concrete in my body!

    I can live with depression - I always have. But this constant thinking about ending it. The absolute black desolation is frightening....Anyone else got any advice???

    Thanks to all for the posts.
     
  10. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    You know, have you tried writing a song or something about it? Putting that pain into music even though it's usually a fun experience for you. Maybe working through it that way would help. I haven't had much experience with relationships, so I'm sorry I can't help you in that regard, but it's great to hear that you're trying to work through it. But yeah, maybe making music about it just to get the feelings out there would help. Good luck,

    --TC
     
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