Broken.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Jun 14, 2007.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Tuesday evening some comments made in chat triggered me massively. Bad enough for me to do stupid shit.
    Yesterday morning I had a go at someone for it. Explained that it's not smart to make comments like that on a site like this. And that I was heavily triggered by it, and that I had to sleep with guys for money in the past and that it all was very triggering for it and that I had a hard time with that past of mine and all..
    Yes I got heated when I didnt feel they were listening. They got heated.
    Yes I said nasty things ("go jerk off rather then make comments like that in this chat") but that person broke me. Or at least took away my solid basis.
    "fuck you ester, fuck you and your sensitivity"
    "not in a million years"
    "what if I paid?"
    -Ester lost temper and her solid basis-

    next thing I know I did some bad stuff, and if people at therapy would find out I'd most likely get sectioned. So I had the shits for therapy, especially since we also had Psycho Motoric Therapy that tday, which means I'd had to change clothes into sporting clothes. Thank god I could change clothes when nobody looked or whatever.

    Next thing I know, the assignment we had during PMT nearly made me burst into tears. It was hard for me to explain stuff thank god the therapist saw that and didnt ask any further.

    Next thing I know after therapy I have one guy from our group threatening to throw a brick at my head if I don't "watch it". Just cos I giggled when I noticed he likes this girl in our group. It's not like he was very subtile and all. Everyone noticed. Including the girl herself. So yeah, no need to threaten me for that.

    So yeah I come home completely drained, sad, hurt, broken.
    Is there a fucking argument going on. Apparently the lovely aggressive housemate was talking about getting rid of the cat again. So me and chrissy we go like "we might have given it to you for your birthday but if you treat your presents like that.... and besides officially the cat is from Chrissy, on paper" "well then we'll have to change that cos If I can get that (some breed) cat, this one will have to go" "no way" "well than she'll suddenly be 'lost'!" "you know we can sue you if you do anything to the cat, right? cos officially she's chrissy's cat" and he got more and mroe aggressive. I nearly broke so went back inside. Chrissy and I called the landlord he immediately came, behind our housemate's back we had a talk about him how he got more and mroe aggressive and stuff... He said he'll deal with it. Apparently our lovely Matko is gonna get an official warning.
    Now all we can do is hope that he wont be even mroe aggressive cos we went to the landlord.

    I was so feckin drained I passed out and slept for a full 9 hrs this past night.
    For once no drama in chat for me.
    For once no triggers in chat for me.
    For once some proper sleep for me.
    For once no suicidal thoughts for me.
    For once no attention for or thoughts about me. Thank God.
    I was not there and nowhere and just faded away from everyone from this site for a bit. That's good. People here don't need me, people here cant deal with me. People here shouldnt have to deal with me, shouldnt have to have me around.

    I am so drained. I dont wanna go to therapy today. I'm too dead for it. Dead inside. I just wanna die.
    Thank god it's only till 4pm today and it's the last day for the week. 3 days off after this. Thank god.

    today.. Creative therapy and groupsession. I'm pretty sure there'll be some arguments in the groupsession today, as 2 people in the group sorta really cannot get along as they are like complete opposites from each other... Please don't let there be an argument. I can't deal with anything today, I'm too broken.

    I think I've officially broke. This time not into an anger fit and lost it like that, but I'm in a sad fit, cant do shit anymore. I lost it like that.

    I dont know what to do anymore. I know i gotta stick with therapy, which is why I'm gonna go there, but if alex threatens me again, I dont know what I'll do. He showed me some pictures he drew. They were heavily triggering yet I couldnt show that. They think he's the only one in the group who still has a desire to die. He is not.
    But I'm gonna stay low. and quiet. and fake.

    Things will change, one day. Things will change, one day.
    Not now.
    Now
    I'm just broken.

    Someone please help me pick up these shattered pieces of me, cos I can't do it on my own. :cry:
     
  2. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    aww sweetie :sad: i'm so so sorry for letting you down, i'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry :sad: All i can say now is sorry, sorry for that too >.< I really love you, I dont know why i did it, you mean a lot to me. I want to be there for you, i'm so sorry. You've been there so many times for me, you helped me so many times. I should have been there for you. I guess it was just so hard for me to see you distroying yourself, I care about you a lot. It hurted me so much to see you like that. I'm so sorry, I'm weak, pathetic, havent been a good friend. I hope you can give me a new chance to be there for you. I'm so so sorry :sad:
    I didnt even knew you were doing therapy, thats so good of you. I really hope it will help you. You deserve it. I'm so so sorry. I dont know what to say anymore, sorry for all those stupid excuses for not being there for you. I'm sorry, so sorry :sad:

    *lots of huggles*
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Est hun, part of the therapeutic process is actually feeling worse before getting better. Very tough to take I know, but its the breaking down of barriers etc and for a bit you will feel broken, fragile and generally shit, stick with it cos the only way from the bottom is up. :hug:
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Julie don't be silly, you are not a bad friend. :hug: It's a good think you took some distance from me cos I've been really bad lately and I'd only have upset you if we'd been in touch a lot.
    I'd love for us to get in touch some more again, so yea.. PM me anytime hun, I care for you and I still love you :smile:

    Terry, I know... it's just so hard....

    ------
    Today. Ha.
    Still that one sentence stuck in my head the entire day... "what if I paid?" "what if I paid?" "what if I paid?" echoing through my head the entire day.

    We started of with creative therapy and we could just draw something for ourselves. First me and another new person in the group had a chat with the creative therapist. she asked some things... Hard to open up to her, but I did. After an introduction to what we exactly do and try to reach with creative therapy we could go sit with the others and do something for ourselves. I decided to do some drawing. I started drawing some lines and boxes and crosses and hearts I guess. I wasn't really thinking or anything.

    Then we had a break during which I just sat and chatted with the group. One of them, who lives nearby me btw, noticed I wasnt feeling to well. But of course, knowing me, I only said I was just having a not so good day and that it'd probably pass again.

    To top all that off.. and make me feel even worse... We had groupsession. :sad:
    One girl had something to bring into the group. Something happened last week... and as soon as she mentioned it and some things about it (she had a hard time speaking about it, I noticed, which I'm not surprised about at all btw) and immediately I saw another girl in the group... she went into a sort of shock. She didnt hear or see anything anymore so it seemed.. Completely out of touch with the here and now.. I think she sorta got stuck in a flashback...
    It was so hard..
    To see them both struggling like that.. and to try to push my own feelings away. I didn't want the attention drawn to me. The two of them needed it. They need and deserve the help and love.

    It really upsets me to know that girl who got into shock has been through something like that. I like her a lot since day one. She's someone I'd admire. She's nice and sweet.. She doesnt deserve this. Nobody else does either, but she ... I can't explain. There's something about her.

    Sigh.

    Why can't I just take on all their shit... they do not deserve this. None of them. They are all 7 so wonderful and caring... They don't deserve this :sad:
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    No one deserves to have been through the things many of us have. Remeber ester that you don't deserve it either. We cannot change the things that are over and in the past. The difference is how we decide to deal with them. Should we continue to allow the past to alter what is in the future? Some people will say to "just get over it and go on". These are the people who have never had to suffer. Some people can put the past away much more quickly than others. We need to learn to seperate the past from the present. Those things happened and we have been affected by them, but this is the present. These things are not happening now. Other things may happen, one never knows, but the past is over. Therapy is hard work. Noone ever said it will be easy. I am glad to see that you are continuing to go despite the fact you really do not want to. Keep working ester. In the end I think it will be worth it, but only if you are honest. If you hide things they cannot help you.
     
  6. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Est.. :hug:
     
  7. Fuzzy Monkey

    Fuzzy Monkey Well-Known Member

    im srry hun im always here for u if u want to talk ill listen :hug:
     
  8. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone who's contributed to this thread. It's appreciated muchly :grouphug:


    Please do not waste your time on any further replies to this thread as I won't be reading them anyway. Thanks.
     
  9. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    ill email you then.
     
  10. ybt

    ybt Guest

    Not necessarily.

    I recommend just taking a step back for a moment.
     
  11. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member


    Take a step back from what? not going to therapy which in the long run will help her out. What exactly is she taking a step back from. Confronting your issues is a part of therapy and of course it's going to get bad before it gets better.
     
  12. ybt

    ybt Guest

    no, i don't mean stop going to therapy. i mean just take some time to collect yourself, don't let everything sweep you away all at once