I've been isolated for the vast majority of the last 3 1/2 years now and I'm running out of time it seems. I need serious medical help. Idk what that is. I refuse to take medications. I'm cold and shaking right now. My head is throbbing and won't stop. I trashed my entire apartment today. I'm really fucking scared. I used to have great ambitoins for my life but all I want now is the pain to stop. I don't feel like a person anymore. I feel like an animal locked in a cage in one of those isolation experiments. It's crushed my soul and I don't know where to turn. I messed up and I should have taken hte last two chances I had to have a girlfriend but I was scared then. I realize now little is worse than what I've have experienced through this. I want to hold someone again more than anything but it doesn't look like that will ever be a possiibilty. I can get out twice a week at most with my terrible friends and trying to get anyone else is too difficult with the fragile state my mind is in. I can't talk to my my mom becuase I can't tell her anything and never have been able to. She fucked up my whole life growing up. I don't know where else to go. I don't know if this is the end or what I am going to do. I'm sorry for anoyne I've hurt or anything. And I'm sorry if I go through this. I really honestly don't want to die. I'm trying not to, just the pain is becoming unbearable..