Broken

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by verysad, Dec 11, 2010.

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  1. verysad

    verysad New Member

    This is my first visit here. I don't know what to do anymore. Individual counseling hasn't helped, marital counseling didn't (husband wanted to quit after a few sessions), I've been on antidepressants for years...
    I've always had a pretty low self-esteem, was verbally, physically, and sexually abused by a brother, but always a fighter and wanting to have a nice career, husband, home, life. I've made sacrafices for my family (husband & stepson)...moved away from family to be closer to stepson, started new life in another town, felt like second fiddle and unhappy, then began a 5 mo. emotional affair that resulted in adultery. I "woke up" so to speak after that affair led to actual sex. I wanted my family back & confessed to my husband. This was just about 3 yrs ago. My husband stayed with me, I thought I tried to do everything to win back his trust and be a good wife as I should have. My life revolves around him and my stepson. It has been an up & down reconciliation, but now I feel at the end of my rope. I will never rid this guilt and hatred of myself from my life. I don't think my husband will either. He's very controlling, manipulative, and "always right". He had wanted me to find another place of employment from the beginning. The workplace was where the affair began & ended...however the other man ceased working there after the affair ended. As we all know, times are tough, bills never end, and that job I've had is secure. Besides, being in a pretty remote location where jobs are hard to come by, I've felt stuck. I've kept my eyes open - but nothing has ever come along that would pay what we need for our dual income. An ad for a job along my field of work presented itself in the newspaper the other evening. My husband read it out loud, then said he loves me but he hates my job. I didn't say anything but felt offended of how this came across. I know this job would not pay what I am making now. Granted, I'm not one to put money over family, but we just make ends meet, have no savings, and my stepson needs a car & will be starting college next year. My salary, way lower than it should have been anyway, will increase by $7,000 beg. in January. This is because in the 1st time of my life I asked for a raise and counterfought to get what was the best I could. Now my husband claims he'd rather have me work somewhere for $5,000 or so less, as my job is a constant reminder of my adultery. I feel guilty, yet angry and sad. I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner. I'm tired of having this "scarlet letter" on my head, I don't have a social life, I'm accountable of going to work & coming home, I don't go anywhere except errands & grocery shopping. I've tried, I thought. I don't know what else to do, but I'm sick of hating myself and not making my husband happy. Hence, my feelings of wanting to end my life.
     
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