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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Aug 5, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am broken. You can't fix me now.

    It has gone much too far.

    I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to go on. Tonight, I am attempting again. It should work. But I just have to make sure no one finds me. I leave the house in the dead of night and go crawl in to a corner somewhere. I don't want my family to find my dead body. I am going to go about it differently. It should be quick. Just hope that no one sees me. Perhaps a Friday night when people are coming back from a night out isn't the best. But if I can get to where I need to get to when no one is around then it will work.

    Don't tell me to go to hospital, or call an ambulance. I have made my decision. I made my decision long a go. Crisis Team are a waste of time as they can't do anything when I am as stubborn as I am. I wont tell them anything.

    I know I am taking a big risk. If this doesn't work I think it will end up with me being sectioned. That is why i have to make sure it will work. I will not go in to hospital. That is why I have to make sure tonight works.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi GoldenPsych,

    I won't try to talk you out of it. I was once in a rut like yours... feeling desperately suicidal... and not wanting to go back to the hospital... having just been discharged 4 days before after a lengthy stay (sectioned/involuntarily committed)...

    That day, I texted a good friend and confidant of mine (who was roughly 3 times my age) saying I was going to commit suicide (at what time, where, etc. within an hour). He responded to me in a text message while he was on vacation in South Carolina:

    "God be with you."

    I was surprised, because I didn't know he believed in any faith. I still to this day don't believe in any faith, but men like him (or women) who care so much are around to listen and support people like you and me and all of us on SF. Those were such comforting words nonetheless.

    I can only hope that you stay safe and reconsider. :hug:

    Take care,

  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't believe in a "God". Not since my Nan died and I prayed like I had never prayed before.

    I velieve there is something. Possibly re-incarnation. I would like to come back as a cat!
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    If you want to talk - I'd be honoured.

    Actually, someone on this board who I am friends with now helped me when I was ready to go for it and 'tag out' of life.

    I could could not do it on my own.

    I'd be dead if I never reached out.

    I never confessed things - nobody would be allowed anywhere near my own messed up self - but keeping people at a distance - it gets lonely. People kill themselves for being lonely. Its a dark place with NO light.

    You are ashamed for feeling how you feel. you keep it all in because you think you'll be judged. Your pride is involved here - a stubborn pride born of insecurity. You can see this - you'd berate others for doing what you are doing.

    I'd like to be a friend with you - I mean a real good pal - just for this dark little period.

    The offer stands - I know that you don't want to read much more by me right now.

    To be honest - I don't want to read anything by me either.

    You got my phone - I'll phone back and use up my 50 mins or so. If your still going to go ahead with it - then sure - you've made your mind up.

    Trouble is - your mind is not ready to make major life changing decisions.

    Your living in your own mind right now. All your thoughts are about you - and the bad luck and trouble you have right now.

    Its not that you are selfish - you are depressed!

    God bless - my prayers and good wishes.

    And I'm afraid I always have to say that suicide is good idea today - but there are tomorrows in which you will deeply regret it. Bad as it seems now - something , someone, always turns up.

    Whether we actually notice is another thing.

    I'm here - you know that - and I guess you have others you can phone also. If you have no credit - send me your number.

    Any UK'ers here ought to actually do this - I mean be careful but some of us are regular here and I guess we 'know' each other enough to know each other more. Just to have people on our side in the same boat as us.

    Regards and thanks for reading.

  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Reincarnation does not work backwards with respect to humans becoming animals. That's a fallacy.

    I don't believe in reincarnation but studied it a little.

    the idea is that we'd born to the same circumstances we found difficult to overcome. So you'd only have to come back again and endure things. Seems a bit 'cruel' really - I mean, any God who never understood the pain we feel - the intensity of the struggle we have in our own souls - that God would be pretty much like a malicious child!

    I think we have one life in a mortal form. Like spiritual beings in a material world. I think the 'one life' is a fair deal - because we know what is wrong and right - we learn this in our lives here.

    I pop into church - but never did for a long time after a cousin was killed. I hated God - but it was a speeding driver who made her choices not God. Killed the best thing in my life almost. A child so sweet - felt like I'd known her forever until that fateful day. So I know your hurt - and LOVED my nan also - but upset her when I was young and reckless and, well, lets face, struggling with depression and trying to cope with that angle of life.

    Have you felt depressed for a long time GS? I know your history a little but as a child - were you happy?

  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am so sorry it has to come to this GP. I hope that whatever the outcome, you finally find peace. You will be in my thoughts and in my heart. Lots of love, Lexi <3
  7. DBH

    DBH Member

    i wish you all the best mate, and i hope you get through it, as someone who attempted quite recently, i can kind of understand how your feeling. I hope you change your mind, but if you dont, then i hope you find the peace you are looking for. Remember there is always people here to talk to, including me !
  8. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You got a good heart saying that - especially as you've been through things yourself.

    I know what nights like this are like.

    I'm thinking of people out there going through that dark night of the soul.

    I wish I lived around the corner from everyone here.
  9. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I hope that you pull through.

    But in my own homespun, individual and messed up way of faith. I wish you peace.

    I will be here to talk should you need,

  10. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    All the blessings to you, God has saved you before, he has a mission for you, may he protect you again, by the way, I am looking at my cat right now and I bet he would like to tell you that being a cat is not easy either :)

    Big hug for you. I care.

    Have a wonderful day :)
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