Hey Hollie - sorry to see you this down - I really am. I empathise because sure - I been there and its not a nice place.
But are you alone? I mean - you got any family out there? you living with anyone? Often as not we have people living in a house - and someone is upstairs contemplating suicide. Hard thing is that when we get down - we isolate ourselves - we push people away and imagine that people who love us would be better off without us.
I got to say - when that happens - the pain left behind to people who you love is sometimes devastating. I know those who lose someone to suicide are shattered by the experience.
But - who matters most here is you - and feeling like you want to die is the most profound moment we may actually have in life - people who think they want to die - that feeling - I've been there and sure - its bad! But its VERY important - and I take what you say VERY seriously indeed!!!
But bad as it is - we are just thinking about dying - everyone does that - but most of us us don't actually take any action.
Thing is to always talk to people when you feel down. I bet you have let things go for while - even a few hours can bring us down - but maybe you kept this in for longer.
Keeping it in is no good - I tried that - does not work - well eventually you reach a point whereby you are tired of pretending. This is a good thing - I mean if you feel down - you feel down. We do not have pretend to be happy - and although we all do this from time to time - doing it all the time - its not a good thing. You got to be honest with yourself - and then with others. Choose them carefully - but people here will listen and I guess if you need to add anything more then please do so and we can advise.
Moments like this - we let all our problems become one big problem. We blame ourselves - why? Because this illness makes us do that! I carry more guilt than the Catholic Church - lol - but I know my mind plays tricks!
Also - I done bad things in the past - I had to become good - which is actually easy - because it costs nothing to be nice. Nothing at all.
Sure - even if you are nice to people - you might not get it back - but you can always walk away - and in my book - if you have depression - you got to try and surround yourself with nice people. They will protect you and guide you.
For me - I can throw caution to the reckless wind - so friends will balance that - advise me. And if I was ever going to kill myself (which I will not) they would tell me not to do so - and point out reasons why I ought to live.
Well - 30 years of the depression - I think I carry this for life - but that's not a bad deal really- I got lucky - my depression is the good old messed up one which has no reason. I refuse to even see my life as being to blame.
Sometimes I blame myself - but - I have to take self responsibility for my actions - having depression gives me no 'pass' - I got to be kind and nice to people - and generous also.
If you sometimes hate yourself - the danger is that hate will easily end up directed at people around you. Especially those trying to help. I been through this!
Right now - your not broken - check your arms - still there? Legs? Check! Feels like your losing your head - but - yup - that's there also!
So - I know its bad - but I'm trying to cheer you up because I sometimes want to die - and like to have a joke about it - rather than write 5000 words on why life is sh**!
Well - I seen this for a long time - seen how people get out of it - and in part it means letting go of hate. It drags you down - makes you less effective - pretty ineffective actually with respects to other people and getting along with them.
We all stumble and fall - life is a learning process - and sometimes the most important lessons are the ones that we do not want.
Depression is not a lesson - that just happens - via chance - biology - chemistry in the brain and formative years that shape some of us.
Whatever is is - it not a punishment from God - or Karma - its an illness - but one which is unlike any other.
Sure - you think your alone- but actually - your not!
Although now you met me - maybe you wish for the good old days of loneliness!
My dark humour.
Hope this finds you in better spirits.
Plenty of people have depression - millions - you sit next to them on the bus - train - and one car up in traffic from you. In your office - the street - building sites - football crowds.
what you do is reach out. .
I"ve been where you are right now. .
I know what it feels like. . no answers. . no solutions but one. .
but thats' not the truth. .
our pain hides the answers. .
they are out there. soemtimes yo just need someone to take your hand and lead you to them. .
I'm sorry you are so down!! Can you tell us what triggered you??I'm not going to sit here and tell you things will be o.k. I take what you said very seriously.. We need to get it out in the open though so we can help you..With hard work on both sides we should bring you back into the light..I hope you don.t do anything, or have done anything.. Dates are meant to break,,So lets work together on this and bring you back to a happy person..
~I know everyone has stress and problems but you wouldn't believe the amount of crap I have on my shoulders. I quit school, I still go to work but i'm losing it, fast. My anxiety is so high that i'm not eating right, i'm not sleeping, I find it difficult to speak with people. I pushed all my friends away, i've been cutting like crazy. I'm not gonna make it, I can't do this forever.