broken

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SmileSarah, Feb 26, 2012.

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  1. SmileSarah

    SmileSarah Member

    I love with all I have. I just can't help it. I always look for the good in people and I'm loyal till the death probably. I am the girl who is always there with a shoulder to lean on. but it seems like no one knows how to let me lean on them when I need the support. I feel so alone. I hate that one persons actions can lead me spinning down down down to the darkest places. I am a grown up for goodness sakes! I've had my heart broken a hundred times before probably. so why does this hurt so much? just when I think I'm getting to a good place-- when I'm finally feeling strong an confident and willing to let someone in once again I get stomped on. I can't live like this. I don't know what to do anymore. I've got my meds, I've got friends who will listen, I have children who love me unconditionally and just want their mommy to be happy, but it just isn't working.
    I just want to know why no one seems to want to love me. why am I not enough? what am I suppose to do now? I've been trying for two months to get out of this funk, and yet I still find myself crying and feeling worthless. I have nights where my thoughts are so over powering I am affraid of what I will do. the only thing that keeps me holding on are my two kids, but the longer I am depressed and feeling worthless the more I think they will be better off without me. I dont feel like I could ever be enough for them because I am just broken...and I don't know how to put the pieces back together any more.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    So sorry you feel so bad Sarah.

    It is not that you are not 'enough'. It's more likely that you are further ahead in the relationship area than people you are with, you want something they are not ready for.
    They will catch up to you eventually, I think.
     
  3. I'm sure you're a really nice person. Your kids need you. That would be the worst thing happen to them if you would take your own life. Maybe you should go talk to a professional? Friends sure can understand your problems but not always give you any advice.
     
  4. SmileSarah

    SmileSarah Member

    I am not so far under that practicality and real life escape me. I can think of suicide a dozen times a day, but I always come back to the fact that I just can't do it-- I can't do that to my babies. But I hurt so much inside everyday and feel completely alone. I did reach out. I contacted a therapist I had a long long time ago. She has stayed in touch over the years and always been there for a quick helping moment when I needed her. the only problem is she no longer works out of some little office with appointment times whenever you need them. she does workshops and groups and speaking engagements.... she is a hard woman to track down to say the least. but she is one of the few that knows oh so much about me. I really do hate breaking in a new therapist. It is like look folks I've been going to therapy on and off for 20 years-- I hate sitting there and thinking, holy crap this person really doesn't get me at all. it is a waste of my time and money and their time (but not their money obviously). a year after my son was born I tried t go to therapy again. I had almost died when he was born and had a very hard recovery after that. on top of all that there was that whole post-partum thing going on. I had gone back to college which was awesome because you got people to talk to right there and can get in pretty quick. this is when I learned i needed to be very detailed in my desires for a therapist. first they had me meet with an older man.... okay I'm here to talk to you about pregnancy and birth and and and... ya, I don't care how in touch you are with your fenimine side, it just aint going to work. next they give me some fresh new thing. a young girl who is trying her hardest but just can't get there. I decided I needed an older female who had kids. someone I could relate to. I'm sorry but i think just because you studied your vocation in college for how ever many years and have been practicing since the dawn of time does not mean you will automatically understand me and my needs.

    tangent over....
    point being I still need a professional to talk to. my old therapist is just too busy, though she didn't say that--I just figured it out on my own. but as much as I know I need it, the whole thing is daunting.
     
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It is good you know what you need, sometimes as you say the person we confide in needs to be able to truly understand our point of view.
    Keep looking and I hope you find the therapist you need.
     
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