Brother.. I still miss you.. Your laugh.. How.. Somehow the silly things made you smile.. How I could talk to you.. And even if you maybe didn't understand, you were there.. Your laughs made me laugh.. I remember the last thing I did with you.. Special Olympics.. It was the last thing you really did with anyone in our family.. you were upset at the meet.. crying.. No one knew why.. And within a week you had passed.. I blame myself still.. After your death.. No more smiles did I make.. no more laughter.. Nothing.. And I became hardened to emotion again.. Isolated myself.. It has been forever.. 7 years.. and still you are greatly missed.. You gave me a reason to live.. And it is my fault I could not see what was going on.. The signs were there.. You knew you were going to leave this world.. You left messages on your typing machine.. They printed them.. But I never got to read them.. If I did I don't remember... I don't deserve to live.. I don't deserve to ever see you again.. I do not deserve those hugs.. That every time I think of make me tear up.. I miss them so.. You were strong.. And I know you are in a better place.. Why couldn't have I taken your place..gone through all your suffering since you were born.. I wish I could have been a better older sibling when I was younger.. I just couldn't do much more then I already was.. Caring for the other 2 brothers, whom were quite a bit more ignored.. And I remember.. being so mean to you growing up.. Wanting to play the games you were.. and kinda taking them from you.. Some days I wish you were still here.. But I know you couldn't have been for any of this to happen.. And I know you did not deserve all the pain you were in.. I know you are probably much better and free now..