well, for about three days i was okay, but i broke down again and now im much much worse. I don't know anymore i'm always thinking about doing crazy crazy things and i want to i really want to because if i do then everyone can be happy and it'll never be awkward again i'll never have to worry about anything or worry about going crazy and doing something stupid to people i care about and i won't make anyone sad ever again. in fact, just today, i was walking down the street trying to smile and pretend like everything was okay, and this little girl, like 4-5 was riding on a bike and she was smiling away and then she looked at me and got all sad and angry like. it was saddening to me. i get that look way too much. and i'm dreaming about it now and my dreams are bad and i failed at least 3 of my exams and now what it's summer and i'll be working with my parents all day everyday forget trying to get out and do volunteering meet some new people turn life around i don't do that kind of thing because i don't have the time never enough time and there's so much more so much more really bad stuff but it's hard to talk about so i'll stop here for now.