Building the courage

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jenniferelaine, Jun 14, 2010.

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  1. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I'm driving around trying to build up the courage. Haven't slept in 4 days. Something happened about an hour ago that spooked me bad....was driving in a haze to the place where I was going to do it and saw someone that I didn't expect.

    Now just waiting for the bad feelings to come back.
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    don't do it....go do something to get your mind off it....
    if that doesn't work get to the doctors or ER and get help.
    is there someone you can go to till those feelings are gone?
     
  3. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    i was too spooked. i got too out of it to drive, and I don't like sitting in parking lots. I always feel like the cops are going to show up and start asking questions.

    I went home and stared at the ceiling. I think i fell asleep for two hours.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hugtackles: beds are nice. I am glad you were spooked and are still here. I wish I could do something to help. :hug: What is going on?
     
  5. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Emotional crap revolving around my ex.

    Havent' had any sleep to speak of in 6 days. Maybe 2 hours of sleep each day.

    Thoughts getting more disjointed every day. Things go in waves. Some times I could off myself right at that moment. Sadly, usually at moments when I'm around people. When I'm alone, overcome with guilt at the grief I'd cause my family.


    Want to sleep. Want to leave people who don't love me alone. Want people who don't love me to LOVE ME GODDAMNIT.
     
  6. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Same thing again. Sitting. Going over it in my head. Not as committed to it today...but give me a few minutes and that could change. Basically been reading some grief forums and seeing how family members go through hell.


    My hell bs theirs.
     
  7. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Oh and the thing I'm sitting staring at is probably going to really f'ing hurt. Though on the bright side I don't know of anyone who's cone out the other end of it
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    so glad you're still here Jennifer.....
    I have the same thing with my brain..it never shuts down......
    I have learnt to get up and do something to take my mind off my mind so to speak....go walking, watch a movie, gardening, go to the mall and wander....anything that stops me listening to my own thoughts is good...
    If none of this works for you please get professional help now.....
    I'm pleased to hear you're thinking of the pain your family will suffer if you go..
    I can vouch for how horrific it is being a suicide survivor........
    I hope you keep reaching out here so we can try to help....:hug:
     
  9. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    No I'm sitting at undisclosed location very close to what could be the place where I take myself out in a very violent manner. Gods love technology...I can use a phone to be here while trying to supress my guilt at the same time!
     
  10. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    And I am getting professional help. Paying entirely too much for it.
     
  11. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Is the help helping???
     
  12. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

  13. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    This reason isn't worth it. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth it. It isn't worth givig the satisfaction and the peace and the f'ing happiness...
     
  14. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Don't go. Please.
     
  15. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    No that's it. I can't talk myself into doing it and it's making me mad.
     
  16. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Sitting outside freezing my ass off but going to be so mad if I go home
     
  17. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    pros cons pros cons pros cons pros cons

    Pros:

    -this "great life" people talk about me having, and a future if I could just get over this? Yeah. Not happening. Given that the highest I aspire to in life is to be with a guy that treats me like crap, get married and pop out a baby or two. Nowhere does my happiness enter into the equation. Make him happy, make him happy, make him happy. Except, oh yeah, I can't ever do anything right!



    Cons:

    -Its a really stupid reason.
    -If there's an afterlife, my dead grandpa is going to be really disappointed in me.
    -My sister.
    -It really sucks for whoever finds me/is going to have to clean up.

    So I'm not really afraid of it. More hanging on to guilt of what it would do to others. Gettign really really really angry at myself for not having the courage to just go ahead and do it already.
     
  18. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I'm really failing to see the damn point anymore.
     
  19. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Please stay strong and know that I am around a lot if you need to talk..I care I truly do.
    Bambi
     
  20. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    i can't make myself care about anything anymore. I get up, I get dressed. I go to work. I stare at a wall. I come home. I stare at a wall. I go to bed. I stare at a wall. Repeat.

    i can't sleep. Food doesn't interest me at all, more than two bites makes me sick. My body hurts.

    I alternate between depression and anxiety. I want to be drunk all of the time just so I can sleep, and just so I don't give a damn that I don't give a damn.

    I want to be over residual hopes, and guilt.
     
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