building

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 19, 2014.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I think I'm heading to a bad place, it feels that way. I mean, I feel like I'm getting to that reckless point. Things just keep building and I cant seem to calm the anxiety, get consistent sleep etc. I want to go away. to hide, disappear. For everything to just stop for once. For my mind to quit the constant replay of deaths, of abuses... over and over and over. Its all too much for me. Just can't deal with things and work demands are enhancing these overwhelming feelings and I really cant do this.
     
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Is there any way that you might be able to take a few days off? Find some time for yourself? Treat yourself to a mini vacation or do something nice to help take your mind off things? I like to skip town & head to a hotel in the big city for a weekend or whatever. It really helps me unwind and just have fun. Maybe there's something like that for you that might help you "hit the reset button" for a bit?
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I can't right now because there is something important re work and so I'm kind of stuck. But at the same time the more time goes on the worse it's getting so it's something to think about if I can. The problem then is I'm on my own and that's another issue. Too many things in the pot to know where to start, I haven't even paid my bills that are due and that's not me. It a just too much. But thanks for the suggestion.
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Three hours of sleep. Kind of
    Woke up distressed.fired of this.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Can you reach out to a counselor, therapist, doctor... anyone around you that can offer some help?

    :hug: Here if there's anything I can do.
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I truly hope that someone irl will help. Because you SO deserve that. I know this is more than anyone should have to handle alone. And left to their own devices. :hug:
     
  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    So many here care about you :hug:
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I tried to reach out, things didn't work out. And so really at the end of the day it's up to me to shit or get off the pot if you'll excuse the expression. I feel scared. It is what it is.

    My thanks to you all for responding.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    well I still hope you can find a way to contact a therapist or doctor. Because you deserve help. You really do.
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I really don't, but thanks anyway, night.
     
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    When is enough, enough? When can you justify throwing in the towel? When should you be honest with yourself and wake up to this stupidity? For the decades I've been in this physical form, in each decade something major and negative has happened. I mourn what could have been in some ways. But then I realize it could never have been. Things weren't set up that way from the very start. Is that justification enough? Perhaps it is my skewed view on things, my personal way of looking at it. And therefore perhaps it is wrong. But I can't rid myself of nightmares, of memories, of physical and emotional abuses, of such great losses. How can I be someone who is greater than all of these things? Do they define me? Yes, they do. It's just the way it is. It may be considered a pity party and a lot of the time I would agree with that thought.

    Now, I'm here. Those I loved have gone. I am left just with the memories of them now and all the other crap too. And so, again, I am asking myself why and how to get through this? Again.

    Ultimately I think if I experienced what I have then surely taking my life can't be so difficult. And I'm scared.
     
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    mo, I am hoping that somehow you will find the miracle of enough healing to make it possible to live many moments without so much pain. I know it has been so horrible for you. So painful. Please know I am here :hug:
     
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you for responding flowers. I feel so alone, so I appreciate your words and for taking the time to write.

    I believe I've worn out any welcome I may have had here. No great surprise really, that's just me being me.

    Take care of yourself, thanks for all of your support recently.
     
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I do not think you could ever ware out your welcome here. Quite the contrary. People here will always care about you. I think that circumstances can make it so some people do not come as often as they used to. Or we know that some do not come at all anymore. But I honestly do not think that anyone is less welcoming. Thats my personal opinion. Please know I care. and I know there are some others who do as well. But I can understand how difficult it is when there are few responses. Thats the reason I do not start threads, as you know. Please know I care. :hug: And any time you want to talk, I am here.
     
  15. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    MoAnamCara as Flowers said you will never wear out your welcome, you give to this community when you can so why would you?
    It is awful, dealing with the loss and I wish I had clever advice to help but I don't, I can only say I am here to talk and try to keep you company.
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thank you v much

    very difficult night, very anxious and having difficulty breathing and remaining present.
     
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am here if you would like to talk. Please know that, Mo. :hug:
     
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