Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Citizen Insane, Jun 11, 2014.

  1. Citizen Insane

    Citizen Insane Staff Member Safety & Support SF Author SF Supporter

    "You have turned me into this..." "..Every day, every hour
    I wish that I was bullet proof." - Radiohead. :(

    Hello again, lads.

    Usually this is when I start stating my name, occupation, diagnosis and hobbies. :p But that's not really needed at this time.

    In advance, I'm sorry for the sort of long story some of you will read.

    Probably what's going on is that I'm still not accepting my final sleep, my death that will not happen due to old age. The loss of self, the ego and my sanity.

    This time, it's the time of philosophy. At least, that's what my life has been about for 4 years now (I'm 24 years old).

    An incredible problem started in 2010 and I'm like very far away from restoring the balance. I understand that I am not my disorders, an individual is shaped by many more factors.

    But, what is a human then in this day & age? I am convinced that the weight my mind is carrying will be carried until the day I die. A lifelong illness or disorder, that's what most people call it (therapists/psychologists mostly).

    A human like myself is shaped by events that happened in the past, genetics, brain chemistry and what not... Though my future is forged by dreams and hopes.

    Still it's hard to have hopes and dreams when the world and my feelings inside just do not seem to cooperate with me.

    I am fed up. :( I know that this battle I am fighting will last a long time and.. I will have to fight it on my own. And I just find it too frustrating.

    The person I want to be is a person that is "liked", full of confidence in his capabilities, sort of attractive physically and not worried about the future at all.

    But in reality, my wish is actually a slow dying dream now. Cured of my depersonalization (that's actually possible) and never looking back to the things that transpired. Just living my life after that... to the fullest.

    Not what society wants me to do, no... never again. Society society society... Can't I just be myself for once? If I want to waste my time and money on things that do not seem okay to some?

    No thanks. As long as it's my time and I'm not breaking the law or anything then, no. Freedom of thinking what I wish to think about, that's one of my wishes.

    I have been told that I have too much time on my hands, because I'm thinking too much about existence. Oh I'm sorry... I wish I could be brainwashed like some members of society and read the newspaper.

    I used to believe that mental disorders are capable of making a person "stronger". But damn it, it's just so not needed ever in anyone his or her lifetime.

    Being happy or content with the most god awful thing that could probably happen to the brain and an individual's mind... why?

    Perhaps I do not see it yet.

    I see now that it's alright, a wise person once told me that most of the human life is made of suffering. Unfulfilled desires, pain and all of that.

    That is all... for now. I'll be back in 8 hours or so, going to waste my time for a bit I suppose by going outside and socializing at a card game.
  2. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    You are quite a bit younger but I share the sentiment. Being yourself often means being by yourself, while trying to play societies game feels empty inside and like a no win situation. Some people can play and win almost effortlessly while I struggle and get nowhere, sometimes making things worse through frustration and bitterness.