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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by imalone, Apr 25, 2016.

  1. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Today was back to school after 2 weeks off, most people just hate going back because of learning, but its different with me. I'm scared to walk the halls without being pushed over or insulted, I'm scared to put my hand up in lessons for fear of being wrong and being made fun of, I'm scared to be alone for too long as I feel like everyone is staring at me. I'm really insecure about my looks and feel like i'm ugly and horrible and that no-one actually likes me. My self-esteem is horrible. My anxiety kills me. I can barely complete the simplest of tasks without having worrying or crying. And last night I spent hours curled up crying, trying not to hurt myself over going back to school, I tried to convince myself I would be fine. But it was all lies.

    Today I got up and I skipped breakfast and spent my time in the bathroom putting as many different types of spot cream and dirt cleansers as I could as I have a lot of acne. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing my ugly, spotty face. I try my best to use my fringe to hide my face and eyes away.

    Then when I got on the bus to go to school I started shaking and crying quietly because I was so scared of going to school.

    When I got to school and it was time for forms (20 minute registration classes at start of the day) I saw everyone else in my form standing with their friends, waiting to go in, chatting away, but as usual I stood by myself. Then when we went inside for form I sat in my seat in silence and only spoke when my name was called out on the register. I even hate hearing my name being called out for fear of being stared at.

    In first lesson (maths) we had moved seats and the teacher put us in new places, I got put next to 3 other girls who I didn't talk to really, but I could tell they didn't want me sitting with them. Then in 2nd lesson (PE) I took off my school blouse to put my PE shirt on and all my scars were on display. No-one said a word but i caught one of my friends staring as I quickly put on my PE jacket to cover them up. This term we were doing football :( Needless to say I'm horrible at pretty much every sport. We got into small groups and did dribbling practise but I felt as if everyone was watching me the whole lesson as I was slow and really bad.

    At lunch (after 4th lesson) I sat down, none of my friends had turned up yet, so I sat by myself. This boy who I knew came up to me and asked if he could sit with us, some of my friends didn't like him but I wanted to be nice and I had nothing against him so I let him sit with us. About 15 minutes later these boys came up to us and started bullying him (like they usually do), then because I was sitting next to him they started picking on me too. It hurt more than anyone could think. I let everyone else's words get to me. I hate myself for that. I froze up and sank in my seat, letting them keep throwing words at me until the bell went for next lesson. I just couldn't stand up for myself, no matter how much I wanted to.

    In 5th lesson (biology) our teacher made certain students (including me) stand up and tell a fact about enzymes, and although she knew I was really shy and I struggled a bit (because I had only just joined top set this year) she left me until last and I couldn't give a fact. Everyone watched me and eventually the teacher told me to sit down and went onto explaining today's lesson. I bet everyone didn't care about the fact I couldn't give a fact but it stayed in my mind and I kept thinking that they were all staring at me and judging me.

    On the bus home this girl, who was behind me, started whispering my name, taking my bag away and hiding it, pulling/messing with my hair and saying things to me. I didn't say much back. I just sunk back into my seat, turned up the music in my headphones and stared out the window. Even though It was all jokes it hurt me and I just wanted to be left alone.

    When I got home I just started crying and just started talking and cuddling with my rabbits and cried. I feel like they are the only ones that listen. My friends say I can talk to them but I'm scared to because I feel like I'm bothering them, that I'm making everything about me and that they really don't care about me. My brain is really hurting. I can't sleep, I barely get any sleep nowadays. I keep trying to not eat and drink. I haven't drunk anything in a few days. And I haven't eaten anything for nearly two days. Luckily I've been clean for a few days but I'm scared I'll break that record tonight :( I just hate myself and no matter what anyone says or does to comfort me I just feel like I'm alone and that no-one cares. My head takes over me.

    Thanks for reading if you got this far, it means a lot. This is only scratching the surface of how I feel :(
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I can most definitely relate, I was bullied in school too and on the bus. It was the worst time of my life and I left school early because of it. Is there a school counsellor you can talk to? I'm no doctor but it sounds like you have really bad anxiety and if you do it's best to get treatment for it now when you're young as it only gets worse over time. I am sorry for what you are going through, my best advice to you would be to see the school counsellor, try to ignore the classmates as much as possible and keep the headphones on and ignore them. How old are you may I ask? What do you want to become when you finish highschool? You will amount to a million times more than those bullies ever will be!
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that school is such a horrible experience for you.....I hate how people can be so horrible to others and you sure as he'll don't deserve the treatment you are getting at school.

    I remember having those thoughts at school and always be constantly worried about what I'm doing and what people are doing and thinking or saying when ever i did anything. I still struggle with this today but I dosnt seem to be as bad but still horrible enough.
    I know its easier said than done but try and tell yourself that people are mostly worried in their own business and not what you are doing.....altho it took me a long time to be able to believe that statement and most of the time i still dont but I try.

    As petal said are you receiving any help or treatment for your anxiety?? A school councilors might be a good idea. Also depending on were you live they may have youth centers around that can provide referrals or services for you.

    I hope that things improve for you and know that you are worth so much more than those bullies ever will be.

    Please do your best to take care of yourself
  4. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I do try to ignore everyone but I just let what they say get to me. I always want to stand up for myself but I'm too scared. I'm gonna be 14 a few weeks and I would like to play the guitar in a band in the future. Thank you so much for replying it means a lot.
    Petal likes this.
  5. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I wish I could tell myself that people are focused more on what they are doing but my brain refuses to believe it, along with half the things I say to calm myself down. I'm glad your better than you were I'm not yet receiving treatment, my mum knows what I'm like but she's never taken me to see anyone to help me. Thank you very much for replying, it means a lot.
  6. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I don't want to discourage you any but it took me many years to even slightly being to believe the things i was telling myself when my brain was so against me.....it makes you tied to be in such a battle with yourself all the time trying to tell yourself to be rational when your brain just can't not even agree.

    I'm not sure how close you are with your mother but maybe you could sit down and tell her how bad it is a maybe it a good idea to get some help from a Dr or therapist or even both. I'm also not sure what your mother stance is on those things.

    When I was at school i had to keep it a secret from my mother what I was doing and taking meds it was tough becuase i didn't really have friend so I could say I was at their house so I just use to say I was going to the shops. But it was also quiet easy as we had a free doctor that would visit the youth center once a week so I went there and they are more youth friendly. I'm not sure we're you live so I don't know if you would have anything that might be similar or not.

    If you want feel free to message me I can't say I'll be a great help but I will do my best..

    I know its hard but try and keep at saying rational things and I believe that eventually on some days you may be able to believe them.
    imalone likes this.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear what happened hun. Bullying is terrible and no one should have to deal with it.

    Have you tried talking to a school counselor and teachers about what is going on? You should not be fighting this battle alone.
    I hope you get some treatment soon, I think some therapy and counseling could really help you. (not that it's you that's the problem btw, but you deserve some help dealing with what you're being put through).

    Is there a chance you could switch schools? Would that benefit you?

    Either way, I just want to send you a big hug. I was severely bullied all through my school years, and I was too scared to ask for help. I am only now receiving therapy, and gosh I wish I had the chance when I was your age.
    I even recently sent a very long email to the school where I was bullied the worst... I am 26 now, and I'm realizing how wrong they all were, and not only the students... But that's all I can do today (other than the therapy, that would be much more effective if I started at your age) ... an email telling them of the horrors that happened under their noses.

    Please speak out hun.

    And know my inbox is always open if you want to talk!
    imalone likes this.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    wow only 13! You seem so much more mature for 13. I think you're pretty damn amazing. Do you play the guitar at school or at home or both? Can you report the bullies? Or is that out of the question? I wish you all the best and by the way I am lynn and I'm 27 and you can always talk to me anytime. Is changing schools an option available to you? I think it might be good for you. Bullies are such cowards, they pick on the quiet shy ones, cowards!!
  9. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I'm quite close with my mum but I feel weird talking about things like this, even to a friend. She knows about my SH and that I worry/stress a lot but that's about it. She doesn't really know the full reasons why I do what I do or what's going on in my head, I'm scared to tell her some of the really serious things. I don't think there are youth centres near me. Thank you for replying and trying to help me, it means a lot, I promise I will try my best.
  10. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I am unsure who my school counsellor is as my school doesn't really talk about helping with mental, emotional and physical worries, they mention bullying but nothing is ever done if we do tell them. I've wanted to switch schools but I'd be scared to start a new school, with no friends and being all alone, I'm too scared to talk to people so it would take me a while to make a friend.

    My old primary school friends and one of my secondary school friends that moved goes to this school but my parents won't send me there because they say its a rubbish school. But I'd rather be taught there than stay at my school. I'm glad your getting help, I hope you can get a full recovery.

    I wish I had the courage to send an email to the school but they usually just make things worse or do nothing about it.

    I'm quite a shy,quiet girl and I find it hard to ask for help for the simplest things but I promise I will try to speak out. Thank you for replying, it means a lot to me. I hope you get better :)
  11. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Aw thank you, it means a lot, especially to hear something positive about me. I pay it at home because my dad plays the guitar and used to play in bands and do gigs so he teaches me. In the past when bullying has been reported to the teachers they've not really helped solve things, they just tell us to ignore them and sometimes talk to the bullies but they never listen.

    Thank you it's nice to be able to talk with you. I've thought about changing schools but I find it hard to make friends in a brand new school and all my old previous primary school friends go to a school that my parents won't let me go to because they say its rubbish.
    Thank you for talking to me and replying, it means a lot. Hope you're doing well :)
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sure there are lots of positive things about you but us humans often focus of the negatives more than the positives. It's good you have a hobby and enjoy playing the guitar. Maybe sit your parents down and explain what is going on? Are they easy to approach? Either way something needs to change because you are being bullied enough to be considering suicide which should never be an ''option''. Talk to them, tell them how stressful school is for you and if there's anything they can do or would recommend. I sure wish I was as smart as you at 13. I didn't really grow up until I was like 22 rofl and I still get babied by my mom lol Its lovely talking to you too, we can be a crutch of support for you. Whatever you are going through we will go through it with you ((sending big caring hugs))
  13. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    I might be able to talk to my mum but I'm not the best at explaining things and I'm afraid I'll break down in front of her. Thank you for helping me, it really does mean the world to me.