"Bullying is a normal part of life"

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by _Terry_, Jul 11, 2010.

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  1. _Terry_

    _Terry_ Member

    I get this a lot. People always ask me why I'm so quiet. I really hate getting this question and here's why. If I haven't answered their question yet(either because they haven't asked me yet, or because I simply responded with "It's just the way I am"), the person assumes I'm some stuck up, unfriendly, and mean person who doesn't want anything to do with them. If I give them the short answer - "I'm just a shy person", I have to listen to them go on about how I need to open up more, join conversations, smile, wave, blah, blah, blah. However, some people go as far as asking me to elaborate and explain why I am the way I am; why I never talk to anyone. And I absolutely hate it.

    The reason I hate it so much is because I'll go on to tell them the hell I went through as a child. The same old story of how I was picked on, excluded, laughed at, humiliated, and beat up so much growing up. All this time I'm sitting there telling them what happened to me, I know exactly what is running through their ("realist") mind, and every time I turn out to be correct.

    They go on to tell me it's a normal part of life, everybody gets bullied. Although they might be correct that everybody gets bullied, I don't believe it's a normal part of life. When they say they were bullied, they might have been "bullied" by definition, but as I've said before, some people have it a lot worse than others. You have the wide range of people(which is most people), who by definition are "bullied", but then you have the people like me where these incidences of bullying aren't just your typical childhood quarrels.

    This is the type of bullying that I try to explain to them. I try to explain that just because you was bullied(which by the way, is most likely in the wide range that I mentioned), and I was bullied, doesn't mean the damaging effects were the same. Okay, you had a spat with a friend, her and perhaps her friends "bullied" you for a while, but eventually you either parted ways or resolved your differences and became friends again. The damage from those type of incidences came and went. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about everlasting damaging effects, effects which changes the way that person thinks about people in general.

    In fact, some people not only believe that bullying is a normal part of life, but it is actually beneficial because "it helps them prepare for the harsh times of adulthood". I believe they couldn't be more wrong. In fact, they are way wrong. Bullying hasn't prepared me one bit for anything. If anything, it has made my life worse, a living hell in fact, pretty much to the point that I can't wait for my life to be over. If instead of being picked on and rejected, and if I was included in on things and people wanted to be my friend, my entire life would be different right now. I would be more confident.

    I think about all things that could be different. I would have went on to college and gotten a degree, I would have a better paying job, and I would be able to interact better with people. Anytime I'm with a group of people, even a group of family members, I'm really quiet. They think I'm bored or I'm not having a good time. I'm often seen as a "party pooper". But here's the thing, if I am in a group of people and I actually do happen to say something, a lot of times I create some sort of awkwardness in the group. They get this look on their face like they're wondering why I said what I said or that what I said was irrelevant to the conversation. This is why I'm always awkward around people, whether it be social or just in general.

    None of this has left me since graduating from high school, even the bullying. I remember when I was a kid, I couldn't wait until I graduated and got into adulthood because I thought all the elementary stuff would have been left behind. I thought people would have grown up. But that's not the way it went. Bullying has followed me into adulthood. I could go to work, just mind my own business and not attack anyone, but for some reason someone wants to prove how tough they are, or how cool they are. They hone in on my annoyances and they will repeatedly do it.

    Something that makes me more upset is the fact that I will watch another person come into work every single day, each and every week, and not one person will bully them. It feels like I'm always carrying around a big sign that says "Bully Me", no matter where I go, no matter which job I get. People can't just leave me alone.

    Now getting back to the people that believe bullying is a normal part of life. A lot of the people that say this are also the same people that say to me "You're a big baby, grow up" and "Get over yourself" after I explain to them why I am the way I am.

    THIS is where they contradict themselves. The reason they contradict themselves is because they have just told me that bullying is what prepares me for the harsh times of adulthood, but then they turn around wondering why I am the way I am, so they ask me, and after I explain to them what I have been through, they make the statements I mentioned, which doesn't make sense.

    So many people join in on the bullying and humiliation of others, which can literally ruin a person's life, in yet, they don't condone other wrong doings such as murder, adultery, theft, vandalism, rape, and molestation, ALL THE WHILE claiming that they are a person who has a conscience.

    Bullying makes people feel like shit. Getting bullied at work is very stressful. The bully doesn't care if you lose your job, so in essence they don't care if you can't pay your bills, therefore they don't care if you end up out in the street, therefore they don't care if you eat, therefore they don't care if you die. I know it's hard to swallow. I mean, do they really not care if you die? Well, if you think about it the way I described, then no, they don't. So they have no problem in making your life a living hell to the point where you don't want to live, in yet they also claim not to condone murder, and they also claim to have a conscience and they're not some programmed robot.

    And to them, if most people do it then that makes it okay. They say they know what's right and wrong, but if there's millions of people that believe such and such is the norm, they're just gonna take the easy way out and join in. This, in a way, contradicts themselves again, because they say they know all about life and "how the world works" and that they are tough. So they're tough, but they're not tough enough to stand up and do what's right because so many people other people are doing what's wrong. Don't tell me you're tough, if you're gonna take the easy way out like that.

    This is why being nice has become the hard, and being mean has become the easy - because so many people are doing it. And because generation after generation people believe this way, it perpetuates. I believe that if something's wrong, it's wrong. Bullying is wrong. Bullying is evil. It literally can ruin a person's life, just as it has ruined my life and many others.

    This world doesn't care if I die because it wants to uphold what it perceives as the norm and what it believes prepares people for harsh times, when all it does is actually create harsh times. I hate this God damn world. You BULLIES out there are not tough! You have to do what other people are doing! If you were really tough, you wouldn't care what other people are doing, no matter how many people there are, and do the right thing! Stop being mean!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2010
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    That's a fantastic post.

    I've had very similar reactions and feel similarly to you- I've now come to realise it's my confidence and integrity that attracts reactions that aren't all intentionally intended to cause harm- but just a normal, socially acceptable way to interact with others who scare or challenge them in any way.

    I think it's frightening for some to realise how widespread this behaviour is, and how they might be themselves, a bully, or a bystander. And this is very much a thing a bystander or bully would say. It's typical of people who live in denial and think that there's nothing to do about this (ie help children who bully at the age where behaviours can change which I hear is under 10, and provide consistent therapy for the people damaged) but sit back and do nothing.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2010
  3. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    Bullying is not ok, in any form.

    You say that at work you seem to be the only one who ever gets bullied. I bet others do to, but you just don't see it. They probably have different sore spots that the same bullies find and pick at.

    But, that doesn't make it any easier for you.

    I wouldn't tell people anything when they ask why you are shy. Just say you are and you don't need advice. They don't need to know anything.

    And, you can report bullying in workplaces anonymously. I've done it. You might want to check on it. I don't know if that would help, but it might.

    My niece was being bullied at school. It was horrible. The boy was older and would just punch her straight in the face, when she wasn't looking. She didn't tell anybody. We found out by actually seeing him do it. And the school just shuffled their feet! Hmmed and Haaa-ed. My brother had to go to the superintendent to get help. It was awful. And, you know it will be with her forever.

    I think you're courageous just for speaking up at all.
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I agree. You are. :hug:
  5. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Hear, hear. :)

    I totally agree with you.
  6. _Terry_

    _Terry_ Member

    I'm glad you mentioned this because this is one of the areas of interacting with people that I have a problem with. If someone attacks me, I feel like I should be able to defend myself. The problem is, very often, the person who is becoming defensive and putting their guard up is the one who is considered being offensive, even though they were not the person who attacked first. It's like "your guard is your sword" so to speak, but apparently it's the defensive one that's wielding the sword, not the one who attacked first. And a lot of times, the group will team up with the person who attacked first, and the person is attacked further by the members of the group.

    I think this is so wrong. Nobody seems to care about who attacked who first. To them, if someone insults you and you stand up for yourself, you're the one in the wrong. This is another reason why my life is a living hell. I lose either way. If I don't do anything, the bully gets to do whatever they want. If I stand up for myself, the entire group goes against me, and because the bully sees he has support, so he STILL gets to do whatever he wants. So either way, my life is shit because someone has to be mean to me.

    When I was a kid, I wanted to own my own business when I grew up. But here I am under the influence of the lasting effects of bullying. I don't know how to interact with people, I always have people team up against me, I get bullied at every job I go to, I'm extremely shy, and I have no social skills. How the HELL is person like that going to own their own business? If I went up to every person that's bullied me in my life and told them that my life is ruined because of what they did to me, they wouldn't care one bit. They would just brush it off like it's nothing. A life ruined, all because people had to be mean. I now know the price of my life.
  7. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    And people wonder why we have mentally 'unstable' people killing others because of traumatic events such as these. Society and those within it end up secluding certain people. By doing that there's a chance, a fairly massive chance at times, that that person will go apeshit.

    I'm pretty shy I'd say. I barely say anything at school. I usually just sit in class and stare into no where or attempt to look like I'm listening to the teacher/writing crap down. But usually I'm just thinking of ways to kill myself. That shit changes your mind. But that's another story. Anyway, people sometimes ask me why I don't speak. Well the funny thing is that I do speak, just not to THEM. I fucking hate it when kids say I should 'put-in' to the conversation or some fuckin' crap. Like fuck off. I could do so much shit that would fucking kill me but here I am living in this fucking shit hole. Sometimes I wish I would just come-out so no one would talk to me. That'd be the funny thing. If I came out I don't think many kids would talk to me. So I just have to hide a massive part of me. Plus when I sit there in class I don't have much of an expression on my face. At times it's funny because the teachers sometimes come up to me and ask me if I'm ok with everything/got what they said. "Because it's hard to understand what you're feeling when you're just...sitting there!" <---- something a teacher said in Year 7, that was a good teacher. Thankfully most of them are. It's the kids that are fucked up. Some of the kids - to be exact my "friends" if you wanna call them that - say I'm a machine and I don't feel anything. Well that isn't fucking true. I get hurt, I feel pain. I even cry at times but very rarely. And no one ever sees it. Don't they think there would be something wrong if I wasn't showing any emotion, or talking an awful lot and showing not much of an interest in anything?

    Sometimes I think it'd be better if the Earth would just plow into the Sun and rape the living shit out of everyone.

    I'm sorry if my post offended anyone and it was a bit more of a rant than a reply :(.
  8. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I was never bullied, and I feel I can now fully appreciate how lucky I am. Equally, I never bullied anyone else (I personally can't imagine why anyone would want to hurt someone like that). But despite not having experienced it, I know it is NOT 'a normal part of life'. The only reason people can say this is because it has become so common, not just in schools but in the workplace too. I believe this is also why schools don't know how to deal with it, because there's just too much of it going on.

    I literally can't imagine how difficult your life is, simply as a result of cruel, thoughtless, ignorant idiots. To me, the key word there is thoughtless - if bullies thought for just one second about what they are doing and how it must feel they would be disgusted with themselves.

    You all have my utmost sympathy, which I know no-one asked for, but you've got it anyway. I wish there was a magic wand to stop all the bullying in the world (or to make the bullies get bullied for a bit, see how they like it), and I wish I had some magic words to make everything better and undo that damage. The best I can do is try to understand what it's like, and never belittle anyone's experience of bullying (which I never do anyway). It may be disgustingly common these days, but it'll never be acceptable.

  9. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Being bullied is a horrible experience, but you always have two choices. You can either be in control and choose to forgive and forget, or you can allow this bad experience to control your life and make you depressed, bitter, and hateful. The choice is yours. Blessings..
  10. _Terry_

    _Terry_ Member

    Another thing I'd like to mention is even though the bullies of my generation don't give a damn what they did to my life, they do remember my name. But they don't remember it because I was one of the popular kids. No, no. They remember my name because of who I was. I was the fat kid nobody liked, the reject, the outcast. If they saw me somewhere today they could say "Hey, that's Terry <insert my last name>!".

    I know you all know what I'm talking about and who I'm talking about. I know you know their name. And you know who "they" are. "They" are the people everybody excluded, laughed at, picked on, and beat up. You remember them. I know you do.

    If I knew I was gonna turn out the way I am today, I would have asked them them to kill me instead. I really wish I did now too. My sister got married a year ago and moved 5 hours away with her husband. My mother has been on anti-depressants ever since. My mom told me the only thing that could hurt her more was if I killed myself. I wish I would have died when I was younger, but now I have to hold on for my parents. When they're gone, that will probably seal the deal for me. I am the black sheep of my family because of what bullying has done to me. And eventually, it will be my generation that's the oldest. If I don't kill myself, I'm going to end up being a 70 year old homeless person. I think I'd rather be dead than live some long, boring ass life, hardly getting by and ending up a homeless person.
  11. _Terry_

    _Terry_ Member

    I wish I was able to put "control" and "forgive and forget" into the same sentence. I could forgive and forget what bullies have done to me, but as far as where I'm going in life, there's not really much I can control. Change yes, but control, no. If I could control my life I would do what I wanted when I was a kid and start my own business, but like I've said, with the anxiety, the social awkwardness, the shyness, the lack of people skills, and low self esteem, which are all results of the long term bullying I went through, I don't see myself achieving that goal. This is what bullying has done to me. It has literally destroyed my life.
  12. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    We are the horrible people.
  13. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I know you probably don't like hearing advice but you have to stand up for yourself. Bully's are cowards. They think they run the world but the minute someone stands up to them they back the hell down. What sort of bullying are you going through these days?

    I was always a weird kid, but after I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7 and then again at 12, I was really fucked in the head. I didn't trust or talk to anyone. I gained a shit ton of weight and thought about killing myself daily for a good 15 years.I was absolutely tortured as a kid for being fat and weird. I had a few friends but I got in fights almost daily. People used to punch me in the face and throw me downstairs, all because it was funny. If I got upset or did anything I was being dramatic. Teachers didn't care and I was alone.

    I didn't fight back, I just took it, because that's what you are supposed to do. I remember my High School bully in 10th grade when I changed to a new school. I was fat, short, and still didn't hit puberty really, so I kinda looked like a lesbian. These kids hounded me daily asking me why I didn't have a girl friend or if I liked guys. This guy even spread the rumor that he saw me make out with a guy and that I was gay. I wasn't and I am not ( no there is nothing wrong with being gay either) but they never let up. They would call me ****** and throw food at me everyday. They would take my drawings and rip them up. They would spit in my lunch. They would thrown ketchup packets at me and ruin my clothes. One day I said enough is enough and smashed the bully in the face as hard as I could. Everything I had. I didn't care. He never bothered me again.

    Now I am taller and stronger. I worked out, so while I am still fat, most people are intimidated by me. I usually treat everyone well and with respect, but the minute someone becomes confrontational I immediately inform them with body language and speech that I will not be fucked with. People used to say the worst type of things to me and judge me. I was the psycho kid. I was the gay kid. I was the anything they wanted me to be.

    STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!! NO ONE WILL IF YOU DON'T! You have you and only yourself in this world. Bullies are predators. They smell fear and low self esteem. It gives them a hard on. Are you going to let some punk little fucks that did some shit to you maybe 5 or even ten years ago control your life now? Trust me I have been through horrible things, but it comes down to two choices. You can either brush yourself off and get your revenge by living your life or letting them win. DON'T LET THEM WIN.

    I ran into a high school bully of mine right before I left for Korea, where I now live. He was working at Burger King and I had a brand new car I bought with my own money and had a good job that I got with my degree that I paid for with my own money. He had nothing. He was getting my fucking burger. I am now 26. So 10 years later who's the bitch now? I won. Karma is a bitch. All of those losers that hurt you guess where they are now? Dead or in jail or complete wastes of life. Fuck em.

    It won't be easy, but you can't just let them win. Don't lay down and die. You have to force yourself to think positively and to change. IT IS NOT EASY NOTHING IS!! BUT YOU CAN DO IT!!! JUST BELIEVE!!!!
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Yeah I know. Was there anyone who stood up for you? Because I was one of those children, I'd try and do something about anything I saw/witnessed, sometimes it was very stupid/dangerous looking back- but the bullies seem to listen/respect me for some reason? :unsure: Which I never understood as it was known I had speech difficulties but they seemed to not care, and want to talk to me and things. Pretty weird as I was a loner generally, but I think the thing with me is that I was talked to everyone (even tho' teachers said I had problems- I had problems with THEM as I was troublesome to them, I didn't attend half the time and yeah..), and people realised I liked my distance and I was in the roughest (most likely rowdiest, rather than violent) class at school , I was told. Thing, is I look back at that period of life- before 17, as peaceful as school was a safe place for me. I think really, the bullying/bitching and backstabbing happened in the in-groups rather than the people who were okay by themselves.

    Was there ANYONE in your class who was neutral or was it all about in-groups and people on the fringes who were vulnerable to attack?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2010
  15. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'd say I'm fairly 'neutral'. I tend to stay that way anyway. But in the end I don't like saying bitchy and mean things about people. It just isn't me. At home I may swear a fuck load but that's because I get angry at home and stuff.

    Actually strangely enough, my school doesn't have a lot of bullying. But you do have the 'bad kids' here and there that do shit, but it just tends to be between the other annoying shits :dunno:.
  16. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Same here.
  17. Underground

    Underground Well-Known Member

    The problem is, that's not always true. Too many people have this idealised fantasy that bullies are some archtype of person that are cowards really, that will suddenly stop as soon as you learn to insult them back or beat them up. In my experience, bullies are actually clever and calculating and good at getting you really riled up, so you hit them or say something, and end up getting up in trouble yourself. I've "stood up" for myself numerous times, physically and verbally, I was ALWAYS either ganged-up upon afterwards or my words would be twisted widely out of proportion, to make them seem like they were winning the 'slanging battles'. For example, this bully I had with a really bad acne problem, I told him he had a pizza face and needed to buy some Clearisil.. he and his mates just laughed, and counter-insulted me with something far more offensive.

    I'm sure I could have put a few of my bullies in hospital if I got angry enough, but what would the result really be? I'd have been done for Assault, and they'd get off scot-free.

    Bullying unfortunately is a normal part of life, but to hell with people who think it's therapeutic. If I had never been bullied, I can tell you.. I wouldn't be here where I am now.. a socially anxious recluse. Good for you if you became a "better person", but that isn't because you were bullied.. it was actually because you were always a strong person, and that strength would've manifested at some point or another, anyway.
  18. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    yah I dont get the idealized bully fantasy either, is so absurd i usually lives me with no words, its like the next jesus

    They r just sadistic, the type of people that torture war victims in wars and this is the only trait they have in common, they come in all shapes and intellects and they always seek social control and coercion over anything else so you can be sure they have batter skills at it.

    People stand up for themselves if they can and karma is random believe me.

    When will people stop being so deluded about this subject? it disgusts me
    Its sad "nicer" people r so ignorant

    And seriously if bullying is a normal part of life go fucking die, that is also normal.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2010
  19. jasonkramer

    jasonkramer Well-Known Member

    actually its not absurd its quite true. the problem is if you have a history of backing down or if you look weak and pathetic, the you will have to go far and beyond the normal requirement to get the bully to leave you alone. i.e. you either cripple them or kill them. both of which will land you in jail.

    you are picked on and abused because you are an easy target. you are the easiest prey they can find and thus you become a victim. the only ways to stop this is to become a predator your self (predator does not equal bad person), or make your self too dangerous to go after. the principles son or the bosses stupid daughter will usually not get bullied. predators will not put themselves in jeopardy unless it is their job to do so such as cops or soldiers.

    also recognize then bullying is a natural part of life. its what , mainly, children do. it does not become a problem until (as iam sure most of us in this part of the form have encountered) it becomes excessive and real physical (hopefully) or mentally (harder to prove and blame others for) damage is done.

    the world would be a much nicer place if everyone was armed and willing to kill. people would think twice before being assholes.
    "God created man, but Sam Colt made them equal"
  20. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, give the assholes guns! That will make things so much better!
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