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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PandorasToybox, Feb 10, 2012.

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  1. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Things at school have been really tough this semester. I thought over the winter break I'd get a chance to relax and get back some of the energy I burnt up the previous semester. Immediately though I realized that I felt like I had way less energy and after a rough start I feel like i've completely come off the tracks. I feel completely lost and almost disoriented with school and now even outside the college Im feeling the stress and pressure. I don't feel like I can pull myself together and last week I felt suicidal.
    Its been frustrating because I have a learning problem that sometimes makes me a little slower at learning new things and a poor memory due to other reasons. But I keep up, but sometimes I can get a little behind. This sometimes causes other students to make comments and lash out. Some of my professors (whom Im actually fairly close to) get a little frustrated with me sometimes and unintentionally make comments that hurt.. I feel like nobody understands how frustrating it is for me, as Im the one who has to go through life EVERY DAY with this, not them. I've adapted but my energy is super low and I feel like a piece of shit most days.
    There have been many days where Im scared for my future and I just don't want to wake up the next day. I feel like a burden and I just don't know what more I can do. My family has been very disconnected these last few years and depression and suicide is very much frowned upon, so talking to anyone is much of an option.
    I love what I do college wise, I just hate waking up and having to deal with feeling like a burden and a moron... I earn 80's and 90's in my classes but it just never seems like its enough. I go on study binges all the time to try and get ahead and keep up. But its never enough...I don't think anyone realizes how shitty I feel right now...Theres so many things going outside of school that I just can't deal with it anymore...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu are striving for perfection and that will never happen hun. I do hope you take time NOW to talk toyour councillors at your school and get them aware of how you are feeling so overwhelmed so burnt out okay. They are there to help you and you need to not be so hard on you. Please hun reach out to them now okay perhaps work out a time where it is just down time to relax work it into your schedule okay hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Does your university have a department that you can contact to get resources to augment your learning? Many schools have very good support teams to assist in learning strategies and test taking. Usually there are counselors who can direct you to the appropriate services...please PM me if I can be of any help as I do have some information regarding LD...also, and most importantly, you can feel so proud you are doing so well in light of these difficulties and please do not let anyone influence you to think otherwise
  4. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Im definitely NOT striving for perfection. I earn the high marks because I have to. Theres a whole other back story having to do with what happens if I don't obtain top marks (in short I will be cut off from what little I have left of my "family").
    I have lived my whole life knowing about my LD and have never really felt the impact on my academic work because I always adapt my learning style and work my ass off. Its always other peoples attitudes towards the situation that drains me. Im constantly having to apologize for having a LD. On top of that the epilepsy slows me down, but I always catch up, but again it makes people mad when I struggle. Other students have made it clear I don't belong in college.
    I've talked to counsellors before and I always find them useless... I just want people to get over the fact my disability is there and realize that if I can live with it 24/7, they can put up with it for a few hours a week and even then it really doesn't involve or concern them. Im so sick of living what I feel is more of an apology than a life...
  5. corbins

    corbins Member

    I know how you feel, I feel much the same way. It's like life is sucking the life out of you, I suppose. All I really do on any given day is hang out with friends. They don't know that I've tried to kill myself in the past and they don't know I'm depressed, so they treat me like a normal human being. It's nice, really, whenever I feel down I just go to them and it helps. Maybe find a group of people who can help you like that :)
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    That college should be proud to have a student like you.

    I'll quote something from the encouraging quotes thread in the positive and motivational messages subforum.

    Dr Seuss. - “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

    You're not a burden. You're showing a great work ethic, an ambition to do well, and you'll often find that those who do judge are just being narrow-minded and immature.

    I think you'll go far.

    As for the family side of things, that saddens me a lot that you'll be cut off from them if you don't achieve top marks. They should be supportive of you regardless of how well you do - :hug:
  7. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Narrow-minded...that pretty much sums up the entire situation. All I can see around me is ignorance...and its annoying.

    Its going to be a very, very tough and stressful week. and it doesn't help that Im sick :( I think tomorrow I might go have a talk with my coordinator, because I can't keep living like this... I try so hard...Im up studying all night, then at the college for 6:30am to study more... its really hard for me to retain information but I bust my ass to make it work... meanwhile there are students saying Im a "useless fuck" and do nothing... while they are sleeping Im still up studying and doing everything I can to keep at their level.... they are just dragging me down.
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Don't think too much on what the other students say. Their opinions are worthless when you know you are giving more than 100% (and to be perfectly honest in my eyes, you're not at their level, you're way above them).

    Maybe focus on what you personally want out of this. After all, its your life, not theirs, and I'm proud of you even though i'm a stranger through the internet, for sticking with it this far. How much longer are you at the college? (months/years)
  9. PandorasToybox

    PandorasToybox Well-Known Member

    Your words really mean a lot, so thank you :)

    Im in college for another 1.5yrs possibly 2.5yrs, depending if I want to extend my studies. I think more often than not its the attitude of the instructor that upsets me...he doesn't mean to, he really is a sweetheart and we get along very well, just sometimes he loses patience and says things without really thinking or understanding.

    Student wise, they just make things hell for me in the kitchen... I try and just ignore them but sometimes they feed off what the instructor says and thats when problems start to arise.
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