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buried alive

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, Dec 12, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    More of the truth. What better form of humiliation is there than to
    rape and molest your daughter and force her into a state of
    helplessness and fear. I can't help thinking that everybody is ashamed
    of me. My body reacts to every fear now with a numbing sensation that
    begins with a tingle in my fingers and my toes. It emanates upward
    toward my heart and settles in my brain. I feel nothing except scared.
    My dentist tells me I have ground my teeth down. He asked me if I was
    stressed? I don't feel stressed - I feel numb - but I can't sleep at
    night. I toss and turn.

    Maybe it is because my family forgets about me from time to time. They
    skip my birthday or bypass landmark events that hold meaning for me.
    Hell, half the time they can't even bear to see me. It hurts. They
    can't deal with this shit either. I remind them of the truth. Better
    to sweep me under the rug and pay attention to me only when I force
    them to trip over me. I might as well not be here, I don't want this,
    I don't need any of this shit. I didn't do anything wrong!!! fuck. I
    just was a baby, a child, it is not my fucking fault. And now I can't
    fucking fix it, it is not fucking fixable. I try. I go to therapy, i
    take the stupid pills that don't do shit, I go to group, i go into
    treatment, i stop destroying myself and what do I get? I have tried
    really hard, and I just go crazy.

    Feelings are supposed to ebb and flow, and thus people are able to
    cope with them. It is bullshit that I am feeling exactly the same for
    weeks, no relief, no reprieve. Stuck in a constant state of panic,
    paranoia, shame and despair. I am done trying to cope with it, it
    doesn't fucking work. You want the truth, the truth is that unless
    your parent did this to you or you can crawl into my fucked up head,
    you have no fucking idea what I am going through. And I am sick of
    being told to be patient, I'm out patience, I need this to get better,
    I can't keep doing this, this is not a life, this is just like being
    buried alive.
  2. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    Hard to know what to say to you because no one has right presume they know
    or understand. I do not know what I could say that would help. I only wish I could. I have to respect what you have written.But you deserve more than respect. You have suffered evil and you have expressed that. But to give you the power you need. You do have some power. It is strong message that puts me to shame for not being adequate, not know what to say or do.
    but I won't hide from your justified anger which has to be expressed. You have that power and you know how to use it. There is strength in you. Others are being weak. But have your own strength.
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I dont feel strong, i feel like giving up, giving into these feelings and just killing myself now. I have had these thoughts for a long time, and now I want to act on them, just get it over with, make all this pain stop.
  4. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    im so sorry to hear that...you are so sweet person...im also my family dont care about me...and i had it...bu what i can say...this is life...just live day by day...and suport each other..
    take care sweet heart...
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I reached out to two people, and no one cares to respond, now I know I really dont have friends or anyone who gives a shit about me, might as well swallow the benadryl and die.
  6. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    Maybe there is a way that you can live in a better environment... move in with a friend, or seek help from social services to get your own private living space. My father also did really disgusting things to me. No one defended me, no one helped me, I was a screwed up teenager that couldn't sleep anymore and lived day to day in a body that felt... like it was on fire. There isn't any way to describe how painful it was, and still is sometimes. I left home when I was 18, worked three part-time jobs and rented a room. I stopped contacting that part of my family. Therapy hasn't really helped me, but I exercise like crazy, two hour workouts three days a week. I use the physical pain to ease the pain in my mind, and I feel a sense of accomplishment and ownership over my own body, something that was stolen from me for years. If I could escape, I know that it is possible for you too. PM me if you need anything.
  7. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    It is so good that you are able to express your anger and fury! Please keep expressing it that way and not against yourself.

    No one can know how it feels to be so violated, betrayed and brutalized - and the garbage that did it to you will never really know - we can only hope they find an excrutiating result to their horrific abuse.

    Your family doesn't know how to handle it, obviously, and are adding blame and shame to your abuse...they are adding to it, so get out if you can... distance yourself from interacting with them if you can't move out physically, at least withdraw from them and reach out for your emotional support elsewhere...

    So so sorry you are struggling with all this - the only way out is straight thru, it is the most painful, and healing way to get out of the numbness and be able to live again - but the pain comes first, and it sucks, and it is unfair, and makes ya want to scream.... So scream, and write, and keep trying...

    No one can truly know your pain but you, just know that to numb out the pain, you have to numb out part of who you are, and all feelings get numbed...
    To live again, is to let in the feelings, and that means all feelings...but after the pain - there are moments of good, and I am told the moments of good and fun will come more and more with time...

    Please take care of yourself.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Swimmergirl,
    I have to say, what your father did was totally disgusting.. I have a daughter and aan eight year old grandaughter.. If anyone tried that with either of them they would have to deal with me..
    I can only hope that one day you will see yourself again.. That the pain will subside.. You have done the right thing by distancing yourself from that side of the family.. Just know he will pay for what he did one day.. Theres a saying that for every evil act you commit it will come back to you ten fold..
    If you need to talk you can always PM me.. I'm usually on line in the mornings..Take care and be safe!!!
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    what he did was despicable and how you're feeling -anger,rage, is good, and understandable and like t-bear i encourage you to direct all that towards him and the people who have hurt you and not towards yourself.

    how are you feeling now?

    you mention group and therapy. what kind of therapy are they giving to help you manage your feelings?

    i don't have much to add other what t-bear and others have said but i hear you. i feel the same way.

    ods mightn't mean death, just a lot of vomiting. i do hope you didn't OD. i do do hope you keep writing and reaching out here if it helps.

    some people seem to give a shit here don't they? i know the feeling of reaching out and no one there, it's destroying. who were the 2 people you reached out to? were they professionals?
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