More of the truth. What better form of humiliation is there than to rape and molest your daughter and force her into a state of helplessness and fear. I can't help thinking that everybody is ashamed of me. My body reacts to every fear now with a numbing sensation that begins with a tingle in my fingers and my toes. It emanates upward toward my heart and settles in my brain. I feel nothing except scared. My dentist tells me I have ground my teeth down. He asked me if I was stressed? I don't feel stressed - I feel numb - but I can't sleep at night. I toss and turn. Maybe it is because my family forgets about me from time to time. They skip my birthday or bypass landmark events that hold meaning for me. Hell, half the time they can't even bear to see me. It hurts. They can't deal with this shit either. I remind them of the truth. Better to sweep me under the rug and pay attention to me only when I force them to trip over me. I might as well not be here, I don't want this, I don't need any of this shit. I didn't do anything wrong!!! fuck. I just was a baby, a child, it is not my fucking fault. And now I can't fucking fix it, it is not fucking fixable. I try. I go to therapy, i take the stupid pills that don't do shit, I go to group, i go into treatment, i stop destroying myself and what do I get? I have tried really hard, and I just go crazy. Feelings are supposed to ebb and flow, and thus people are able to cope with them. It is bullshit that I am feeling exactly the same for weeks, no relief, no reprieve. Stuck in a constant state of panic, paranoia, shame and despair. I am done trying to cope with it, it doesn't fucking work. You want the truth, the truth is that unless your parent did this to you or you can crawl into my fucked up head, you have no fucking idea what I am going through. And I am sick of being told to be patient, I'm out patience, I need this to get better, I can't keep doing this, this is not a life, this is just like being buried alive.