Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ziploc_bag, Jan 11, 2011.

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  1. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Guest

    I'm buried in stress right now.

    I've had two strikes in the program I'm at. I'm becoming a (insert underpaid, much needed, under-respected career here). They're bound to kick me out at this newest issue.

    Not going into specifics in case things bite me in the arse.


    If something happens to my future, all this college will be for nothing. I have dreams, but they don't involve this career so to speak. I want to be an artist. This job was a foundation so that I could pursue my dreams and still have an income. (everyone in my family thinks artists are always going to starve, and as far as I can tell it's true.)

    If something happens, my mother will panic. She's already threatened that if I get in trouble again, she's cutting all support. I'll be on my own. No rent, essentially homeless. Where do I go? No future...no dreams, etc. Plus she has high blood pressure so I don't want anything happening to her. She might get another heart attack and then what...

    There were reasons for this career but right now I'm so bogged down I don't see them anymore. It's almost not worth it.

    I will let everyone down, and have no future.

    BF said we'd make it somehow but I don't know.

    I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to do the worst possible, but it's habit nowadays for my mind to be drawn to that possibility.

    Why would it be so bad? Yeah I want to draw but that's not going to happen now. I don't know.

    This isn't all I'm facing, but I'm not saying any more to protect the innocent.

    Someone give me some hope.
  2. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    I'm the OP here. Had to switch accounts. My question still stands.
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    If you'd like to talk about this with my via PM or MSN feel free. I think we need to know what the two strikes are, and how they have brought you to this point.

    Does your BF know about how low you're feeling? Does your family? Help is so often there, but when depression hits, we often cannot see it or wilfully ignore it.

    Things can and do change - 3 years ago this month, I'd just quit university having tried and failed to retake my first year after a suicide attempt. I thought with a physical disability and a lot of emotional baggage, that my life was over. Gradually you begin to realise this is not true - life is unpredictable. Are you taking any form of anti-depressents? Have you spoken to a doctor or the college counsellor?

    Sending a big strong hug for you...hope you reply
  4. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    Parents are not understanding. One is looking out for me and has more faith in me than I do in myself, and if I told them, there would be more rage than anything. They already know about my problems. The other parent is ridiculous when it comes to medicine and health care. (conspiracies and stuff like that.)

    I've tried anti-depressants. One made me too anxious, the other made me really angry and gain weight.

    BF knows how low I'm feeling. He's the only one I can trust. He's keeping an eye on me but I still feel miserable.

    One of the things that prevents me is the possibility that I'd wind up in a wheelchair or paralyzed or something from botching...just something I thought of given your response.

    Things are still at stake so I can't go into specifics, I just can't.

    I've spoken to the school and doctors before, but things always get me into trouble. People panic quicker than they offer constructive help, so I am risking everything even by coming on here.
  5. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Have you considered going back to the doctor regarding meds? Sometimes it takes a while to find the ones that work best, don't give up on it yet. Also have you consulted a counsellor? If you're at college there's normally some form of student care for want of a better term. I don't know if by college you mean university and I don't know which side of the pond you're on so I can't be too specific, but counselling is definitely an avenue worth pursuing.

    Speaking as a regular wheelchair user, your mobility is precious - treasure it.

    Chris x
  6. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    I really want a therapist but when I need one I am not motivated to do anything, and when I feel good I don't think I need one anymore.

    I want a way to take away all of this stuff without dying. I have things I live for, but everything is so overwhelming. So much stress, I feel if I don't do everything though I'll fail and make matters worse. But stressing prevents me from doing anything.

  7. ziploc_bag

    ziploc_bag Active Member

    I can't trust anyone I am friends with in the program because one of them ratted me out...things I was saying in complaint.

    Who do I talk to? I am so lonely and paranoid now.

    I can't even trust this place because I am worried that they'll find it.

    I'm talking to myself now. I can't expect good answers from all of you since I can't give enough info.

    I scared away the only person in the program I could trust...I didn't want to get her down but she has a life too...she's away now.
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    yeah, trying treatment again might help.

    you could apply for disability benefits

    how much $ support are you getting from your mom?

    maybe you and your bf could go live some place like bali, live for cheap in paradise, maybe do some english teaching on the side while you make art.

    you could be like gaugin only cooler

    oh, I also like to recommend chinese medicine to people, especially when meds don't work out
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