Burn out, but can't stop.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Adam, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I am so extremely weary. Fighting to get my clients what they are owed and need to survive is getting so much harder. Kafka would be proud. The Victim blaming rhetoric is really starting to get me angry. Moronic people with no clue are getting me even more irate to the point I want to savage their lives and plunge them into poverty and mental illness just to watch them suffer and be vilified and watch their bigoted self delusions shatter on the jagged edge of reality. Then laugh at them with contempt and scorn when they come to me for help. “I am sorry due to funding cuts you are on your own. I would direct you to other services but they have gone under. Please now rely on 'Big Society.' born of political spin and equally as empty. If that means starvation and death well that is your own fault for some reason I can't fathom, but apparently it is. Be careful not to become homeless as it is the equivalent of being a criminal. But you can legally sleep in a snow bank.”

    I go to bed angry and wake up angry. This anger is seeping into everything. It is useful to an extent. It allows me to wage psychological warfare and be so persistently stubborn I may as well be the earth's axis. But the earth's Axis does not get demoralised or suffer burn out or need to eat. I am haunted by the dead and the stories they told. Aware how badly they were treated and how they do not exist in official statistics. But their gravestones and family grief is very real regardless of what the numbers don't say and government tries to cover up. Seems compassion and human decency is no longer cost effective. I am so tired but I cannot stop. Compassion and rage are food for the fight but I am exhausted. It has certainly affected my capacity to write and sleep.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Just want to give you a big hug hun :hug: It's not easy when you feel so much injustice and rage, but I really hope you can put it to one side so you can get some much needed rest. There is a lot more I want to say, and don't want you to think I'm uncaring but my mind is shot. When I feel I can string more than two sentences together that is not babbling drivel, I'll drop you a line :hug:
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Adam, very sorry did not reply here earlier.. was on my own useless misson.. after talking with you in chat this morning do fully realize just how big the odds are against you rpeople now.. you have to fight this mission with and for them best you can.. can identify with that all way too well..

    but you do need to take some breaks, eat some and get some sleep in there somewhere sir... also getting someone for yourself to let this out to an dwith or you going to break right down the middle soon.. do care adam and hope you can hold on. Jim
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want to let you know I care and am here if there's anything I can do, or if you just need to vent.
     
  5. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Too much.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2013
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Can you vent it out, Adam? Not sure if that helps to release some of the rage.
     
  7. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    This level of rage is so inflamed. I could write out a rant. But I am realising there is little point most of the time. Most people are so deeply entrenched in Normalcy Bias or the Just world Fallacy. That the response is, 'Adam you are just being negative, that wont happen.' Well if you don't like it you can always move to North Korea.' 'That is too long I can't be bothered to read all that.' Such dismissive statements further feed my rage while I wade through the dead and the desperate. I can't go into details of those I assist and the utter senseless horror of an average day of staring into my inbox and picking up a phone, dealing with beings I can't even call human. I think I would find more sanity in having tea with Cthulhu or a full frontal lobotomy some days.

    But in summation, there is a massive erosion of rights going on in England. Workers, rights. Legal representation, capacity to demonstrate, internet filters, lobbying bills as gagging orders. Ignoring of the judicial courts and violations of parliamentary process and the outright systematic dismantling of everything with what I would consider social value. The worst hit are the disabled, mentally ill, elderly, and other vulnerable groups.

    It is so bad we had UN Rapporteur come over and condemn the current state of things. Amnesty international also have spoken out. But more repressive moves are being made to silence those that speak out. Freedom of information requests are being denied, which goes against the entire notion of living in a fucking democracy. I am also directly under attack to the point I feel homelessness may soon be in my future. Honestly I would prefer suicide at least then I do not have to witness any more of anything or be reminded what extreme hunger and cold feels like. .

    If you want the full Amnesty international statement on this matter. You can scroll down to section A5.

    http://www.amnesty.org.uk/uploads/documents/doc_23021.pdf

    I may post a lengthier rant, it will be entitled. 'There are no sick or unemployed people only lazy people.' Yeah that about sums up the idiotically painful mentality I and those I represent are constantly up against. I am so weary there needs to be a new word for it. But I cannot stop as there is nothing more that I despise than those that do nothing. I think only mental break down or death can stop me.
     
  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hi. we spoke in chat yesterday, right?
    how can you really tell who's mentally ill and who's 'faking' and is 'lazy'
     
  9. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I read this a few days ago, started to reply then chose not to. After reading a couple more times and new entries I have decided I will.
    While you may not particularly appreciate it or agree with it, the courtesy of considering it at least may be warranted.

    While applauding your motivation and sense of justice that results in action and dedication on your part, some of the anger may be misplaced in my opinion.I do not know exactly what it is you do, apparently volunteer as an advocate of sorts and if that is incorrect I apologize. I also do not know how many years you have been doing it. I am in the US and the UK so am not intimately familiar with your systems there. But some thoughts despite all this -

    Your choice to consider the people you are speaking to as less than human - As said, I have no idea how long you have been directly involved in advocacy but some of the people you consider less than human have been doing their jobs for years and tears. Just as you are now exhausted by the daily stories of horror and despair, many of them reached that in the first month of their job. At that point, they realize they can either quit that job or detach some so not engulfed in pain and hopelessness and rage all the time. This also occurs even in most volunteers at some point, to maintain their own sanity they detach. It allows workers in the fields of disability and human services to deal not only with the human pain and suffering on a daily but with verbal abuse of everybody that speaks to them or about them publicly. Speaking of them on a personal level for not caring when they have listened to the stories of pain and suffering all day for months and years (many many years sometimes) while being unable to do anything about because of government regulations and policies is misguided. If they choose to overlook a rule "because it is ridiculous and the person really needs the help" all that will be accomplished is they lose there job as well, and the person either will not receive the help or if they did will have it withdrawn and very possibly be charged for back payments (at least here in the US). The person the public is talking to virtually never is the one to make the decisions or policies - they are doing their job- nothing else. Being angry about the policies and politics is reasonable but directing that anger at somebody with no ability to change the policy is not. I would go so far as to say if you do not learn a certain level of detachment yourself then you will become even further burnt out.

    So far as all the people that do not care (in your opinion) - you do not know there stories and have no idea where they have been, what they are going through, or what they went through in the past. You have no more or less right to judge them based on assumptions then they have to judge you and your clients based on assumptions. Just as you have a right to your opinion and vote, they have a right to theirs. I will not speak for the UK as I am not there, but in the US there absolutely is a huge amount of welfare and social services fraud. Most studies by even liberal groups put it at an excess of 30% of all services are fraudulent. In California they found $60 million in fraud in medicaid and the arrest reports in out local paper have a dozen cases a month. These are just the pure fraud cases to a criminal level.

    In addition, there is a lot of very very questionable cases of support. People that receive full benefits for unable to work and all who know them see them working full time or nearly full time under the table. Not claiming hundreds of dollars a week in payment for running unregistered day cares while getting full benefits and paying no taxes. The millions that work under the table and claim poverty while actually having substantially more income than they claim. If this was eliminated there would be far less need for further cuts and people that genuinely needed the services could get them without jumping through burning hoops. Directing some of the advocacy efforts and concerns in the direction of people that are stealing the benefits from those that actually need them would be a good idea as well as the people simply opposed to paying higher taxes.

    Whether it is the people you describe that are too blind to see the sincere need for safety nets and compassion, or the super advocates that refuse to see the very genuine fraud and to believe every person is entitled full benefits for any reason they state without any investigation or support and to believe if they cheated or lied to the system to get benefits then it is justified and not stealing from those in true need, BOTH need to open their eyes to actual reality. There are some bigoted people that just do not care, and there are some cheats and frauds as well - each do damage to a system and have no regard to the genuine human needs being overlooked.
     
  10. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Butterfly

    Thanks Butterfly, your sentiment is appreciated I understand you are somewhat frazzled right now. Stress and your mind assaulting you is exhausting. My inbox is always open. I hold you in high regard even if you don't recognise your own worth sometimes and appreciate the help you have given me in my bad moments.

    Jimk

    This means a lot from you Jimk. I am doubtful you are on a useless mission. We all have our own fights. I have to remind myself even the small things matter. It is probably not good I am only eating macaroni cheese and apples. My mind has been far too active for much sleep. When I do go off to sleep I even rage and grieve in my dreams.

    Scaryforest

    Yes we did speak and I am glad of the conversation we had. You raise a good question.

    If some one is feigning mental illness they are either, truly mentally ill with maladaptive coping mechanisms and greatly reduced self esteem, to the point they must create a fiction to support and mask their true vulnerability. So even though they may be faking one sort of illness they are still ill in a way. Can you imagine what background you must have come from if you have no self identity to the point your world is only fabricated sickness? That is quite horrifying if you think about it.
    This is why I never dismiss what seems like an 'attention seeker.' I often get frustrated at how those with Borderline personality are treated by the medical establishment. But there is still some responsibility and certain lines that if are crossed cause me to lose my patience.

    Then you have your common garden variety criminal, that is gaining something from the pretence. Usually financial reward,. These people are possessed of an already fraudulent mindset and often know how to play the system and engage in a multiples of other scams and black market economy ventures. With dismay, next to nothing happens to these people and they give every one else a bad name. These numbers in England are very small. Regardless of what the inflated out of context statistics the papers create say that they are then forced to retract. But claiming insanity as an effective defence is generally a myth and works out worse. A secure unit is just a prison with nicer furniture. Or not dependent on budget cuts...

    The final point to make is Laziness itself is not a crime. There is no test or predictor of human behaviour that is accurate to a trustworthy degree. There is no accurate maths of prediction when it comes to human beings. We do not yet have the technology to detect thought crime. Crime prevention rarely functions on a prevention model it often comes into affect after the fact. The title of my intended rant is sardonic. I am not at all saying that there are no sick people only lazy people.

    I hope to speak with you again in chat some time. Take care.

    To NyjmpMaster.

    I appreciate your response and have read it over and considered it.

    I do have a response for you, but it kind of became something else. It will be posted else where. It will be entitled. 'Why Adam is justifiably and chronically angry.' I will directly quote you there. Because I am getting weary of justifying my anger on an individual basis. Or having some one tell me it is not as bad as you think it is. Hope you are up for some eye strain. :D Even if not it turned out cathartic writing it anyway.
     
  11. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I look forward to reading it Adam, and do not believe you have a need to justify though will happily listen. Nobody has to justify a feeling first of all, and second I do not believe you are wrong in feeling angry about injustices. I dd suggest it may be less stressful if it was contained , but that is just based on casual reading and I also see where you said you used it to pull strength from. I did also suggest it sounds like some may be misdirected in my opinion, but I do not know specifics of who you are speaking of, just that it comes across as generalities of any that are in any way affiliated with providing services or determining need of services.
     
  12. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    This is going to be my let it all out bitch about the same shit in new ways over and over again thread. While I contemplate the terminal absurdities of everything and try and release pent up pressure in the hopes of avoiding thermonuclear meltdown.

    None of my rage is misdirected. It is directed at those bereft of human decency or an iota of common sense. The callous and the cruel, the bully and the abuser, especially those that know the misery and suffering they cause and continue to do so any way.

    The hits just keep coming. The Meeting Minds service is now going under and will be gone by January. So much for 'Big Society' and improving access for the mentally ill. That is another amazing service that has been cut to pieces. More lonely and displaced. Not sure where they will go after that shuts its doors.

    A poor mother was denied taking her child to the job centre toilets. The reason given that they are kept closed as before they were used for drug abuse. Now I am no expert on seven year olds, but they don't strike me as hardcore heroin users, or at the sort of age they can roll a joint or snort a line in there. Sometimes I swear common sense is starting to become a rare and elusive breed that maybe I only hallucinate on occasion. Maybe it should be put on the endangered species list. It angers me she felt she had to stay and did not want to make a fuss and hope the boy did not pee himself. As if she left and missed her appointment she would get sanctioned. That is the depth of fear operating in these soul destroying grey painted pits of Bureaucratic hell. Thankfully no incident happened. But that is not the damn point! What if he had wet himself? Would she then be viewed as a bad mother, because as we all know. Single mothers are all bad mothers and entirely responsible for bankrupting England. What disturbs me is others in the various services have stories exactly similar. Even a few disabled with bowel issues. Now that I could sink my teeth into although at the same time I hope I never have to.

    It is now lunch and I am utterly drained after calming a rather despondent suicidal man. Who had gone so far as to set up a declaration of intent in the hopes of creating a manslaughter case. Disturbingly he knew the laws that would have actually made that somewhat possible! That is the depths of desperation some are in. A feeling I know all too well. I will rage to bitter end first and fight for everyone that comes to me in time of need. I sometimes reflect on that, if they knew how damaged I was myself would they still accept me assisting them? I sorely need a break after that one. I can feel a stress headache coming on.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2013
  13. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    It is all so horrible. I have been contacting more aggrieved and compiling their stories for the UN report. But listening to such grief and pain and senseless death has left me drained to my core, I am so tired that tired as a word is useless. It disturbs me that nowhere in the mainstream media was the WCA memorial event shown. Where parliament square was turned into a graveyard of flowers, reflecting the numerous dead. What more does it bloody well take?
     
  14. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    So close to thermonuclear, I actually feel this coil of utter rage that burns with such a ferocity towards the cruel and discriminatory. I am trying damn hard not to explode. My thoughts are in such dark and bitter places. Facts are facts regardless of ideology. Law is law regardless of ideology. The human rights act exists for a reason and England has been condemned on it. The Red cross is involved! The last time the Red Cross was involved in England’s affairs was in world war two! Child hunger is at such an alarming high, there are now school breakfast clubs.

    Next stupid fuck that dares moan about welfare fraud rates at me. Wont get a professional breakdown of the facts, shown the error of their propagandised mind or the utter absurdity of that position.

    No they will just get beaten into a coma by my special baseball bat lovingly inscribed with chunky words, designed to leave a lasting impression. 'There is no correlation between the pain you feel and this baseball bat, you probably just walk into lampposts repeatedly. As such you deserve your pain.'

    Before any one points out that violently assaulting people to make a point is a crime. No it is not, I have retroactively changed the law so assaulting people with baseball bats is entirely acceptable and legal. As long as I justify it in some spurious economic way setting up a dangerous precedent in the process. Lets see, it will save on the economy as people in coma's can't commit crimes.” Yes, what stupendously brilliant logic I am using, no one likes crime. I should set up the Stupendously Brilliant Think Tank, that agrees with every moronic idea I come out with! Thus insulating me from much deserved criticism.

    As such I am entirely justified as I believe I am right. Believing I am right is all that counts regardless of facts, figures, statistics, EU courts, expert opinion and country wide demonstrations, self immolations and hangings. Even if the entirety of England’s courts disagree it does not matter I will ignore it all. BWAHAHA, let them bleat, the silly plebs. All is okay as my media buddies wont draw too much attention to the outrage. Besides Xfactor is on as is the very true to life show, 'On benefits and Proud.' Yeah watch that.

    How can I do this? Well I am just imagining for a moment I have the power of a certain barely backed politician that exists in perpetually deluded state. That has the luxury of every double standard protecting him along with no accountability.

    The Death Toll rises and satire is barely a salve to my burn out; more to face tomorrow.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2013
  15. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I was meant to go up to London and be at combined memorial event and protest. But I just couldn't will myself to make the journey, my mind screamed no and I chose to listen. It all feels like ground hog day and I feel so worn down. Pushing as many applications through before today has taken a toll. I also have confirmation that they have downgraded the walking distance from 50 metres to 20 metres, entirely disregarding what the focus groups had to say. High rate mobility support is starting to seem impossible to get. 'You have no legs and are in chronic pain.' That is okay, you are now in an imaginary wheel chair and taking imaginary pain medication that is 100% effective and has no side effects. Thus you can go further than 20 metres 'reliably'. If you can't go further than 20 metres I will imagine you on steep gradient that is 22 metres long. Congratulations you, 'You do not Qualify, please spontaneously grow your legs chose not to be in pain and get a job you shirker.'

    I am starting to think I want to slip back into psychosis, maybe the Aliens can abduct me and take me from this stupid planet.
     
  16. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I feel utterly exhausted and just want my thoughts to slow down. Today has been rough, I am way outside my comfort zone seeing people personally. As I prepare to meet my local MP and discuss ever worsening standards of mental health care and the horrific damage ill thought out welfare reform is doing to the most vulnerable. I was also busy with a client, preparing her for the points she wants to get across and her own personal story. I also felt compelled to give her some of my stockpiles of frozen home cooked tuna pasta and some apples so she at least has something to eat tonight. That in of itself is utterly depressing. Also got her on an energy scheme. So that is at least one victory. But it never feels enough.
     
  17. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Really not sure what to make of today. I did my best, that is all I can say. It feels hollow though. Also the distortions have started. I am going to be compromised soon. Sigh, I hate my brain. I will likely write more tomorrow when I can think more clearly.
     
  18. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    I have been in that horrible fog the past few days. I saw my CPN today and discussed an advanced directive. I predict a bad crash that will be severe. Already stuff is moving at my windows that does not exist. I know it does not exist, yet I fear it at my window! Sigh, stupid anxiety and brain. Normally my logic is an ally against it all, but even that is turning on me. It is like watching a door closing on sanity.

    I am really weary, but just can't stop. So much hate mail and vitriolic comments on the local site. Some of it makes me embarrassed to be affiliated with the human race. I have to laugh at it, but damn it is frustrating. I can tolerate it fine. But some of the other users can't. I think I may just have to gather up the worst of the comments and pull them to pieces and turn it into mocking humour. Maybe instead of just banning these pathetic excuses for life, they should be given just enough rope and shown up for all their logical failings, cognitive biases and economic absurdity. I am confident I can embarrass them into silence or rabid vitriol. (Rabid vitriol is me winning. :D) While strengthening the position of the forum members of how to deal with these ass holes, that should not be listened to. It is impossible to police the comments section, on top of everything else. So instead maybe we can play the count the Ad Hominem game, or personal attack devoid of worthwhile argument game? +10pts for using the word, socialist, with out defining it. Scrounger, Workshy, will be worth 30pts. 50pts for 'Leftist, liberal, and get a job and swinging the lead. A 100pts for using the word, Free money & economic necessity. Heh, maybe I will call it the, Daily Hate Mail. Lol a nice inside joke considering the backgrounds of my clients and how badly they are being scapegoated. Or turn it into a fun game of bingo, with prizes of my tuna pasta... Alternatively I can encourage the forum members to come up with the highest scoring post. Satirise the very bigotry they are assaulted by and turn it into a weapon of strength and humour. Show it up for the pathetic absurdity it all truly is.

    I also asked my CPN if he wanted to meet the MP? I mean he and I politely moan about the same things. Plus he has the added advantage of not being classified a paranoid nut job. As such he would know the problems with the system on the inside better than me and be more of an authority to talk about the issues. He said yes, I think I can get that organised. But my bed is looking like a nice place to die in and be found a smelly corpse. That requires certainly less effort.

    In all, things went well with the MP in one way. As well as pointlessly in another. The topics we could cover were severely restricted. So I took a back-seat mostly and let my client do much of the talking. Social housing is certainly in a state of crisis as is mental health provisions. My client was very brave and is now getting some direct help. Not all politicians are sacks of self interested shit. But I am less than happy with our ridiculous political system.

    Something else interesting came out of this meeting, ironically from just speaking with other people waiting to be seen. But I will ramble about that another time.
     
  19. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Well it is official. The depression is here, and it looks like it wants to stay and eat me alive. My anger has died and gone cold. I just feel indifferent at the moment. It is safe to say I am now compromised and can't function effectively. As such I made the phone call and stepped down from most things, no more ESA50 forms, job centre sanctions appeals, tribunal assistance, or ringing round trying to secure food or a psych bed for a person pushed too far. I will just be doing sign posting now, meaning my inbox wont be such a bloodbath. But I imagine, given some time I wont even be able to do that. One small mercy is it just seems like depression without mania.

    On stepping down I got a slew of lovely messages. Both from former clients who I had to pass over and colleagues. I am blessed by good and amazing people. I am frustrated my brain has crapped out on me and I note I have been entirely locked out the site. That is kind of appreciated as I know I would go looking otherwise.

    But this is bad timing as well, as prior to seeing the MP I met another person who was there representing an entirely blind, wheelchair bound lady who was clearly in a state of discomfort. We all spoke and vented. I was less than polite and this ladies own story beggars belief! But it does seem like ATOS will not be getting their contract renewed. Well that is just a rumour as yet, but the person seemed knowledgeable. Unfortunately I cannot find any hard evidence that it is the case though. If it is the case, it means Capita are poised to take over. But in truth government policy is what needs to truly change. This is all just window dressing.

    Turns out these two represent a quiet prominent organisation that I will need to keep vague about online. After the exchange I got their card and have been invited to one of their events next week. They are very interested in my experiences as well as the various activist groups I am attached to. So even though I have burned out, I have got to keep going in a way.
     
  20. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    So Friday I was up all night, just sat in SF chat. Was a good distraction from the anxiety that was eating my guts like rabid demons gnawing on my intestines. Kept me distracted from the NON EXISTENT fucking things at my window. This is so stupid and I am fighting the urge to cover my windows in black bin bags and duct tape. I imagine that would look quite weird from outside, going to get the Olanzapine tweaked Monday.

    My Anxiety levels had been high for a good reason as I had been asked to speak at the meeting. I spent ages working on a speech. Trying to encapsulate the core points. I had no passion for the task. I may as well have been a pulse devoid zombie. I got it done though, signposted some people then slept a time. Anxiety followed me into my dreams. Not that I remember what I dreamt at all. Woke up went over my speech, hesitated at the door, warred in my head over cancelling. Then I reminded myself of the dead and pushed against the fear and apathy. Made the stupid mistake of walking.

    The venue was far larger than I was expecting. The number of cars parked made my anxiety sky rocket. Going inside did not help, it was busy, lots of smartly dressed people. I found who I was looking for and settled with them. Got given a program and saw my own name on it along with, 'Advocate & Service User.' That is a really weird sensation. I am amazed I did not soil myself.

    There was comfort in listening to the other speakers, I knew I was not alone. Their stories pushed at the zombie I had become and when it was my turn I went off like a super volcano turning this world of injustice into molten slag. All my anger, hate, fear it all came out with a ferocity of words, I abandoned my speech entirely. Fuck dry numbers and polite discourse. They heard my grief and disgust and my utter incredulity. Mentioning underpants on MP expenses got a laugh. Mentioning the dead in my inbox and quoting the last email she would ever type turned the room silent. I did not need notes. It is burned in memory, I wish I could cut it out my brain. Instead I shared it with everyone. Hopefully it will poison them too. Some looked horrified. Looking back, no one was nibbling either. Heh. Then I closed and the room exploded with applause, people even stood. I felt intensely shaky, vindicated but also dizzy and just wanted to flee the room. Instead I sat down, other speeches went on. Amid them people approached my table and discussed with me. The discussions were intense. When the speeches ended I was even more inundated with people. One person was clearly out to undermine me. I could see what he was doing and the pack of misinformed dogs he had with him, supporting his points, like mindless nodding dogs you see in the back of peoples cars. I let them underestimate this, barely got through school, council estate reared, mental person. Their subtle insinuations were aggravating but I was not going to rise to it. Nope just manoeuvred the smug prick inexorably to the one and only point I wanted to make. Then assaulted him with numbers. In classic denialist fashion he asked if I had got those figures from the Guardian.
    Code for, you are a leftist nut job so I will soon be able to ignore your silly world view. Told him if he did not like my figures maybe he should investigate the ONS commission for misrepresenting statistics. That got a laugh from some at the table who certainly got the joke and probably the veiled put down. The smug on his face evaporated and he couldn't excuse himself quick enough, taking his nodding dogs with him. But not before telling me I was brave for speaking and coming out. What is brave? In what way, for being a mad person and leaving my house? Condescending prick that is just the kind of attitude I am fighting against. Amusingly others later called him back wanting to address my 'valid point', but alas he did not take the gracious invite.

    I also spoke about a member on SF without dropping any identifying information, just the location. Only to learn that her situation is far from unique. The lack of available Psychiatrists is country wide, not just limited to her region. Those that are available have case-loads far in excess of what could be considered safe. The figures are eye watering and will be being brought up with my MP when I can be bothered to face people again. The conversation got grim and I went and helped myself to these weird squishy mushroom things. Spoke a while, learned a lot. Then my host could see I was flagging and offered to drive me home.

    We had a good chat in the car. I told him flat, I may be out for the count for a while. He said he would like to invite me to a more informal meeting have me speak to some colleagues of his. But there was no pressure.

    I got home and the anxiety hit me full force, like a delayed reaction that snowballed out of control. My muscles went tight and fingers went tingly and the numbness spread. Normally I can stop the snowball effect, but not that night. Full on panic attack, to the point my muscles were so tense it hurt and I could not unclench. It passed but I was wiped and am wiped even today. Well aware my email is full of messages, I am very slowly responding to. But I am so very weary.