Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feelinglikeaghost, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. feelinglikeaghost

    feelinglikeaghost New Member

    I am a rapid cycling manic depressive. I've never been on medication and don't want to take any, please don't try to convince me otherwise.

    I want to know if there are any other manic depressives here that have been able to deal with their illness without medication. I didn't know that I was a manic depressive until about 6 months ago, although I've been feeling the symptoms for years. Sometimes my thoughts race so quickly I have a bit of difficulty having coherent conversations with people, and other times I feel so batshit crazy I can't follow a normal conversation or train of thought without feeling like something is "off" or dream-like. My friends notice that I have different "moods" and comment on how extreme my swings in disposition are. I am not violent, but I definitely shift between being gentle and understanding to boiling with anger at a second's whim. Some days I wake up feeling disabilitated and just stay in my apartment all day, going outside only to smoke.

    I also have horrible sleep patterns, and end up staying awake upwards of 36 hours at least a few times a month; I find it impossible to sleep unless my body is at the brink of exhaustion. My biological clock is convinced the day is at least 30 hours long, so I never end up going to bed at a consistent time and my schedule rotates constantly. If I am ever able to keep a consistent schedule I become nocturnal for some reason or other. It becomes very difficult to deal with life when you wake up at 7:00pm and don't go to bed until 3:00pm the next day. Being up all night by yourself when everything is closed and all your friends are asleep definitely makes for a weird feeling, I don't think it can be understood unless you've experienced it for at least a few consecutive weeks. I have had these sleeping problems for about 7 years, and they've only worsened with time. Dealing with daily responsibilities is like moving mountains: It's 5:40am as I write this and I have to go to work in an hour and a half. I've already been awake for 16 hours and I have at least a 12 hour day ahead of me. I do plan to go to a doctor soon to try and get sleeping pills.

    Although I have no real plans of committing suicide, and understand that feelings can change with time and experience, I find myself unconsciously muttering "kill me" or "I want to fucking die" under my breath when I'm down. On New Year's Eve I got drunk with my good friends and a few days later one of them told me that when we were all talking about our resolutions I'd said I wanted to kill myself and the party got all quiet. I do not remember saying this.

    I feel as if I am losing my mind. Each day I wake up and can feel how astute I am, I can see what emotions are on the day's menu. On my "on" days I am extremely productive and jovial and a blast to be around, on my "off" days I feel paralyzed and useless. I harbor feelings of guilt for not being socially in tune enough on days I feel a bit off, as I'm very social and outgoing when I'm feeling well, and I feel like people get a 2-faced impression of me if I'm forced into a social setting when I'm not equipped to deal with it. I have increasing trouble being able to gauge how articulate I am and how effectively I'm communicating with people, it's becoming tougher and tougher to discern how far inside my head I've retreated.

    I think I have an exceptional emotional intelligence, and I find it depressing and isolating being around people (the majority of people) who are not as perceptive to other's states of mind as I am. A lot of the time I feel like the only person in a room full of blind men who can see. Going through day to day life is like living in a foreign country where no one speaks the language you speak. It is a recognition in people's eyes that I thirst for all the time. I don't know how to seek it out. My inability to find people to communicate with is maddening beyond anything I can describe. This silent fury is building inside me and I can’t silence it much longer. Does anyone else relate to this state of mind? How do you cope with it?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Just want to say sorry for the Hell you live with each day. Have you tried attending any type of support group? As for the odd hours for sleep, I know it doesn't help but the chat room here always has someone in it. Helps to pass the time for me. Hope someone here has some answers for you . Good luck.
  3. feelinglikeaghost

    feelinglikeaghost New Member

    Thanks for the reply. I haven't tried to find a support group, but I will look into that. Still wondering, does anybody else relate?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2008
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi feelinglikeaghost. Are you into spiritual practices by any chance like yoga or meditation? Based on what you wrote here it seems to me that you might be. Take my word on this that there are more 'awake' people, but finding them is difficult. Also the sleeplessness does occur on the spiritual path. Do you also feel very warm particularly in your back at times? The title of your thread is 'burning' and I'm curious as to what you meant by this.
  5. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hun, im also a rapid cyclin bipolar with constant mood swings. Bu to be honest, ive tried many many times to manage without medications and finally came to the conclusion I cant. Hope your degree of the illness is not so advantaces that you might be able to do it without meds. With all my heart I wish you good luck.
    Beret xxx
  6. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Hmm.. I sort of do :/.

    For practically as long as i can remember i always stayed up till the late hours in the morning, unable to go to bed unless im completely worn out. I Spend most my time online from 5pm - 6am, unable to do anything i may feel up to. Cant really go out during the night, everyone is asleep and even if they not still cant do anything because everywhere closed. Also been pretty good at reading people, telling if they shy or upset it seems im usually the one who notices, dont know why..

    This doesnt really cause my depression or suicidal thoughts, however it can add to them. Its frustrating at the very least you dont feel normal and cant really do anything either :/.
  7. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    yes, and i dont use medication. tonight i wasnt able to stop crying, and i had a huuuuge headache, caused from depression i think. i figured out about a year ago i had severe depression. also i oversleep.
  8. feelinglikeaghost

    feelinglikeaghost New Member

    I haven't tried yoga or meditation. Rereading what you quoted I feel stupid saying that. I don't mean to convey an inflated sense of superiority... I know I am not a special case and that people everywhere feel comparable things. I know, intellectually, that I am not alone. Emotions like to lie though.

    I titled the thread 'Burning' because sometimes I feel like my mind is running so hot I feel as if I'm going to explode or like my body is going to run out of steam from running on all cylinders. Like my liveliness is burning out like a match.

    I have a friend who is also manic depressive, albeit far worse off than I am. He is on medication and I talked to him about his experience with it. He says that it makes him feel far more stable, but the downside is that it makes him complacent and he has a noticeable decrease in motivation. I have noticed a lack of productivity on his part in certain areas of his life since he went on medication.

    Thank you for all of the replies thus far.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    I really do
    I m Bipolar II so hell yes I can relate
    there are not many people like us and who can really relate here as being bipolar is a very special illness
    I know how you must feel so feel free to talk to me
    I will if I get you online
    Right now my last manic state was 10 days ago and lasted for 4 days
    Did bullshit; stupid things; said bullshit; hurt people; thought I was kinda special lol ; boozing; no eating during these 4 days; browing internet for suicide articles and pics; had voice echos hallucinations

    I mean seriously this illness is awful you end up just feeling more hurt and ridiculous
    Right now Im on my very low phase
    cant sleep cant eat cant help thinking about suicide
    so yeah I do relate
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2008
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