Burning

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Typical, Aug 14, 2012.

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  1. Typical

    Typical New Member

    Somehow I never realized, but recently the epiphany struck me that one of my semi-routine habits I perform at work is actually a method of SH. On a daily basis for hours on end, I used industrial heat guns going up to (if memory serves me correct) ~1000°F . And occasionally in my line of work I use a large flathead screwdriver to hold up what Im heating. In turn super-heating the screwdriver. Well, most anytime that happens I get the compulsion to press the flathead to my forearm. I currently have 2 burns and (from what i can count) 5 scars from previous burns on my arm. Ive done it so often ive even come up with a routine lie to tell people. I say it was an accident because I use that screwdriver so infrequently, when putting it up I occasionally bend my wrist Just the wrong way, in turn burning my arm.....

    Truth be told, something deep down inside me says I deserve it. I dont know why or what part of me thinks that, but everytime I reach for that damn tool the idea flickers in my head..... I could do it. I should do it. You know you did Something to legitimize it. Think hard and Im sure youll find something.....

    Low and behold, by the time Im going to put up the screwdriver, whether ive thought of something or not I burn myself. Almost as a self-retribution cleansing through pain.... I dont know honestly.

    I dont what what i expect by posting this. I guess its just nice to finally admit to myself and others the truth about what Im Really doing.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Typical i do hope you can get some help then to stop this self harming help to get you to cope in a different way hun h ugs
     
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