Burnt Out

[lightning05]

I came a long way the past couple of months. I've accepted and am working on accepting some harsh truths, started therapy, made a plan to go back to school and start a new career path and have been responsible financially, eating well, etc. Now the stupid holidays are coming up. Seeing the Christmas stuff in stores already makes me nauseous. Tired of it being shoved down our throats.

My mom is starting to drive me crazy about Thanksgiving. IDK why when there will only be my parents and I. We can just eat a regular meal. I honestly don't even want to do anything for either holiday. I'm so tired of being the only one (of 3) who lives close to my parents. My brothers are so lucky they get to just relax on the holidays and not have to be the one getting texts about what to do, what to eat, etc etc. I miss the days when I lived too far away from my parents to make it back for holidays. They've never been the same since my Uncle died, anyway and we've always had a small family. I hate the pressure society puts on us to do these big fancy holiday meals and events. Can't I just enjoy the time off of work that I'm lucky enough to get?!

Also in therapy things are being dug up about my past and a lot of the anger I feel towards my parents is coming up. Anger I didn't even realize I still had. As therapy sessions go on I realize that I'm a second thought when it comes to the more serious matters, like the abuse I suffered when I was younger, sexual assault, even grieving family members deaths. My parents find a way to make it all about them. They can hardly talk about anything even remotely distressing, choosing to bottle things up and drag out instead, so I never really got support for what I mentioned. Hell, in a sense it might even be better if they never knew about it all! It's worse having your parents stay mute about something that caused me to attempt to take my life. Even worse to have them see a perpetrator and not say anything to them right in front of you. Anyone who has ever been molested as a child or sexually assaulted knows that it's not something you get over by pretending never happened (trust me I tried that).

Basically I'm tired of always being emotionally available for everyone when it has never truly been reciprocated. It's been a really rough year and they've driven me crazy for most of it. Over the holidays I won't even have a fucking buffer there or another person, which is why I don't want to go. I'm contemplating telling them I don't want to do anything and for ONCE putting myself first emotionally. I'm not saying my parents are these awful terrible people, I know they love me and care about me but they dropped the ball on some major, major things and it's still effecting me. Coupled with the disdain I have for what are now very commercial holidays I'm not feeling too festive.

 

[Were all together]

Nothing wrong with how you feel. Maybe, just be upfront with them. Tell them you're not in the mood to be festive this year. Yes, they may be upset. But, you will unload alot of pressure on yourself. In the meantime, take the time for you. You are what matters at this point.

 

[Dark111]

Basically I'm tired of always being emotionally available for everyone when it has never truly been reciprocated. It's been a really rough year and they've driven me crazy for most of it. Over the holidays I won't even have a fucking buffer there or another person, which is why I don't want to go. I'm contemplating telling them I don't want to do anything and for ONCE putting myself first emotionally. I'm not saying my parents are these awful terrible people, I know they love me and care about me but they dropped the ball on some major, major things and it's still effecting me. Coupled with the disdain I have for what are now very commercial holidays I'm not feeling too festive.

Why don't you make the decision to do just that, put your own emotional health first? If you do have to spend any time with people, do your bit but set a boundary for yourself and excuse yourself when you need to and switch off/tune out whatever you can. I'm not saying it won't be a challenge but that's usually the price of making positive changes for ourselves.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Sounds like some amazing changes are happening because you have worked hard to make it happen. Congrats!

i get being sick of my moms person. we talk everyday about 9am. 🤯. Somedays i just don't have it in me.... turns out shes a great woman. Which makes me feel worse for being overwhelmed. Then add the devastation i know i will feel of losing her. sorry- about that tangent. The moral of the story is some of the simplest interactions with parents are huge weight on our spirit.

i assume you live on earth. So the pandemic can work for you. 😂😂. You deserve to spend your time off the way you need to. But learning how to break the bad news is Tough. Maybe set up a zoom call where you talk long enough to have a piece of pie together. Just an idea.

what went down with your uncle? Was he the abuser? i have a timer going off, but will check back in a little bit.

Be well. I’ll look forward to hearing back.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

And then the last part-
Its ok for you to be first in your life. You are your priority. Just say no. No excuses or explanations. Or you can do the pandemic one-
I think the motto:
Don’t kill grandma.
Is worth repeating. Its the truth too.

 

[lightning05]

Nothing wrong with how you feel. Maybe, just be upfront with them. Tell them you're not in the mood to be festive this year. Yes, they may be upset. But, you will unload alot of pressure on yourself. In the meantime, take the time for you. You are what matters at this point.

Thank you. It helps to have my feelings validated because it's tough when you're always worrying about hurting other people.

Why don't you make the decision to do just that, put your own emotional health first? If you do have to spend any time with people, do your bit but set a boundary for yourself and excuse yourself when you need to and switch off/tune out whatever you can. I'm not saying it won't be a challenge but that's usually the price of making positive changes for ourselves.

I'm probably going to do just that. I'm going to talk about this more in therapy tomorrow to try and come up with the best solution.

Sounds like some amazing changes are happening because you have worked hard to make it happen. Congrats!

I have been working really hard to improve my mental state and life in general. It's been my top focus and it came with sacrifices. No one in my family was an abuser - those were all outside people. My uncle was someone we were all really close to and organized a lot of the holiday gatherings so that's why it's always been tough without him. I know that wasn't very clear in the original post.

Lol @ making the pandemic work in my favor. Definitely ran through my mind!

 

[lightning05]

I need to not feel tremendous guilt for putting myself and my needs first. It's something I've been struggling with for a very long time for many reasons. Sigh.

 

[Were all together]

I need to not feel tremendous guilt for putting myself and my needs first. It's something I've been struggling with for a very long time for many reasons. Sigh.

Don't feel guilty. We can't always put others before us, without taking care of our own needs first.

 

[KM76710]

I need to not feel tremendous guilt for putting myself and my needs first. It's something I've been struggling with for a very long time for many reasons. Sigh.

I wish you the best with that, your life should be yours to decide on what will happen.

 

[lightning05]

Don't feel guilty. We can't always put others before us, without taking care of our own needs first.

Thank you and that's true. Can't help others if we don't help ourselves and all that.

I wish you the best with that, your life should be yours to decide on what will happen.

Thank you. This is the feeling/idea that I'm working so hard towards.

 

[BlueKoala]

I understand what you’re feeling, especially with being emotionally available while you’re suffering yourself. For situations like this, I’d say it’s best to start focusing on your own mental health. The way that I got over guilt for putting myself over others to get in a better mental shape is thinking things like “well, if I’m feeling horrible, I can’t help anyone.” I hope this helps! I hope things get better! : )

 

[BarryW]

I too felt fear the first time that I told my family I would be skipping a major holiday. But you know what, we all survived it, and I have skipped multiple times after that. Some family members have showed up for just a few hours and left, while others were there for days. that could be another option besides a full skip. If you feel the need to cushion it, you could say something like "I need to skip thanksgiving but I plan to be there for christmas", or vice versa.

Tired of it being shoved down our throats

I definitely have a very negative feeling the first time I see the change of 'seasonal' stuff in the grocery store or whatnot. I don't even care what holiday they are switching to. Even though I try to avoid negative thought spirals, it happens too quickly for me to catch.

For this season, listen to whatever your heart/mind is telling you is the best choice.

 

[lightning05]

For situations like this, I’d say it’s best to start focusing on your own mental health. The way that I got over guilt for putting myself over others to get in a better mental shape is thinking things like “well, if I’m feeling horrible, I can’t help anyone.”

Yeah I talked to my therapist yesterday about this and she said that's what I need to do, especially since lately we've been touching on a lot of things that are bringing up anger and frustration. It's hard to see but at times parents/relatives can be manipulative because they put their feelings first.

@BarryW The reason why there's so much pressure on me is because I will literally be the only person so if I don't go it's just my parents. But you know what? They'll have to deal with it. It's frustrating to me that a majority of my parents shit falls on my shoulders when I have 2 other siblings, they're just lucky enough to not live close. They're also boys so less is expected of them than being a daughter, but that's a whole other topic.

For this season, listen to whatever your heart/mind is telling you is the best choice.

This is what I plan on doing because if not I'll be the only one suffering and going crazy.

 

[BarryW]

It makes sense you feel more pressure on you since no one else would be visiting. Do you think your parents might consider a 'Friendsgiving' ? Maybe they have some friends in town or nearby. It wouldn't be the same but they might feel less lonely if they do that.

 

[lightning05]

Do you think your parents might consider a 'Friendsgiving' ? Maybe they have some friends in town or nearby. It wouldn't be the same but they might feel less lonely if they do that.

I wrote them a letter this morning because it was easier for me to gather my thoughts and not be interrupted. I actually did suggest that because they have a few friends in the area who they could celebrate with so they aren't alone.

Just feeling kinda shitty because it's never easy to send family a letter that you know will upset them but it needed to be done.

 

[BarryW]

Glad you were able to take that step. To clarify, did you send them a letter in the mail? Or wrote a letter you are going to hand deliver?

Keep us posted how it goes.

 

[lightning05]

@BarryW I typed out a letter and sent it in the email. My mother wants to talk to me so I'm going to call her today but keep it brief.