Well there's a balance that comes with it. Burying them outright works, to a degree. I've let an emotional experience at a young age affect my mind and life so much that anything that associated to how that experience felt I'd run away from and bury. I know it spreads and even when you find a containable place for those feelings and a "normal" way to live, they still stir around inside of you.
Without feelings I become calculated and bond with the coldest and most methodical of things in life. With feelings I waver and want and need so much, then the prospect of life and a future seem so impossible because of my immaturities associated to those feelings. It's like a living nightmare.
idk what to do to be honest. Everythings crumbeling around me, and has been for along time. Then there's everything that I should be and what I can do. It's pretty shitty when all you want to do is hold someone and be with them when you cant. Then I start going screwy due to how screwy my feelings are. Then ontop of that feelings about work and basic life, and just opening up enough to share a moment with life, then give something back, when infact I feel like I have nothing to give and when I try with feelings it goes all nutty. I suppose this is how most people feel though, so I should just get used to it. Problem is im exhausted of just getting on with it, all I want to do is feel, but everything I feel and feel hopeful for right now, becomes impossible in a few moments or by tomorrow. It's hard to rejuvenate myself and feelings, almost like their burning out.
:turtle: So bouncey bouncey, forget it for a moment, let that burning feeling just subside and Ill think about something else
Drives me nuts. Especially when I get negativity thrown at me. I'm not an angry person or hostile, I don't have it really in me. I really feel so fucked up that at times I want it to go away. Hope and dreams feel..it's so tiring hoping and dreaming. Just want something real, not something that says its real but has no clue how to feel like how I want to feel. It's really getting bad, I keep getting high then falling, which is fine and normal. It's a hope that degrades because it has no substance or palce to be put in real life, so inside once it gets so high, it needs to fall back to reality. That's normal, it's a bit tormenting but it's normal. The worst is the sudden Smacks of negativity that come as a result of my ignorance at expressing it. It's done something to me and I'm inadvertantly feeding from it because I have nothing else to turn too. I shouldnt have opened up and thought about the past and future. But I keep do, I can't stop because I'm me. I've only been alive as long as I have, I only have known what I've experienced and felt, but I can't find a connection I can maintain with anyone else and grow from. I can find "understanding" but a connection that I can grow with? The only failing on that part is myself not on the other end.
My dog did something so lovely today. I got into an argument, and shit. I was in such a good mood but I provoked an argument(was my fault I guess) and was hit with shit again. So I felt it, I can't bloody fucking help it. Throw a nasty concept or saying at me and it runs through me. Ill sit there and take it, but inside I feel it. I take it onboard and attribute those negative feelings to who I am, and I literally can feel myself falling inside. Almost like when youre landing in a plane. There's just nothing I can do about it because I also can respond accordingly on the same level, but I LOATHE those feelings and I hate maturing negativity. So what do I do? at 12:30 in the afternoon I just went to bed. I was digging myself a pit, just trying to get away from it, but then Zain came upstairs, came up to me looked at me, then outside at the window, jumped on the bed and laid beside me. Made me feel so, idk. .. He doesn't care about my failures or whatever. He just wanted to go out and spend time with me(yeah he does:tongue
so I took him out cause i love when he's happy, and for that moment when he came upstairs, he made me feel so happy.
Im becoming a simpleton :tongue:. But now.. ug. Everything feels so.. just want a blasted hug. My mind will jump to balance out how I feel by contrasting it to what other people are going through and enduring, that so many are going through so much more shit and that my "problems" are crap. Kinda takes my eyes and feelings away from me. Doesn't change anything, just disconnects me from myself. bah. thread killer. Fuck it Feelings are so beautiful, so much when you can share and touch someone and feel them, and they can feel you... But sometimes... alot of the times... feelings cripple who I am, especially in combination with my thoughts.
It's shit.
