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But anyway in the end ...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Dewonderland, Mar 8, 2015.

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  1. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Do you have this feeling too ?

    Like this certainty alonside you everyday.

    Everytime you stop it's like how it has to be anyway, in the end.

    Sometimes I'm dow, sometimes I drown.
    Sometimes it's like it will never be over.
    Sometimes it's like pain is too strong.
    Someday feeling like worthless, feeling weak, hoping for a place to hide and escape.
    And you just want this to end because somedays it's like a pain submerging you.

    But somedays are better.
    Somedays are bad but you think you will hold on.
    Or more like you don't think you just do.

    Because if you stop and think it feels like this was so much sadness with nothing in the prsent and more fight coming ...

    And at those time when I stop I have this certainty that in the end.
    Sooner or later.
    I will certainly kill myself.
    I will go on as far as I can but in 2, 5 or 10 years I'll be down on my knees and empty and I'll just give up.
    It's not sad or scary. It's ust like something that anyway will happen like it has to be the story of me.

    Does anyone feel like this ?

    Like you will continue but you know, at that time you are sure, anyway, in the end, you will end it a bit sooner.
    And it's like you're just waiting to be tired enough to be in this life.

  2. SilentLegend

    SilentLegend Member

    Yeah life just feels like a race that I won't be able to finish.
    A strong feeling of impending doom is present in the background of every moment, even at times when things are going well.
    It is like, how much longer can I keep fighting until times up?
    The only thing that I feel different is that thinking of my future is saddening and frightening, I don't want to face that moment when I completely give up, but I'm ever moving towards it.
  3. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    I am not sure it scares me.
    It's like, a those times, anyway it will be that way.

    Like if you eat ice-cream it will feel cold on your tongue. It's not happy or sad it's a logical fact. It could be happy or bad but sometimes it's just logical.
    ANd when I look at me fighting, those moment when I stop and look at everything and how tired I can be I just feel like logically I won't make it without a slightly earlier death.

    Is it me deciding ?
    Is it a way for me to reassure myself that anyway if I want I have some control on what happens to me. Even in such an ultimate way ?
    Is it some blues rising up to the surface ?
    Is it a way to give me strengh ... wondering if I am at that point where I want to take the exit now ?

    It doesn't feel desesperate at those moment though it feel like all I am struggling with is vain and tiring and that in the end it doesn't matter anyway.

    I am not sure where that feelings come from.
    I am not sure it's a bad feeling either.
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