...but i ain't keen on living either.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Jan 21, 2011.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Lame lyrics, but they seem to sum up how i am feeling.

    The downside is i've spent some time thinking about methods, and now have my own all planned out, and am pretty certain i've covered all the bases so it can't fail. Obviously, this is the last place i will be discussing that particular part.

    But i guess its much easier once you have that prepared, at least that is how i'm feeling. I feel like i can just go, do it, and that's everything sorted. Got my damage limitation plan for those around me... i admit that part can't be perfect, but i can limit the reaction that they may have, and ensure they only blame me for what i would do.

    I guess right now though its not really either life or death i'm looking for. I can't say i want to die, but i don't want to live either... which i would expect a reply of if you're not certain, don't do it (to which i would reply, if i'm not certain i want to live, why should i do it... death is permanent... spent much longer experiencing life than i ever would death... etc, basically a line of conversation which has no good end).

    I guess the biggest argument though is that one, that it has been 10 years since my first attempt, and everything has changed in my life except how i feel about it... for which i quote "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results."... which i could apply to the choice to live i guess, but the flip side is that i try different things, with the same result... It's not possible obviously to directly imply that any set of circumstances will cause the same result (in fact i'm certain that they wont), but there is no path to go from here, to where it would be possible to be in a tenable situation. Have tried over and over to find one, but it just doesn't exist.

    Lets get to another point then, I tried today to talk to 3 people about how i was feeling. My girlfriend, a close friend, and someone i met on a website discussing depression in general. Now last first, i wasn't expecting much from the person i met on a website, only talked to them once or twice. I tried, didn't get anywhere because they didn't relate, so fair enough, wasn't too frustrated by that. The close friend i tried to talk to, just disappeared mid conversation... no explanation or anything... now i do have problems with feeling 'abandoned' so that upset me rather a lot. Though as usual, the prize for the most painful attempt at finding some help, goes to me talking to my girlfriend... who thought it would be nice to treat my feelings as completely irrelevent, didn't seem to care at all... and i know that people will ask why i'm with her and stuff like that, but i love her, and love isn't rational. I'm also obviously a glutton for punishment, but i knew that already... thats probably the reason for this ultra long post, just want to say everything that i am thinking.

    Thats another thing, thinking, i hate it. My brain wont shut up 24/7... i had maybe 2 hours sleep last night, maybe an hour the night before, very little the few days before that, because of the... noise i guess of my own thoughts... upside of which, amongst many, is i know what i would do if time travel was invented, or if fish were made of velcro (as well as my previously mentioned suicide method, which was planned mostly in those hours). Downside though is i want to... do something with an implement and my head, which i can't discuss on here. It's like being in a room full of... well yourself... which knowing me would be fucking annoying!... anyway, that wasn't the point i wanted to finish on, so i will get to it.

    The one thing i seem brilliant at hiding, even right now (though completely unintentionally), is the sheer amount of emotional pain i'm in. I can write and write (and write and write, dear god this must be dull to read)... but how on earth do you write the force of feelings, how the only thing stopping you from... doing something gruesome and violence, again which i wont mention... is the physical impossibility of doing that without a few tonnes of force behind it. How do you say that you spend each night crying, curled up in the foetal position, wishing you would disappear, without sounding weak and pathetic... how do you beg not to be alone, wish that somebody, somewhere could reach inside that labyrinth of self-destruction, depression, anger and fear, and find a part which might not be quite so crazy, without coming across as selfish and needy.

    I don't even know what i'm saying... just needed to say it. Just needed to get some of the thoughts out of my head, and down somewhere. Sorry for wasting your time with so much writing.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    PM me if you want to have a listener - I can't promise to come up with anything truly enlightening - but I feel I may at least be able to relate...

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you keep getting some of that pain that sadness the distorted thoughts out of your head your heart your soul. I hope you keep posting over and over again until you are able to look at what you post and not feel as much pain as you did the day before. I hear you depth your agony and i wish i could take some of that away. YOur wrong in thinking they will not blame themselves because they will no matter how you leave the ones left behind always blame themselves always.
    I am sorry no one sees or hears you suffering i hope you make them hear and see by going into get help okay
    The only way i have lessened this pain is by doing what you do writing about it in words rhyme posting until i get sick of hearing myself
    I hope you can find someone to reach you and to help you because you deserve that help hugs
  4. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    it's good to get things out.
    you said everything's changed except how you feel. how do you feel exactly?
  5. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I'll probably take you up on that at some point... bit vented out this evening after this post, but thanks for offering :)
  6. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The difficulty is that i have spent 10 years doing that. When i first tried to kill myself, and subsequently started self harm, i went online often to talk to people about those feelings. This was back in the days of dial-up, and i managed to clock up a several hundred pound phone bill because of it (which my father was crazy angry about).

    Sometimes i don't know what to write, because i've said it all before, many times. And despite how i've progressed, the feelings really haven't changed. I've become very aware of them, the hows and whys of them, but never been able to feel... happier.

    But they wont blame themselves, that is something i put a lot of thought in to... it isn't something i can discuss on here, because i wouldn't want to put thoughts into peoples heads... they will be sad, no doubt, at least for a short time, but i'm certain i can make sure no-one here blames themselves.
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Complete lack of any self-esteem or self-worth, resulting in no barriers to self-destructive behaviour (if i am not damaging anything of value, why does it matter?... if that destructiveness allows me to function, and there is no downside, then there is no reason to avoid it).
    Desperately alone and needy, but then angry at myself for needing others (again, because i have no value, it is wrong for me to burden others with my needs).
    And just generally feeling a lack of anything at all which would make me feel like there is a reason to keep going, coupled with the peace i think i would feel in dying (or at least, the lack of feeling at all would be preferable to my current state).
  8. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member


    Sorry, just losing it...
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