But I don't remember...(poss trigg)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by AxiomUltimatum, Aug 31, 2011.

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  1. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    (Fore word: I was tempted to log on with a new user name cos so many people on here already know me but then I thought that if I can't be me here, where can I be?)

    I just got back from a 5 week holiday in turkey yesterday. My plane landed 4am, I was home by 7am and at the GU clinic by 9am......

    Something happened on Friday/Saturday that I decided not to think much of until Sunday.

    I had made some friends on the beach on the past 3 days leading up to Friday. A group of 3 guys and a girl. We'd been going out to bars at night, getting drunk, dancing, chatting and laughing.
    Friday night we decided to do the same but seeing as it was my last night in that district I decided to order a bottle of tequila to the table. (about 4 more of their friends had joined us all male and the girl had had to go back to her town during the day)
    Some-one poured the drinks (don't know who) as we did 4 shots in about 10mins (a lot less than the previous nights) We started dancing for a while and (this bits really hard to explain but) I kind of suddenly realised I was REALLY drunk. Now this is a very vague memory but I recall needing to go to the toilet and some guy offered to show me the way.

    I don't remember getting to the toilet. I remember an image of being in the middle of dancing crowd and a girl clinging on to a palm tree from on top of a table near the back but that's it.

    I woke up 12.30 the next day on my hotel bed. The bed was still made, and I was on top. It took me about an hour to actually wake up. I went to the bathroom and realised a few things.
    My dress was on inside out, my hair was a mess, my knickers were missing and I was very very very sore "down there".
    I got in the shower and noticed bruises on my arms and legs. Some small cuts and grazes and my muscles ached.
    I was pretty damaged "down there".

    I spent the whole day in a daze, feeling floaty and not really with it.... I guess I just assumed it had been an extremely rough and wild night though truth be told I don't think I thought about it much at all..... I know I had 3 condoms in my bag the night before.. they were missing.... (that supposedly put my mind at ease)

    I got on the coach to another town where mum was staying with her friends. Spent Saturday and the night with them rather peacefully but still not completely with it.

    Sunday morning I went to the toilet to discover burning, pain and blood in my urine. Being Sunday no where was open so had to go to the hospital before travelling to mums villa to prepare for our return.
    They took a urine test and told me I had a urine infection that had spread to my kidneys. They gave me anti-biotics and we were off again on the coach to mums villa.

    ^That made me think twice and I started to wonder and realise how a lot of things didn't add up...

    Spent the night at the villa. Next day was spent packing and preparing the villa for disuse over the winter....

    Got on the plane that night....

    My plane landed 4am, I was home by 7am and at the GU clinic by 9am...

    At the clinic I told them roughly what happened and that I wanted to be checked out completely to make sure I was healthy and to treat my wounds "down there".
    They asked me if I thought I could have been drugged..... That's when my head started spinning and the past week really started grinding in my mind... They proposed sending me to the Havens for forensic testing... It was happening so fast... They explained a million things and did a urine and blood test... I hadn't yet slept...

    I went to straight to the haven after where they explained they could take swabs and do tests and document injuries and take a statement.... They asked me if I wanted to involve the police....

    (Woah woah woah!!! I don't know what happened... I don't remember... I'm confused... really confused...)

    When I told them that I couldn't go to the police cos I don't know what happened or with who and that I can't just go around accusing people of things especially in another country etc etc they told me that the results could be kept for many many months in case I wanted to follow it up later....

    The forensic testing was hideous...

    I came home, had a chocolate cookie, got into bed and slept... I woke up, logged on and started typing this...

    I'm really confused. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to do...

    Every things one big mess in my head. How do I go about clearing it all up???

    Someone talk to me?
  2. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I have wanted to do that at times. Almost like I would be erecting a shield between the truth and the real me.
    We can speculate endlessly about what might have happened. Often when we do begin to speculate we imagine to worse. When we imagine the worse we look for evidence to backup our theories about what might have happened. The reality is that it is hard to know what really happened. One of the worse things for me is the feeling of not knowing what really happened. I can imagine that it is similar with you. I can tell you this, regardless of what you remember, regardless of what you imagine could have happened. What happened has happened or didn't happen. The past can't be changed, we can only take care of ourselves in the present and prepare for the future. You have went to the doctor so you are taking care of yourself in the present. Now decide how you can prepare for the future. Figure out how to try and limit the chances of further unknowns of this nature.

    I am sorry the unknowns of what might have happened are hurting you. :hug:
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like someone gave you a date rape drug.
    Have you any idea who these people were?
    Do you know anyone who would know who they were?

    You did the right thing, you got yourself seen to.
    Now you may need some counselling.
    With a lot of date rape drugs memory starts to come back in bit and pieces causing PTSD.

    This is horrible, this whole thing is just horrible, there are some truly vile individuals out there, but you can move on from this :hug:
  4. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Oh, I am so sorry hun :(

    I have to agree with Terry. Maybe you got drugged, especially if you were sore.

    My advice would be to relax. Take the next few days just getting your head together, and seeing if anything comes back to you. Counselling is a good idea as it gives you a place to rant and try and make sense of this horrible situation.

    Like they said, they can keep the tests, so there is no rush. You just need to look after you right now. Going to the police was the scariest thing I have ever done, so please don't feel rushed into it; It took me nearly a year.

    Look after yourself and it is never your fault. Here if you need me

    :hug: xx
  5. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support :)

    When I went for the forensic testing, they told me I would get after care but as soon as it was all done and I was dressed it was like, "O.k well we'll see you in two weeks for the results"...

    I was too tired and dazed at the time to ask about the after care...

    Again, just being honest, almost everything about the whole situation is wrong. For starters, I really can't do one night stands no matter how drunk I am (I tend to have panic attacks when some one gets too close before I know them well enough) and the "soreness" I was told by the doctor was actual wounds even 5 days later... Any thing even remotely rough sends me into panic attacks...

    There are loads of things when I think back that make me feel like I must have been drugged... but... I don't know... What if I'd just been paraletically drunk? Ive never been paraletically drunk before so who knows what I'm capable of?
    What if who ever it was is genuinely innocent? What would blaming them for something that didn't happen do to their lives? Family, friends, careers?

    I'm not sure if I want to know even... Not knowing is sending my mind into over drive but if I did know... If it was innocent, I'd feel incredibly guilty for putting someone through being wrongly blamed and if it wasn't so innocent, well I'm not sure if i can deal with more flash backs?
    At the same time, what if it wasn't innocent and I don't do anything about it? Will it happen to someone else again and again? Could I be passing the opportunity to protect others from what happened to me?

    I spent the day today gaming, chatting and laughing... in other words ignoring and pretending. But now I'm alone again, I just can't push it aside even if I want to.

    What if I never find out?
    I'm not even sure how I'll ever find out..
    They want my clothes from that night for testing but I can't even bring myself to open and unpack my suitcase...

    I can't not blame myself either way. I put myself into that situation no matter what happened. I don't even know what I could have done differently short of not gone out and locked myself away into the hotel room...

    I thought that maybe if I was drugged that I could have poured my own drinks etc but this is turkey and the guys a bit too macho/gentlemanly to let a "lady pour her own drink".
    I already got a whole load of hassle for actually paying for the bottle. I had around 6guys trying to stuff money into my bag.

    Part of me knows I have to sit around and wait for a memory that may never come but the bigger part of me has to do something about it now. Make it come back.. or go away...

    I've been abused before... repeatedly...
    It's taken me an incredibly long time to, well not so much heal as to move on as best as possible but I remember everything from then. I even used to wish I didn't remember but this is worse.

    I can't stop it going round and round my head.

    I'm sorry I'm ranting. I'm going on and on...
    I suppose it might help but I seriously doubt it.

    I really don't feel so good :(
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    As others have said, it sounds like you were probably drugged. You were not yourself when whatever happened, happened. I am glad you have got the help you needed.

    These days everyone has a right to pour their own drinks, slipping someone a drug seems to be prevalent. Not sure what you could have done differently.
  7. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hazel hunni, I am so sorry :hug:

    I am here for you anytime.
  8. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    I went back to the Haven yesterday for some test results and more tests.

    Turns out that most the tests they took from me the first time were for forensic use so I didn't get the results from any of the swabs or blood tests.

    I did however get my urine results back and the reason why i'm still in pain despite a course of anti-biotics is because they gave me the wrong type for the infection I have. :/
    Been given a new course of the right anti-biotics now.

    The whole blood taking process is extremely frustrating. They tried to get blood from me last wednesday and despite my warnings managed to stab me a number of times with not a single drop of blood. The nurse yesterday finally managed to get a vein... well sort of.... the blood came... but really slowly. It took about 5mins for 1ml of blood.... and she needed 3 vials of 6mls... They're gonna try and make do but chances are I'm gonna need to be stabbed with a needle a few hundred times more.

    Also had more swabs... (Atleast they let me self swab this time).

    Problem is, when all the tests were done, it was tine to leave... and I did... but I left feeling like "was that it?"
    Like they tended to all the stuff that can be seen on the outside... they treated my wounds but forgot about the wound that hurts the most...

    I broke down on friday...

    My friend convinced me to go out clubbing.
    We got there, danced (I couldn't bring myself to drink anything but bottled water) chatted etc.... Then a security guard came up to me. Asked me to put my hands together and follow him...
    Apparently they were doing random searches on account of being raided a week earlier... Full body searches..
    Even though it was a really nice lady who was going to search me, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't let her touch me. I burst out crying and explained the forensic testing and stuff I'd been through as a result of a suspected date rape..
    I totally broke down and in the midst of trying to calm me down, they explained that I had to right to refuse the search but I'd have to leave and be banned from returning.

    I was hardly going to stay there in that state.

    They got my friend and we went for a walk along the thames before catching the first train home.

    I can't believe I broke down. I never break down... I never cry.. atleast not in front of anyone. My friend had never seen me cry before. None of my friends or family have with the exception of childhood.

    I don't really know what to make of myself at this point..

    Sorry I typed so much :(
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to be with friends right now hun Is there anywhere you can stay so you don't feel so isolated and alone with all this. I think if you can get some councilling get it now okay start it now before even test results come back hugs to you
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Right! I've been paralytic and someone tries it on I'm instantly sober!
    Might have a foggy mind for a couple of days and then I remember what an idiot I've made of meself.

    This is different, this sounds like drugs, this has also happened to me and I know the difference.
    I was lucky, apparently my slurred speech and buckling legs alerted my friends and they got me home where I passed out and woke up hours later.
    I woke up fully clothed on the top of my bed with no idea how I got there......sound familiar?

    I dont know if hypnosis might help to dig out the memory of that night, its there in your subconscious, hence the break down at the club. :hug:

    Follow thru with the tests and ask about counselling and possibly hypnosis.
    Be kind to yourself, some fucking pig (and thats insulting pigs) did this to you, YOU ARE IN NO WAY TO BLAME :hug:
  11. AxiomUltimatum

    AxiomUltimatum Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys,

    I do have a friend staying with me. Thing is I seem to clam up more when people are around. My friend knows what happened but not how I'm feeling. (Even I'm not sure how I'm feeling. It's bizarre)

    As time is passing I think I'm realising that deep down inside I know that I was drugged. It's just that no matter what, I can't be 100% sure and hiding behind the uncertainty seems easier than dealing with what most probably did happen.

    There are so so many things that point to the "obvious" but it's still so hard accepting it. I've been having nightmares every night since. Thing is I know I'm having nightmares because I keep waking up gasping for breath, panic stricken with my heart pounding out of my chest but I can't for the love of me remember a single thing from the dream. My friend said it seemed to be night terrors.

    I'm very sceptic with therapy as I've had so many therapists and types of therapy. I was even subjected to electroshock therapy at 16 in Turkey...
    I've had so much help offered to me and taken them all gladly but whats already inside never changes. With this on top of the rubbish already there just seems to sent me into some kind of block. Again, it's bizarre and I can't really explain it.

    As for hypnotherapy, when I read the suggestion, I did think about it quite a bit but there are a few concerns. First being that I don't think its offered on the nhs and I certainly can't afford it. The second obstacle would be that in a weird way it feels like being hypnotised would be like being mind date raped. Someone entering your mind and raping it for information that your defences are blocking. Surely the mind is blocking them for a good reason. The third and possibly biggest concern is that if I do somehow "remember" what happened that night and it really is the worst case scenario out of the probabilities, I honestly don't think I'll be able to cope.

    I can't deal with flash backs and panic attacks a third time round. Its not even like I'm totally free yet from the previous crap. Its taken me three quarters of my life time to get as far as I have. I don't want to go back to square one.

    Argh.. I just don't understand why this had to happen. Why now? It feels incredibly like punishment for trying to fix myself. I know that's ridiculous but the feeling won't budge.
    Feels like something is trying to tell me that my efforts are futile and that I'll never be free from all this crap.

    So much drama seems to find me, or perhaps I find it. I hate drama. Peace is my one main want and need. Only today I ended up finding some guy passed out on the pavement, lying in a small pool of blood from his head. Had to call the ambulance and look after him while waiting. This kind of stuff seems to find me every time I walk out the front door.

    I think I am finally going truly insane. :(
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