But I enjoy it...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jessie, Nov 10, 2006.

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  1. jessie

    jessie Member

    Just dropped out of uni, lasted a month. Everyone was so proud of me going. "We never thought you'd do it" etc etc. Guess I proved all the people who called me crazy right. Now I just sit at my parents house cutting and burning. But I enjoy it. I like thinking I can cut better than other people, and I like the patterns and shapes and splits and flesh and blood. I don't even bother cleaning them up anymore. I used to steri-strip deep cuts cos I know how it looks to non-harmers, and I do wanna be able to be seen as "normal" one day. Not yet. I just leave them to bleed and scar really badly. My legs are a joke. I'm running out of space.

    Sometimes I think it's harder to face reality. Maybe I'm just scared to leave my looney box and step into the real world, and do something I can be judged for based on my own merits, not the extent of my insanity.

    Whatever. I don't want to stop. I can be the best at something. Even if it makes me crazy.
  2. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    well, i would hope you'd try to be the best at something other than SI...
    try and think of something really random and do it the best you can...
    try and like...bounce on one foot the best or something...

    i've found that disclusion and being a recluse doesn't help your mental state other than letting you somehow find concrete foundation for your psychosis. (not that you have one but it may result)

    oh this isn't any help at all..

    just..try and get out. people-watch. we're a funny thing to see in action...

    - Henry
  3. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Firstly..just to say please try and look after your cuts, especially deep ones, if only for the risk of infection.

    Secondly, you say you've just dropped out of uni...im just about to. Why did you drop out? What do you want to do with your life. I think you need to find some purpose, some direction and I think you probably know that. Right now you could do anything you put your mind to, do you really want to waste your life, yourself, staying with your parents, self injuring..? Ok sure, you might fail. in fact im pretty much destined to fail. But if you dont try, you've failed already. And whats life without the challenges?

    Seriously, i'm not saying its easy. And I know what its like to feel insane. And to lose yourself in SI. But think about it, do you want your life's acheivements to be a load of scars on your body? You may as well try at something and if you fail, you fail, pick up the pieces, start again..you say youre at your parents house, so presumably you have somewhere to go if it doesnt work out, something to fall back on..

    I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, i'm not the best person to be giving you advice, but just...this is your life, yours. Don't worry about what people might think if you fail, or being judged or making other people proud. You only get this one chance so live it for YOU. And..don't waste it.
  4. jessie

    jessie Member

    I dropped out cos I didn't feel safe there, as bizarre as that sounds. I don't need a degree to do what I want (go back to work in my local homeless shelter), I just didn't wanna start working again straight away and I thought I'd do something no-one expected of me...like going to uni. As i slowly realised to debts were gonna mount up I thought I'd cut my losses.
    I used to be such a fun person to be around, the stereotypical "popular" girl. I don't understand how I have let myself become like this. I know what I have to do to feel better, but I just can't be bothered. I'm a loser now and I don't even deserve your advice.
  5. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    ok you know what im probabl the worst person to talk to you right now..so yeh you do deserve my advice because ist probably crap. I just want to say..i dont think youre a loser snd i hope in time...you will b e bothered. and youll do something to help yourself feel better. because you do deserve it.
  6. matthewpkdiamond

    matthewpkdiamond New Member

    Jessica...you are not a loser.You know your not. You have people around you that care very much for and there is that specail person who loves you very much! No-one thinks anything bad about uni, you had the courage to make the right choice for you, and i'm so proud of you for that.
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