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But... {possible trigger}

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sydx, May 11, 2010.

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  1. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    I want to kill myself but... I don't want to die. Does that make sense? In a nutshell, I hate me and I hate life and I want it all just to go away so badly.

    But a small section of my conscience just doesn't want to die. (Maybe... it's our instinctual fear of death that is repeling me from the idea... ?)

    "Syd, if you don't want to die then it's irrational that you itch for suicide."

    It's not!

    ... Is it?

    I mean, it does seem ironically contradicting, but it's just adding to the fray my mind's in. I want all my little problems to stop, I want to not have to worry about anything, I want everything just to disappear.

  2. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Hi Syd.

    This makes complete sense to me.

    I'm not sure of your situation so i can't comment directly but in my own experience, I do not want to die, at times it it's just seems like the only solution to end the way i feel.
  3. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    it could maybe be that you want to get help and get better and thats why you dont actually want to die, but you see death as an escape as a solution to all the pain and suffering, but you want to go with another option....id suggest getting help go to counseling and see what helps
  4. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    I've been in counseling for the past year and a half -- these types of thoughts being around for about four years -- and it's not helping. At all. If anything, going to counseling has made me worse.
  5. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately therapy is about as slow as watching grass grow.

    If you are not seeing any progress whatsover, perhaps you could look at seeing someone else.

    For me, while i still have suicidal ideation, i have improved in some ways.

    Stick with it :)
  6. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Eh... Thanks, Domo.

    Sucks because I'm too impatient to let the therapy run its course and take effect; but I also lack the initiative to try to help myself. Haha
  7. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I know, i am not known for my patience either. But in times like this i just have to put trust in the process.

    I am Very self destructive too so i really do 'get' what you are saying.

    At the end of the day, it is also up to you to dictate the agressiveness of your sessions.

    I'm sorry i don't have any words to make you feel better about this.

    I forgot to ask, what makes you think therapy has made you even worse?
  8. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Since I've strated going to therapy, I've had increased suicidal ideation and I'm self-harming more. My mood swings are even more severe now, too.

    Maybe it's not the therapy per se that's making me worse -- it's probably just the problem growing without influence -- but it certainly isn't helping.
  9. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    I don't think anyone wants to die... Even if you're suicidal
  10. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hi Sydney,

    I feel exactly the same, and like you, counselling seems to have exacerbated my issues rather than helping solve them. I've tried to quit the counselling, but as he knows I'm suicidal I'm trapped unless I want him to section me.

    I think Domo is right though about sticking with it. It's a slow, and often painful process, but it can help. If you really feel it's getting nowhere, then it may well be worth asking for a different therapist. It's an important relationship, and you have to 'click' otherwise it can never work.

  11. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    I went into counseling knowing that it wouldn't be a quick thing. I mean, I know change and recovering is something that happens over time, but still.

    And I do 'click' with my psych. (after four tries, ugh) but even though I feel completely comfortable with her and trust her, I'm still not getting results.

    However, she's been wanting to put me on medications but I'm not sure how I feel about that. My body has a low tolerance for drugs and I'm not sure how they would affect me physically -- as well as it's progress towards my mental well being. Any advice?
  12. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid I can't help with regards to meds, as I refuse to take them, no matter what people say. I know so many people who insist they help, so it's probably worth a shot.
  13. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Eh, I'm the same. I really don't want to take them, only because I've seen the way they mess people up -- even when used correctly. But I honestly haven't met anyone who's had them work...

    I guess I'll just have to talk to my doctor about that then...
  14. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Are we just talking about antidepressants here?

    They help me. It's not some magic pill by any means, but i feel slightly more 'together'.

    By 'mess people up' i assume you mean that they have had bad side effects. There are many different medications out there and if the side effects outweigh any positives, you won't be forced to take them.

    They are not going to change your personality or anything drastic like that.

    I am not trying to alk you into taking them. I just beleive that there is a place for them. Especially if you are not seeing results in therapy alone. Most people will tell you that a combination of therapy and medication is your best bet.

    Hope that helps :)
  15. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Sydney, I think Domo may have a good point. You can always start on an extremely low dose and see what helps. It's at least worth talking to your doctor/therapist about.
  16. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Thanks Domo, for your insight. My therapist wants to start me on a low dose of antidepressants (and I believe some for anxiety) and my doctor wants to put me on sleeping pills (which I am completely opposed to).

    I'm going to see my therapist on Friday so I'll ask her about any other options other than pills first.
  17. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yes try to avoid sleeping pills. I think you'd find that your sleeping patters get better when your depression eases up anyway (if you were to find an effective anti depressant for you)

    I understand that medication can be daunting, but it really can be a life saver.

    All the best :)
  18. Sydx

    Sydx Active Member

    Thanks for the help and support. :shake:
  19. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Your are welcome :)

    And i really do understand your reservations taking meds. I was recently offered a mood stabiliser which scares the hell out of me!

    But you have to think like, what's worse? Living like this? Or having to take a med that might make you a little dizzy (or something like that).

    I know i'd take dizzy over suicidal any day.

    But i agree, just talk it out with your therapist and make sure you let them know that you feel you are not making progress. They might need to re-asses and change the direction of your therapy.
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