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But what about someone like me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NickHalden, Nov 13, 2013.

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  1. NickHalden

    NickHalden Member

    Here's the thing. I read all these posts about all these people who feel they haven't ever accomplished anything. Or feel they aren't worth anything. But I WAS worth something. I WAS happy. But I wrecked it. I wrecked it an I can't take back the clock. I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I lost the love I had for myself.

    I don't love me. My sister tells me to live because it would be hard on her if I died. So I live...I'm now only alive because my death would be hard on others. Not because I want to be alive. Not because I am happy, but because death is hard on family. My family. The only people who stuck by me.

    You're probably thinking I'm worth saving. You're probably worried about me. But what you don't know is WHY I lost my fiancee, my self-respect, and my career. You don't know why I was in the news, why all my friends and family were shamed to ever know me.

    I was arrested for voyeurism. I'm different than you. I had everything, a perfect life, and I risked it all away for nothing.

    So while you try and say positive things to people who feel sorry for themselves, what do you say to someone who's been to jail, and did something wrong to deserve this. I made a mistake, and I deserve this.

    I'm tired of my impending doom. I'm tired of not being happy. I don't love me. How can I expect anyone else to.

    I miss my old life.

    Best Regards,

    Nick Halden...+ Johnny Walker
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I understand that you did things that you are deeply horrified and ashamed by. Things that have caused you to turn on yourself. To lose what you had. But I also think that there are ways to make restitution. I very wise vietnamese monk who lives in exile in France had a vietnam vet come to him after the war. He was inconsolable about having killed innocent people incuding children during the war in Vietnam. The master monk asked him to stay in his village of vietnamese monks, nuns and families.

    The master monk asked him to work helping the children of the village. The monk worked with the man. As the vet helped the people of the village, he found his way to forgiveness. Because he saw what a difference he was making in the lives of the children. He was working to make people's lives better. The man eventually forgave himself.

    Perhaps the point is not what someone has done in the past. But what good they can do for people in the future. It is possible that you could use your life to help people in some significant way. In doing so you may just find your way back to yourself. i am not saying it would be easy. But you would not be the first person to make restitution and use your life for good, after having done something to cause harm. There is a way to use your life for good. To help people. To feel good about yourself again. of course its not easy. But people have done it.

    You signed this "+ Johnny Walker" I can understand if you are drinking a lot. But usually that makes things a lot worse. The self medicating really ends up working against people. Anyway, Thats want I wanted to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2013
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Mistakes that are made can be learned from.

    Being arrested or spending time in jail doesn't mean that nothing can be done after the event. People can change their ways.

    It's not impossible - and yes, while certain situations are as a result of actions by the individual, what path do you choose for the future? One that puts your sister through an unnecessary trauma/grief spell? Or one that works towards regaining some of the respect you once had? It might be harder to follow the second path - but it's even more rewarding after a low to regain some of what you had before.
  4. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You come across as a really intelligent guy, Nick. I know what it's like to suffer. Every decision I've made has been the wrong one, from little to big. I can't think of one thing I've done right. I'm probably a lot older than you. I drink too. It's the only time I can feel good. I hope you'll hang on. There are others like you or similar at least. I always thought if I screwed up and became a felon, I'ld leave the country and live somewhere else. In fact, it's a weird thing but I've always thought I'd end up in prison. I feel like my life has essentially been a prison in a sense. Don't know how to explain. But I hope you'll hang on. Talk it out here some more.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Would you forgive someone the same mistake? Then forgive yourself.
    There is not a soul amongst us who does not carry a burden of guilt. only a psychopath/sociopath feels no guilt; we are human and in being human err.
    To quote Jesus "Go and sin no more" and to quote my parish priest "learn to forgive yourself".
  6. NickHalden

    NickHalden Member

    Hi Flowers.

    It's amazing how depression and anxiety can swing back and forth. I liked your story. And It is what I've been working towards. I work so hard to try and put things back in order, and rebuild a new life just in case someday I can enjoy it again. In the mean time I spend my days volunteering at churches and the community. I do it to pass the time, and also because I feel that it makes be see worth in me again. But I'm always afraid of people finding out. My secret of a past life. I'm always waiting for someone to search my name and see the articles, and find out. So I do everything I can do be as pleasant and wonderful to everyone I'm around, so that if they do find out what I've done...they at least know who I am. And it's harder to judge me.

    I want retribution. I want forgiveness. I want my self respect back. I want to love me again.

    Thanks for your response flowers.

    And you're right, I recognize the drinking is a long term doom. But it's the only thing I can do that immediately stops the anxiety, with the negative side affect of increasing the depression. I've got court dates every two weeks, and it's been that way for months. It's enough that it keeps me always on edge, and always thinking my life will end, or I'll be forgiven with mercy. I never know.

    Best Regards,

  7. NickHalden

    NickHalden Member


    You couldn't be more right. I've always said that I make mistakes, but at least I learn from them.

    And as far spending time in jail, that really was pretty terrible. I'm currently out on bail, and have been for months. But as my trial is always around the corner, there's always the chance of going back in. And what's tough for me, is that I've lived a wonderful like, I've worked so hard all my life to make sure everything was in order. But I lost track, I made some mistakes. And I lost it all. The future can be rebuilt, I just have to decide if I want to live with this, and live with the aftermath of my actions. And my new permanent record.

    Thanks for your reply.

    Best Regards,

  8. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I can say for 100% certain that it is possible to rebuild a life after such a mistake. If the details were mine to share I would but they are not, but pending jail, jail, and starting over with no job, no supports, and a hating themselves I have seen work and blossom. I admit it has taken them a couple years to get back into a semblance of a better place but that is the point - it can and does happen. I did not even know them before or during the court phase of it or jail , and I know I feel blessed everyday because they did not take more extreme steps then that would have deprived me and the world of a wonderful and amazing person..... people do understand, forget and move on - it is harder for you to do then others I am sure but once the court is over and things actually start becoming history rather than future it will be easier for you to see a future......

    Take Care and Be Safe

  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Nick
    your responses are very thoughtful. I can see how it must be difficult, to say the least, with so much hanging over your head. With the future so unknown. That would be more than enough to cause anxiety. And yes, Anxiety and depression can "swing back and forth". You likely know that this is not uncommon. I also heard you re: the fear of people finding out and judging you for the past without giving you a chance to see how you have changed.

    I hope you are in counselling to get help and support with all that you are going through, feeling and navagating at this time. I hope you will have the best outcome possible as you heal and rebuild a life. I respect that you are taking these steps to volunteer your time. The road back can be a long and difficult one. I hope that all things align so you can heal and restore. With no more time spent in jail.

    FYI, the monk I spoke of is named Thich Nhat Hanh. While I do not participate in his community, I do respect how he has dedicated his life to helping people to heal. No matter what they have done or not done in the past. Very interesting man.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2013
  10. NickHalden

    NickHalden Member

    Flowers, NYJmpMaster, Terry, Count Floyd, Fighting_the_tide, and everyone else...

    Today's been another tough day. I had a pre-trial and had a long talk with my lawyer. Talking with my lawyer is always the hardest part. Because there's always enough time between pre-trials that I almost begin to become optimistic again. I get caught up in work, family, people, and all other of lifes little pleasurable pressures. I begin to think I might actually just have a new life, that I could meet someone new and be loved again. And love myself again.

    But when I talk to my lawyer, it brings me right back down tor reality. I have my terrible mistakes re-explained to me. I have the impending consequences of my actions all layed in front of me. And I want to give up and get out all over again.

    I'm facing life long sex offender registration for an act of voyeurism. I saw something I shouldn't have, and got caught doing it. And no, it didn't involve a minor or child. You can get sex offender registration for anything the DA and Judge wish, it's mandatory however when children are involved. There are multiple cases of people changing in their cars, or peeing in back ally's and ending up having to register. However, the common belief is sex offender = baby raper. And this may be the label I wear for the rest of my life. Because I was dumb.

    I've been seeing a therapist every other week since my arrest 8 months ago. And immediately after my arrest, I saw a physiologist for 3 months as well. And I've been tested by a forensic psychologist. All three professionals can attest to my actions not being motivated by sexual desire or sexual deviancy...but, it doesn't matter. The DA won't hear it.

    I do everything I can do be on the straight and narrow, but at the end of the day, and the end of this year...my life will change entirely at the whim of otehr people, who don't know me. Or care about me. Or want what's best for me.

    And that's tough, not being in control of my own life.

    Best Regards to all of us who are not in control, or have lost control, either by someone more powerful than us, or by a substance, or whatever it is that controls you.

    Good luck to you.

  11. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    It's tough to look at your life and know that everything that happened to you was your own fault. I know. That's my life. I didn't end up in jail, but it wasn't for lack of trying. I lost everything. I blame myself. I don't even have family that cares for me. After my last attempt, I spent a looonnnggg time inpatient. It was basically beaten into my head that I had to live. I don't know why. I don't want to. I hate my life. I hate myself. But I choose minute by minute to live. I'm told that supposedly it will get better. Therapists! Always the optimists. But I keep taking that minute. Just in case.

    Please take the minutes.

  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi Nick. I hope that the judge or jury ( depending on if there is a jury) wiill take into account all the testimony of the professionals who will testify on your behalf. Is your attorney being at all optomistic or hopeful? When do you expect the actual trial will begin?
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