butterflies and paranoia

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by binky, Jan 13, 2009.

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  1. binky

    binky New Member


    I'm a new member, I've struggled with depression and self harm since I was 12, I'm 30 now. At the weekend I cut my arm open at the elbow pretty badly, I can see the subcutenous fat. The cut itself is about 2 inches long and at its fattest about 1/2-1cm widthways. Now I'm freaking out and disgusted at myself for taking such a step backwards. My arm is a bit of a mess and I always have to wear long sleeve shirts to cover it up. I've been thinking of trying to get corrective surgery on it but no doctor will do it now they see it's still happening. The thing is tho the scars make me cut, if you know what I mean. One time I tried to cut away a cluster of scars I had and made them look heaps worse (drunken logic.....).

    The other bad thing is that I wasn't even really depressed, or I didn't know I was. I got pretty drunk, woke up and there it was. Now I'm also paranoid it'll get infected. I have done everything I'm supposed to dressings wise so it should be fine, I'm just so bummed to have to spend another 6 months while it heals for a not so noticable colour. I only self harm once or twice a year and normally only when I'm really stressed so I really don't know where this latest one came from. I self harmed last year and took my first steps to try and sort myself out. I went to a psych but he made me feel like I was on trial. He was so unsympathetic and when I told him how I'd tried to kill myself first when I was 12 he kept making me repeat it, like he was trying to catch me out lying. He was going to put me on a sorta high dose of clotrazipam or something (I forget) but I chose not to. Now I wonder if I should've. It's so hard admitting this problem. I was talking to my best mate tonight and I so wanted to tell her, I had butterflies and increased anxiety but I couldn't. I was debating on going to see a friend of mine but couldn't tell her the real reason I didn't want to go. Stupidly, my arm.

    Well if nothing else it felt really good to get that off my chest. Also if there's any harmers with a similar background who've managed to beat it please contact me with any suggestions for treatment. I don't want to have another year of hiding, paranoia etc. I'd really like to fix me.

  2. boostfed

    boostfed Member

    Hey mate, I know what you're going through, I felt the same way. The advice I would give you, would be that you make sure to go to the hospital to make sure its not infected. They can make you fill out this form that you have to tell them when the last time you did something and how bad it was. But I promise that you're not alone. And that many people here share the same feelings you have.
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