Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by imgonnadoit, Jul 4, 2010.

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  1. imgonnadoit

    imgonnadoit New Member

    Let me tell you everything about my glorios life. When I was little I was totally oblivious to the real world. WHen I was 8 I watched my dad beat my mother into a bloody pulp and destroy the house, and attempt to set it on fire with us inside. My mother is a closet lesbian. On a few occasions there were strangers at my house (women) with my mom. After the fight, my mom moved out and out of he three kids I went with her.

    My mom is a severe alcoholic and she can never understand what she is doing to us. For years it has been constant fighting with her. My dad said she was in a pretty severe car accident and ever since then she has changed. I am not here to blame it all on my mom.

    Lets list off all the things i hate about myself
    1.Socially awkward
    2.Absolute 0 self esteem
    3.Starting to lose my hair at age 16
    4.Never had girlfriend
    6.Lost all my friends
    7.I have become a mean person

    ANyways i'm 20 now. I have a horrible job because I dropped out of highschool because of depression. Money is always an issue. My mom is 60, and not working. Careless spending and work has turned me into a complete asshole.

    I just got into another fight with her, at the climax of the fight I told her how easy it is to buy a gun online. I also told her I will shoot her, along with everyone else in my family before shooting myself. When she asked "why" I said "because nobody deserves to live like this."

    Brother and sister are both very much depressed. I know my brother is suicidal. He sits in the basement all day and never comes out and talks to us anymore. He is 26 now and never worked. My dad is depressed, he doesnt show it often, but I know he is.

    My mom has been on social assistance for 2 years straight now. SHe spends her money on cigarettes, and alcohol. She is on a self destructive course and nothing any of us say matters anymore. My mom wants to die too it seems.

    I just need to tell people my issues. I want to kill myself, I really do. But the fear of death is whats keeping me from doing it.
  2. xzxw

    xzxw Member

    I know this probably wont help at all.

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You will not hear from me how glorious life is. Yes life is hard, life is challenging. Life throws everyone a challenge. Some challenges may not look like challenges, even if they are.

    I am sorry your family is in such a state of disarray. My family was never like that so I cannot relate. It sounds to me like you need to get away from them a bit. Sometimes we all have to reset ourselves.

    As for your list, a lot of those problems as well. Socially awkward, that is something I am trying to fix. Like anything, it just requires practice. There are also plenty of books on how to overcome that as well. Overweight, again something you can fix, work out and diet properly. :sweat: losing hair, I am having that happen as well. Someone once told me that I should shave my head, there are plenty of ladies out there who like that kind of style. Speaking of ladies, never had a girlfriend. Go out and be around ladies. Find something you enjoy doing or more specifically something ladies enjoy doing. Women love to dance, there are plenty of dance classes out there. Lost all your friends, friends will come and go sometimes. You just need to join a club or volunteer or join a sports team. I guess I am not sure what your definiton of "mean" is. I am a cynic that is for sure. I tend to be sarcastic, and arrogant to a small degree. If you are the same, you would be surprised at what women like ;). No self-esteem, that falls to you. For me it is being overweight that kills my self-esteem. So I am trying to lose weight.

    I hope that some of this helps. Welcome to the forum, I hope you can find support here. Feel free to PM me and I will see what advice I can offer.
  4. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You have been through so much. I just said a prayer for you and hope you do too. What a strong person you are!!!! I'm so sorry you had to be exposed to all that. You sound like a great person to have gone through all that and still be fighting. Your whole family needs therapy and intervention it seems. Have you tried a 12 steo group they have helped me a great deal. All of the things on your list about yourself can be chnaged or looked at in a different way to seem not as bad.

    socially awkward: most of us are and you can learn how not to be,

    low self esteem:that can be built up

    Starting to lose hair: That means you have high testosterone,very manly
    never had girlfriend: easy to fix,you just need to be around a lot of women,12 step programs will help.

    overweight: many support groups(lots of women at these.) just start slow and you can lose.

    Lost friends:get new ones,maybe you needed to lose the oldones and better ones for you will come.

    Have become mean:thats just cause your not happy right now, When you get happier this will fade.

    PLEASE stay here wit us . We care and will help you.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi and welcome to SF. You're definitely in a stressful situation and this might be contributing to your hair loss. Your family is in desperate need of an intervention before something terrible happens. Please don't buy a gun online. In a home like yours, a gun would be like a ticking time bomb ready to go off at any time. I own three guns, but I know how to use them safely.

    I'm sorry to hear that your whole family is suffering from depression, but anyone living in a home like the one that you've described would be. You guys need an interventionist or a family counselor to help you get back on track. Suicide is never the solution. Your family needs to work through your problems and make compromises with one another. Please don't give up. :hug:
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