Cabal of Joy

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Entity, Nov 25, 2011.

  1. Entity

    Entity Well-Known Member

    1.the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
    a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
    the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.
    a state of happiness or felicity. joy: is it hiding?
    I have a lot of reasons to be happy, but somehow it would be like using clamps to have to force myself to even create a smile.
    Why does my own sadness increase when others decide among themselves that i'm sad?
    I knew i was sad already. Is it the knowledge of knowing that they can see through my mask?

    Thing is, I switch back and forth.
    One minute-i'm actually happy. Next-I'm horribly depressed all over again.

    Have I ever mentioned just how much I despise being bipolar?

    Because I despise it with a great fiery passion.

    Yesterday was Thanksgiving in the states. I woke at 6:30AM left to trek downtown for the run for a cause. I volunteered until about 11:30AM. After that I went to a friend's house and we made 46 turkey sandwiches and delivered them to the homeless. We handed out our last sandwich at about 2PM. Then i went home for dinner with family.

    I was in such a good mood for the run and delivering sandwiches. But the second I got home-I couldn't stand myself or anyone around me. The food was nauseating. My head decided to attempt to kill me with it's furious throbbing.

    Then as I laid down to rest-my mind raced. I had to go back through memories of what happened that day. To realize that I had false hope for everything i had done that day.

    I could have done more.
    It wasn't enough.
    I was being selfish by not doing more.
    My happiness was because i was just being lazy.

    School is rough. I have so many many things i need to be doing. I'm so behind in so many things. I haven't applied to a single college. I haven't applied to any scholarships recently. What have I been doing?

    I don't even know.


    I need to just get back on track, but i have to figure out when i got off it.

    Where is the other end of my thought train?