Joy: 1.the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation. 2. a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated. 3. the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety. 4. a state of happiness or felicity. So..my joy: is it hiding? I have a lot of reasons to be happy, but somehow it would be like using clamps to have to force myself to even create a smile. Why does my own sadness increase when others decide among themselves that i'm sad? I knew i was sad already. Is it the knowledge of knowing that they can see through my mask? Thing is, I switch back and forth. One minute-i'm actually happy. Next-I'm horribly depressed all over again. Have I ever mentioned just how much I despise being bipolar? Because I despise it with a great fiery passion. Yesterday was Thanksgiving in the states. I woke at 6:30AM left to trek downtown for the run for a cause. I volunteered until about 11:30AM. After that I went to a friend's house and we made 46 turkey sandwiches and delivered them to the homeless. We handed out our last sandwich at about 2PM. Then i went home for dinner with family. I was in such a good mood for the run and delivering sandwiches. But the second I got home-I couldn't stand myself or anyone around me. The food was nauseating. My head decided to attempt to kill me with it's furious throbbing. Then as I laid down to rest-my mind raced. I had to go back through memories of what happened that day. To realize that I had false hope for everything i had done that day. I could have done more. It wasn't enough. I was being selfish by not doing more. My happiness was because i was just being lazy. School is rough. I have so many many things i need to be doing. I'm so behind in so many things. I haven't applied to a single college. I haven't applied to any scholarships recently. What have I been doing? I don't even know. BLAH. I need to just get back on track, but i have to figure out when i got off it. Where is the other end of my thought train?