a little about me.. im 23. im a student. im gay. this is my life... i sleep strange hours for 2-3 hours at a time, 2 sometimes 3 times a day. i get up when i need to go to class, i work out, i come home, and i play an mmorpg till its time to eat, sleep or go to class again. i turn down going out with people because im distrusting, i say im busy so i can work out or play a game. why am i like this? this will probably be a long read. i was bullied at school for being gay (coming out at 15 wasnt my brightest idea). for years i got taken advantage of by older guys because i was young and stupid, and felt so bitterly alone. i hid at night online playing games with people that didnt judge me for something that doesnt effect them. i hated my life. then university started and things changed. i wasnt an outcast, i could be myself and not end up with black eyes and nose bleeds or broken ribs. i felt like people wanted me for who i was. i was always surrounded by people that wanted to know what i was doing and wanted to come along to wherever i was going. i found a boyfriend that treated me well, and i loved my life. about 6 months later, i started getting headaches. they got really severe, and i stopped going out as much, and after a few weeks i found out that i had a brain tumor. in terms of severity, i was very lucky because it was benign, caught early, and i made a full recovery relatively quickly. i thought when i was diagnosed that id have people around me all the time still. what i found was, all the new people id met didnt care, they just wanted to know me because id somehow become the person everyone knew, that was always going out and having fun, and being seen hanging out with me was like some rediculous form of social acceptance. i still had my mum, my brother, my sister, a close friend, and my boyfriend, so despite the reality check of a lot of people not caring, i was still lucky to have them. i started cautiously building a life again, and was happy. about another 6 months later, my sister died. i had to be strong for my mum, she couldnt cope. it was a really difficult time, and i kept thinking some days the only reason i got through the day was my boyfriend. soon after he dumped me because i was too clingy. i felt alone again, unwanted, so i did the only thing that made me feel wanted, sleeping around with guys that only wanted my body. it took away the loneliness for a short while, but then that feeling was still there after, with a new feeling of being an easy lay that no one respected. eventually i turned to hiding online again, i stopped sleeping around, and found comfort in knowing theres people, albeit in an online world, that wanted to spend time with me for who i was, and not for what they can get out of me. now, some years later, having my heart broken by another guy, being used by guys for sex, being messed around by people online who would lie and steal, having a recurring tumor, i feel like there isnt any point anymore. a few months ago, i found out that my dad who walked out on us 13 years ago wanted to get in contact with me. i said no. 2 weeks after i found out he died in hospital. i still dont know how i feel about this. i feel lonely, and it hurts. it physically hurts. i cry myself to sleep sometimes. if i meet new people, i dont trust them, i cant trust them, both in real life and online. the lonelyness fades when i feel like im helping one of the few people i do trust. i like doing things for people, i like making them smile. lately i havent felt appreciated, by anyone. i do things and the lonelyness is still there. i dont want to go back to how id been before with dealing with it, i dont want to feel like a cheap slut. a rediculous thing is, i take a lot of care of how i look, i always like to dress well, without meaning to sound arrogant im good looking and work out a lot, and i like people noticing me. and you know what i hate? people noticing me in the way that i like. how stupid is that. ive been waking up thinking why am i even waking up, whats the point, why should i even be alive, im not living im existing. today i scared myself. walking over a bridge, i saw one of the people that would always want to follow me around. he called me someone elses name. for some reason it made me more angry than id felt in years. he walked off thinking there was no problem. i stood on the bridge for a while, just thinking to myself, and thinking back how stupid it was, i wanted to jump off and die. the only thing that stopped me at the time was thinking how i felt after my sister died. coming home afterwards i felt stupid, cried and fell asleep, then woke up and started playing a mmorpg. for the last few hours ive been thinking maybe i should just really end it all. so to anyone thats somehow managed to read this, am i stupid for thinking of killing myself when i have some positive things in my life? am i selfish for thinking of ending it, knowing how itd make my mum feel?