call me stupid, call me selfish

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TsXar, Oct 21, 2008.

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  1. TsXar

    TsXar New Member

    a little about me..

    im 23. im a student. im gay.

    this is my life...

    i sleep strange hours for 2-3 hours at a time, 2 sometimes 3 times a day. i get up when i need to go to class, i work out, i come home, and i play an mmorpg till its time to eat, sleep or go to class again. i turn down going out with people because im distrusting, i say im busy so i can work out or play a game.

    why am i like this? this will probably be a long read.

    i was bullied at school for being gay (coming out at 15 wasnt my brightest idea). for years i got taken advantage of by older guys because i was young and stupid, and felt so bitterly alone. i hid at night online playing games with people that didnt judge me for something that doesnt effect them. i hated my life.

    then university started and things changed. i wasnt an outcast, i could be myself and not end up with black eyes and nose bleeds or broken ribs. i felt like people wanted me for who i was. i was always surrounded by people that wanted to know what i was doing and wanted to come along to wherever i was going. i found a boyfriend that treated me well, and i loved my life.

    about 6 months later, i started getting headaches. they got really severe, and i stopped going out as much, and after a few weeks i found out that i had a brain tumor. in terms of severity, i was very lucky because it was benign, caught early, and i made a full recovery relatively quickly.

    i thought when i was diagnosed that id have people around me all the time still. what i found was, all the new people id met didnt care, they just wanted to know me because id somehow become the person everyone knew, that was always going out and having fun, and being seen hanging out with me was like some rediculous form of social acceptance.

    i still had my mum, my brother, my sister, a close friend, and my boyfriend, so despite the reality check of a lot of people not caring, i was still lucky to have them. i started cautiously building a life again, and was happy.

    about another 6 months later, my sister died. i had to be strong for my mum, she couldnt cope. it was a really difficult time, and i kept thinking some days the only reason i got through the day was my boyfriend. soon after he dumped me because i was too clingy.

    i felt alone again, unwanted, so i did the only thing that made me feel wanted, sleeping around with guys that only wanted my body. it took away the loneliness for a short while, but then that feeling was still there after, with a new feeling of being an easy lay that no one respected.

    eventually i turned to hiding online again, i stopped sleeping around, and found comfort in knowing theres people, albeit in an online world, that wanted to spend time with me for who i was, and not for what they can get out of me.

    now, some years later, having my heart broken by another guy, being used by guys for sex, being messed around by people online who would lie and steal, having a recurring tumor, i feel like there isnt any point anymore.

    a few months ago, i found out that my dad who walked out on us 13 years ago wanted to get in contact with me. i said no. 2 weeks after i found out he died in hospital. i still dont know how i feel about this.

    i feel lonely, and it hurts. it physically hurts. i cry myself to sleep sometimes. if i meet new people, i dont trust them, i cant trust them, both in real life and online. the lonelyness fades when i feel like im helping one of the few people i do trust. i like doing things for people, i like making them smile.

    lately i havent felt appreciated, by anyone. i do things and the lonelyness is still there. i dont want to go back to how id been before with dealing with it, i dont want to feel like a cheap slut. a rediculous thing is, i take a lot of care of how i look, i always like to dress well, without meaning to sound arrogant im good looking and work out a lot, and i like people noticing me. and you know what i hate? people noticing me in the way that i like. how stupid is that.

    ive been waking up thinking why am i even waking up, whats the point, why should i even be alive, im not living im existing.

    today i scared myself. walking over a bridge, i saw one of the people that would always want to follow me around. he called me someone elses name. for some reason it made me more angry than id felt in years. he walked off thinking there was no problem. i stood on the bridge for a while, just thinking to myself, and thinking back how stupid it was, i wanted to jump off and die. the only thing that stopped me at the time was thinking how i felt after my sister died.

    coming home afterwards i felt stupid, cried and fell asleep, then woke up and started playing a mmorpg. for the last few hours ive been thinking maybe i should just really end it all.

    so to anyone thats somehow managed to read this, am i stupid for thinking of killing myself when i have some positive things in my life? am i selfish for thinking of ending it, knowing how itd make my mum feel?
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    i got like the same life, minus the gay part. i ask myself whats the point, but in the end i just end up smoking a bowl and letting myself free. im not trying to say go get high to feel better or anything but you dont have to care so much, is what im trying to say. let go there is beauty in the breakdown
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I certainly wouldn't call you stupid. Unlucky in love, maybe? One observation - I think you over-magnify what you think others think of you. I suspect that most people think mostly of themselves, not of your health.

    I'm really sorry for you for the losses you've suffered. You've survived some truly traumatic events, in addition to being taken advantage of sexually by a number of men. They were obviously attracted to you, being a fit, handsome man. Understandable.

    I read in your words that you don't really want anonymous partners. I hope you will be able to find ways to avoid that, and will find a man who will love you and stay with you. Sleeping around isn't the way to find happiness.

    I wonder if you're suffering with PTSD. You've certainly had the traumatic experiences. It would really help you to talk with a therapist about how you're feeling. A therapist has been a huge help to me after several suicide attempts, along with other issues, going back to the reasons for my depression and suicidality. I hope you're as fortunate as I have been in finding a good therapist.

    Please do get counselling. It could save your life.

  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy


    Im pretty rubbish at this, but i didnt want to read your thread and see you pouring your heart into the online world and not getting anything back.

    Im sorry to see about your tumour. My step-dad has just been diagnosed with another tumour himself. You must know what its like, a set back, another fight, incredibly painful. You must be deeply strong to live through thatm then to contest with everything else you have had going on. I think you must be stronger than you realise.

    I dont think your stupid, or selfish. the fact you are even questioning this and thinking of your mum shows your the every opposite.

    I know everything seems rubbish now, such is the nature of the beast. Maybe you could go and see your GP or your support services at your uni? Reach out for help, you owe yourself and your mum that much.

    dont me too hard on yourself. We all do stupid things when were hurting.

    If you need a friend, anytime, PM me
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should just focus on school for now. There will be other people in your life. Once you graduate college and find a good job, you can snub your nose at those who deserted you. You will be known as an acheiver!!I'm not gay but I prefer hanging with women they are so much fun and they tell some pretty good stories. Well I use to be like that before I had my breakdown now I just isolate and talk to the friends I have made here on the forum. I have been like this for fifteen years now. What ever you do don't lock yourself away. You will loose everything you have strived for. And you will at the beginning think this isn't so bad. You don't want to isolate, I will be like this the rest of my life. I no longer know how to enteract with people in the physical world. I guess that is why I cherish the friends I have made here!!! Take Care!!~Joseph~
  6. TsXar

    TsXar New Member

    kind of feel like i should do an update after a few people replied, though i dont think anyone will be too bothered.

    the day before i posted my first message, i tried to apologise for being so distant to a few people. none of them wanted to know, which added to feeling like crap.

    yesterday i tried talking to someone else, but he was too busy to listen. i spent the whole day pretending to several people that everything was fine. this morning i was set in my head that i was going to end it all. i have access to enough chemicals at my university labs and enough knowledge from my degree to do it in what i hope would be relatively quick and easy.

    i spent the morning tidying up for some reason. i was convinced that i was going to leave at noon, go to a lab practical, somehow steal enough chemicals to do the job properly, return and die on my own. what i wasnt expecting was my friend ive known for years to randomly call me before i left. she knew something was wrong, and eventually i told her how i was really feeling.

    she ended up inviting herself over for the weekend, and has made me promise ill go to the doctors on monday morning. i ended up going to my lab practical and not taking anything. i definatly still feel like killing myself, but making a promise to someone, im going to wait and see how i feel after ive seen my gp.

    i dont know if its normal to keep updating a post, but ill post again next week and maybe someone will be able to get something positive out of this whole thing.
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