Calm and collected

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morpheus991, Feb 15, 2012.

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  1. morpheus991

    morpheus991 New Member

    So, where should I start....
    (warning: I'm pretty blunt and honest)

    Well, surprisingly, the thought of looking for a suicide forum hadn't occurred to me until today. I've been depressed for about half my life (28 now). I've felt suicidal for about 2 years this time around. I knew it was chemical at the beginning and just accepted it as a symptom of my depression. About 3 months ago things changed. I gave up. I decided that I am going to end my life in the near future. I'm just waiting for things to fall into place. I've been in therapy since about the 3rd grade (ridiculous, I know). I've sought help: tons of pills, hypnotherapy, experimental new treatments, etc. I've been happy before and I know what it's like, I just don't think it's an option anymore.
    I even have some great things going for me: I'm pretty smart, I'm a "good" person, I'm witty, I get along with almost everyone, I'm not ugly ( ;) ), I have great loving parents, etc...
    So what!
    Side note: I'm actually very shy and insicure in person despite my confident tone in this post.
    I'm missing the most important thing in life though: hope. I don't have religion to turn to and I just really think that I can't be happy again. I think it might have actually been caused my a medication I took for a couple years.
    I have no wants or aspirations, no goals, nothing. I'm just sitting around.
    The main reason I've still been around is because I know the effects my suicide will have on others. I've been methodically working on that though. I've cut out almost all interactions with my friends and family (aside from some girl in another state that I'm never going to see again. I know this will devastate my family, but I also seen the suffering I've been putting them through for years.

    I know this post is pretty choppy, disorganized, and bouncing around from one thing to another but I'm feeling pretty scattered.

    I guess I just felt obligated to post this in case I missed some magical solution. I don't want to die, I just don't feel like it's an option anymore to live. I truly hope most of you are just in a shitty place and need to vent on the path towards recovery. I wish you all the best.

    P.S. This isn't a suicide note, I'll be around for a little longer.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun have you talked to your doctor really talked there are newer meds now with less side effect they don't take away your emotions Have you tried the newer ones out there they really help hun and also have you talked about other treatments for depression ECT even I hope so hun You deserve to be happy and the more doors you open the more chance of it I hope you continue to vent h un to post as just writing things out does help some hugs
  3. morpheus991

    morpheus991 New Member

    I've been told that my psychiatrist is one of the best there is on the west coast. He's tried all sorts of new meds on me, I'm still on some actually. ECT is the only treatment I won't do. I haven't been sold on it. From what I've read it tends to be just a temporary solution (average of two years "happiness" with the successful cases) and involves a lot of hospital time. It just doesn't seem worth it, thank you though.
  4. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    It's a little scary how your situation is almost identical to mine (which is a little comforting for me I'll admit) I've been depressed since I was in elementary school, I was in therapy when I was in the 5th grade, I've been on several medications but I gave up on therapy and drugs after a couple of years because I knew almost from the start it wasn't going to fix my problem which could not be cured by an open ear or chemicals.

    I'm really at no social disadvantage, I have good looks, I'm not an idiot and do well when I apply myself and I'm a likeable guy who gets along with just about everyone, but I'm also very shy so friends are somewhat few and far inbetween. I have genuinely caring parents who want the best for me and have helped me a great deal through my life. I'm also an Atheist and have never for an instant been a religious person and now I'm starting to think I would be better off as a gullible fool who takes it seriously haha.

    I've been constantly contemplating suicide for 7 years, there have been very few days where I haven't at least once thought to myself that I should just die and it gets in the way of everything I do and kills every happy thought that might cross my mind. It starts to wear you down after awhile so I know exactly what kind of situation you're in.

    Just like you the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I care too much about how it will effect those people I leave behind, but even that wouldn't have been enough to save me if it weren't for my dog. He is the love of my life and the keeper of my soul, without him I would have been dead years ago and I will more than likely stay alive if only just for him because I can't stand the thought of how it would make him feel and what might happen to him if I'm not there to take care of him anymore.

    But recently I think I've discovered another thing that brings purpose and meaning to my life and that is taking care of people, my grandmother recently came very close to dying and it opened my eyes a little to how I should be thankful to still be alive and how much I love and want to take care of other people, so I'm moving in with her as a caretaker when she leaves rehab and I'm excited about it. I've visited her everyday at the home she's in and seeing a smile on her face when I bring Onyx in to see her makes me feel like my life is appreciated which I rarely ever feel.

    Anyway enough rambling, but I just wanted to show you how someone in a nearly identical situation can find at least 1 or 2 things to live for and be happy about, if only for another day, a week or a year it's still another day to live and maybe discover the next thing worth living for. I still have suicidal thoughts all the time but these things are at least a barrier to acting on them.

    I'm not going to be a hypocrite and tell you not to kill yourself if that's what you really want, but something good could be just around the bend and it would be a shame if you missed it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2012
  5. morpheus991

    morpheus991 New Member

    It is somewhat relieving to know that there are similar people in similar situations that have found some hope. You sound like me a few years ago though. My cat that got me through some really tough times passed away, she meant more to me than I'm willing to admit. Now I'm living alone with two cats that I love like my children...but it's different. I'm not worried about them that much, they're not super attached to me and only me. I know they'll be cared for and loved by someone I know, I think they might even be better off. I feel like something broke in me that can't be repaired... It's awful to say but I don't feel love for anyone anymore. Mentally I know that I love my parents and my sister etc. but I don't feel it anymore. It's hard to explain... I'm just not interested in anything including them... I've never shared that with anyone till now. I've always been almost excessively empathetic my whole life and now I feel like a sociopath. I wish you the best. The only advice I have for you is that I think you need to find something within yourself to help keep your life worthwhile...because unfortunately we can't soley live for others and be truly happy. Don't get me wrong, it's a great thing to have! Maybe just try and get yourself some "internal backup", if that makes any sense. Good luck.

    I'm starting to wonder if I should even be on this site, I'm kind of a downer. If I'm messing with anyone let me know and I'll stop posting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2012
  6. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    I thought you were the one looking for advice? It's nice to have the tables turned every now and then though and I appreciate your thoughts.

    I can see why you have such a hard time finding anything happy in your life, I couldn't possibly imagine losing Onyx and if I did I would be dead in a week regardless of anything else. I've had some cats too that I really loved but I can tell my love for my dog is something different than what I've had with any other animal or person. I never felt that my life utterly depended on them and they mine until Onyx.

    My relationship with my parents and siblings is pretty much the same thing, I have two brothers and a sister and while I do feel some connection to them I don't feel like it's a very strong one or that they would even really notice that I was gone for the most part as we really don't have that much interaction. I know the ones my death would effect most is my mom and grandmother and that would be about it. I wish I had a better relationship with my siblings though, but I have my dog so meh.

    I know people can't truly live to serve others, I do feel like I'm a good person and that I deserve to live and to be loved, and that gives me some small self confidence but without external support I simply wouldn't have the will or the means to live. But yes even with my wonderful dog I have had strong suicidal thoughts/urges and days or weeks at a time where I feel like doing nothing, and even times where I thought Onyx would be better off without me. So he hasn't solved all my problems but I'm glad to have him nonetheless and I know he's happy to have me and that's at least something.

    I don't know if you necessarily care but one other thing I've found that helps is just reaching out to people to try and make friends even if it's only Craigslist or something, some of the best people I've ever met came from Craigslist and a girl I've been talking to and met once before who lives out of town is coming in to spend the weekend with me. Just looking forward to small things like that I think really helps. And it's nice having a clean slate with someone who doesn't know your backround and you can just have fun with for a couple of days.
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