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Calm of the Storm...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Xalcro, Jun 28, 2007.

  1. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Man, I can feel the nausea building up...

    Well, this is just random, I'm not sure where it goes, and this is my favorite forum, so... heh.

    I just have this thing; I can't... talk. I am not good at standing up in front of others and speaking my mind, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to act, and I can feel the red building up, I just get so scared. Worried doesn't quite cut it.

    It's just everything, I can feel the blood rushing, my heart pounding hard and fast, and I can't control it. Sometimes I start crying... what the hell? It's just like... why the heck do I do this?

    Sure, it's okay amongst friends... I can pretty much not care about my image and just say whatever, however embarrassin' or whatever. But usually, to people, my image matters to me. Even with my "friends" it's like... I can't just say anything. I can't talk to anyone, can't release... I hate myself crying. I vowed to myself this morning that I would not let anything make me cry again. I'm gonna hold it in, be strong, cut myself off. Because crying sucks, just sucks. I need to overcome this. And I can't if I break down in tears every other second. Everytime I am confronted (in speech) I just don't know what to do, or say. All I can do is freaking cry, and say softly, "I don't know". That seems to be a favorite phrase of mine. Every single... anything I can think of to say, "I don't know". God, I suck. Suck, just freaking suck... pathetic.

    Damn, that was more than I meant to say...

    Bleh, just basically I have this music festival tomorrow... it's in school, and each class presents their own show or whatever. And... I'm doing this singing piece... two, actually. And I know I can get so enthusiastic before and really into it, but I know up on that stage I am going to freeze, and let everybody down. I am going to be shaking, my voice is going to suck, just like it always does. And then afterwards I am going to be crying about how bad it was. But damn, no, I am not gonna cry. But I'm not gonna be able to do it... damn, it's in front of like 90 other people, sure they're all the same age as me, people I know... which almost makes it worse. God, I don't know what to do... I'm gonna screw up. Just like always... I'm a total screw up. Screwed up my life, my school, my future career, any chance of... happiness. I. Screwed. Up. And I know I ain't ever gonna get a second shot. And you know? You'd think I've learnt my lesson, but no. I am still screwing up now. Still with that English essay, overdue but unfinished. Still with the Art project I have PREPARED but am NEVER going to get round to. Still with that music piece that I wanted to make something out of, so badly. Still with all those emails I never replied to. Still with wasting my freaking time on god knows what, when I should be doing something useful. I totally fucked up my first real GCSE. I'm gonna fail it. Just watch. Damn it!

    What can I do?... God, this turned out to reveal so much more than I'd wanted. My first real "long" post... well, the other... I should have deleted anyway...

    I am redundant. Haha, god, listen to me, I think I'm so clever. Using a fancy word - "redundant". Well, I am, I am no freaking use to anyone, I have no life, no future, no hope. I have had so many waves crashing down on me... I want to die. But no, what RIGHT do I have to claim death? It's a blessing for me. And I have NO excuse, no damned excuse to justify why I act like this. I'm just a lazy bitch. I can't talk. I can't stand up in front of others. I won't amount to anything.

    Jeez, I'm so damned proud, I think I'm sooo clever. What the hell? Just because of all that past... I'm NOTHING. God, even now, I'm wallowing in self-pity. Except this isn't self-pity. I hate myself. But I still pity myself. I know I do, I just hate admitting it. I want to STOP pitying myself. Hate... anger. That's power. Wrath to destroy, I want to destroy, myself. I want to get a knife, slice it up my throat... or the heart, even better. Gorge out the heart... bleed, bleed. So much to give... I've wondered before, what it would be like to take my eyes out. I'm already half-blind, what would the real thing be like? Just empty... I'd be even more unattractive. I hate how I look. I hate looking in the mirror. I just want to smash my reflection. I just want to cease to be, to have NEVER existed. My parents would be so much happier, with my perfect sister. And she would be able to find herself instead of falling in my shadow and copying my every move. My friends would be happier, without me pulling them down with all the crap I pull. All those fancy stunts. Everyone would be happier had they not met me. You would be happier...

    I've said too much. I just want to clear up, sometimes I get... angry, or just, in one of those moods. Sometimes I don't mean everything I say, just the layer of rage speaking for me. But sometimes I would be talking straight from my heart... God, I don't know what this last post is, was. I don't even know myself, I don't know if I'm speaking out of anger or if this really is me...

    Don't give me that... you know everytime I say "I love you", that much is from the heart. That I know. That's the only piece I can salvage from myself. That I love you, endearingly, forever and always. You're all I have.

    And now...

    I don't know... I don't know where we are anymore. I feel like I should die, that I should leave you in peace. I feel like... you want me gone. I want to die... I don't want to die. So many things... If I die... I had goals. Sorta... I have no ambition, but I had goals. Small, just... if I die... I won't ever be able to complete GS2, never find out the ending. I won't ever write that story that I was supposed to... WE won't be able to finish OUR story. I'll never be able to learn that Japanese, I'll never master my still new guitar. I'll never be able to look into your, amazing, amazing eyes, and say, "I love you..."

    Too many "I"s. I wonder if anyone will miss me? You told me once... I'm not sure anymore. Don't know anything anymore. I keep telling myself these stupid, stupid things. I have to keep living. For all those reason above. Have to keep living for my sister, my family, my cat, my so-called friends, my work, my art, my roof that would probably never have another person to climb onto it, my school's roof for the same reason, my tree, my strays outside... ... ...

    But... for what? How many people really would miss me, were I to die?...

    I don't want to answer that question. Whatever the answer is, it will hurt. If no-one, I might as well die. If one, such a lonely number, but two's a company... three... I doubt I will get three... three's a crowd... any more... no, no, no, NO! Damn it.

    The better half of you guys on here don't even know me. I've exchanged like, a few 5-minute conversations with about five of you. Why would you care what happens to me? I am a piece of virtual crap in cyberspace. I might even be just fooling all of you. Why should ANY of you give a damn about me?

    I don't know what those hugs are supposed to mean. They're not real. I don't want hugs. Just half a dozen of stupid yellow balls wrapping their arms round each other and everything's SOLVED? Why? Even if it were literal, why would one hug cure... but damn, it would, wouldn't it? One hug would mean the world to me. My mom's tried to hug me, just to be affectionate, but I brush her off every time. EVERY TIME. God, I feel like a bitch. I feel so bad for her, so guilty. Everytime I hear her coughing, see her walking out the house, driving away, I feel it rising, I'm sorry, so sorry.

    I've failed you. I've failed everyone. And mostly you... Forgive me. I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I always just... god, there is no way I can ever make this up to you. All the times you bled, for those lies, for my incompetence and unreliability... for the times, I... stood you up. God... no, I hate saying that... it wasn't like that... please, I love you, I love you, I love you... I don't want to hurt you anymore...

    I'm sorry... sorry to everyone here, I didn't mean anything. I'm sorry to you, because... you're my life... and for all... god, I just won't remind you, me, either of us. I'm sorry to my mom, I hope she gets better soon, I hope I am a better person for her, for everyone... I'm sorry to my friends, for letting them down... and... I'm sorry to my dad. No reason.

    I really have said too much... but oh well. Here is me, summed up in a tiny 10-paragraph post, or whatever, I haven't counted.

    Did you ever see my thread in Room to Vent? They're for you... all it is is a chain of songs, whatever my mood is... I never wanted you to find out all I was thinking, I saw no easy way to tell you, but I had so much I wanted to say. So, there's my song thread... I want you to listen to those songs, OUR songs, and read the lyrics that I typed, while I was listening to them as well. So many hundreds we have... they describe us so well, telling a story. Listen to them, okay? Listen to our story...

    Take care... until I see you again...

    And to all who took the time to read my babbling, thank you.

    And yet another storm has passed...
  2. junkie

    junkie Guest

    I like your writing.
  3. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Into My Little Hell-hole

    Just another one of my crazy ramblings... I'm not expecting anyone to reply. It's just food for thought I guess. I don't think you should even bother reading, it's long and boring. Possibly triggering as well, so... just another waste of time and space. Best to turn away now. Bleh, having said that I should probably place this in the Room to Vent. But I'm not venting, it's just... I don't know. I'm an attention-seeking freak. But don't read. Heh.

    Into my little hell-hole again...

    Except it's not really a hell-hole. It's my room. I don't even know why I thought/said that. I like my room. It's spacious and everything. Space to do whatever I want. And it's plain. Offers a sanctuary to the stupid generic outside world.

    But then again, it's my pain as well. My sanctuary, but my release, my past lies, empty, my sorrow, my agony. In this freaking room. I cried at that spot. Cut myself over there. Lied and lied and lied, in this very place.

    I wish I could escape it all. But don't we all? Don't we all just wish... for a peace. Forget everything that's passed, all our mistakes. Of course the best would be just to start anew. But that's impossible. There is no such thing, just... trying to forget your past. And that is impossible. Well, apart from amnesia or whatever, but I'm not trying to be stupid.

    I don't even know what I'm on about. I don't even have a reason to be like this. Depression... heh, I just think to myself alot. You know, it's... really sad. Nobody outside can understand us.

    There was this random girl... me and these people (loathing to call them friends) were eating a lunch/dinner type thing at this random Italian restaurant. And this girl (she's a freak, excuse me for saying, but just let me establish that first)... we were just shooting the breeze, talking a little before the food arrived, and she says, "Has anyone ever cut themselves before?"

    Just that one statement... question, whatever. It just totally threw me... I was panicking, did she know something? What the hell was she on about? And I get five other blank faces in semi-shock at what she said. These five others were perfectly normal people, just your average stereotypical students from whatever school, with these warped views on how all cutters are soaked in emo-ness. And you just get... this silence, round the table. And then that girl goes on to say, "Well yeah, basically, I used to cut myself in year 6, just to see? But you know, I can laugh about it now." My god, how the hell can you say that? Seriously, if she used to cut, she would know what it's like - she can laugh about it now? What the hell are you on? You just don't...

    It really pissed me off, but man, I'm a "normal" person, right? I can't show anything. Damn it, I wanted to hurt her... it's like, you just don't do that. People who are depressed... it is NOTHING to laugh about.

    I guess at the time... well, just slowly like regained round the table, people like started talking a bit again, and one of the other girls said like, "Yeah, just don't do any of that stuff around me, because I can't stand blood." and they were laughing about it, like it was some freaking joke. What the hell? I don't remember what I did. Just sort of blanked myself out until the conversation switched topic. I can't stand things like that, seriously. Just people, with these screwed up, twisted views on cutters, and "emos", people who are depressed, who have problems, who need help... I hate them, god, hate them all... those who are just so normal, and just get on with their own little lives. They don't recognize anything.

    One of my so-called friends, I guess you can say we're pretty close, at least, as close as like, you can get to me from some arm's length distance. She's one of the two people who remain unblocked on my MSN list. And, you know? We have a few of these talks, and like, just talk about some more serious stuff, love, relationships, religion... heh, well, most of the conversation originates from one thing, but I'm not going into that now. And then just this one time, she was saying how like tired or whatever she was, and going on and on... and I just said, "you sound depressed". Not like, a serious thing, like she was a depressed person, I just meant like she sounded down, sad, whatever. And then she gets all serious and stuff... "I'm not depressed" "I used to have depressed friends" "I know what depression is like".

    God, I almost laughed at that. She talks to me like, almost every day, she doesn't realize I have issues? Does she *really* know what depression is like? I really, seriously doubt it.

    I just... I get so mad with these people who think they know something, who really think... I don't know, whatever. And they're really nothing at all. Who could understand? You're either in this void or not... you can't stand at the edge and say you know what it's like to be falling down, down... and keep drowning in this dark oblivion. You can't. And it's those idiots that freaking piss me off when they try to act like they're so... bleh, I've lost the steam...

    I'm probably being... this ironic hypocrite. Maybe I'm not even depressed... I don't think I should be. My family's pretty normal... I have a mother, father and sister. My mom and dad fight, and my dad sorta hates my mom, but it's like, they're not divorced or anything, so I don't have a reason to be mentally scarred from that. My sister and I sort of get along, we just don't really talk that much. So... that's just my, almost normal, family. They're not perfect, but I can't say that it would have liked affected my being a person in any way.

    I think I love them. I'm not sure. Like, I've always sort of... had, them. I feel sorry for my mom from the way my dad treats her. But my dad has his own poison too... he's lonely. And I remember those times when we were climbing in the mountains, and how happy he was then. I wish everyone would just show their best side, instead of always yelling at each other. But my mom and my dad are just too different. So this is how it is. No divorce, no scarring, but not a happy family.

    I don't mind my family. But I could live without them. I just don't know.

    My school career... I used to be somewhat of a "perfect" student. Straight A's and all that crap. I sort of hated it, because I was an arrogant bitch, soaked in pride. That was half of my parents' work, they think they're so clever, and pushed me to think I am so clever. I'm not. I'm totally dense, can't tell right from wrong, don't know a damn thing. But I used to think I did. Used to be so freaking big-headed.

    School kinda sucked too, I never had any friends, and call me stupidly naive or whatever, but I didn't know why either. But now I know; I was violent as a kid, and so big on myself, teacher's pet, and wanting attention... what a screwed up combination, no wonder the other kids never wanted to hang out with me. They just wanted friends to have a good time, and I just wanted to prove I was the best. Lame, lame, lame...

    I hate the school I'm at now... it's like a "grammar" school, one of those really hard-on education type schools, and everyone's supposed to be smart. And there's all this competition going on. I'm flunking. I never do any of my work. Screwing up, big-time. Does that have to do with my... being me?

    It's strange... huh. Like most of the people I know, in school, who have a hard time doing all the work on time, are... somehow depressed. But I don't say that in a way that I feel sorry for them. One is that girl, Rajal. She barely does any work, always late, a tiny bit more prompt than I am. I don't think she's depressed now, but she doesn't have many friends. And she used to cut, so... but she seems to have mounted a certain hate for people. And she is competitive as well. Just another damned bonus for getting into this school of pride.

    Then there's... Sarah. I used to think she was like me. She was sad, often, and really like, wanting to be noticed by her friend. But she has that air as well, because everytime I talk to her, she thinks she's so much better than me, I just feel it. She even thinks that she knows more than me, about... well, depression, us. She was trying to "help" me. That really made me laugh. We stopped talking after that, I blocked her and haven't really spoken to her since.

    Here, me and Chazzie are just talking. Let me copy our convo... (Chaz is the girl I mentioned earlier, the one "close" friend.)

    lolly says (7:07 PM):
    blargh poo:D
    Caz says (7:09 PM):
    Caz says (7:09 PM):
    Caz says (7:09 PM):
    interesting :p
    Caz says (7:09 PM):
    what're ya up to?
    lolly says (7:10 PM):
    lolly says (7:10 PM):
    Caz says (7:19 PM):
    aww, are you okay?
    lolly says (7:19 PM):
    lolly says (7:19 PM):
    byut i know what will cheer me up
    lolly says (7:19 PM):
    (I)(I)(I) a hug(I)(I)(I)
    Caz says (7:20 PM):
    Caz says (7:20 PM):
    Caz says (7:20 PM):
    I squished you

    (Uh, by the way, those shortcuts are all MSN emotes. On my MSN my : hug: emote is one of this little pink ball hugging and squishing this little blue ball. Hence, the "I squished you".)

    I don't sound very depressed, do I?

    Sometimes I think... I don't have a right to this. I don't have a right to be here. I'm not in trouble. No matter how many times I feel like it, I won't kill myself. I have something to live for. But I'm still stuck in the gutter. I'm flunking school, pushing further and further away from my family, from my friends. I have no aims in life, I'm not doing ANYTHING that has any sort of point. I go to school, ditch occasionally. I do no work. I have no idea what I am going to do in the future. And I am going to flunk my GCSE's. I'm still in year 10, so I still have... well, like half a year to pick myself up and get down, and do something. But I don't think I can...

    I only have my love to hold on to... and... I don't know where we are now. I don't know where I am anymore...

    I bought a guitar, well, my mom got me a guitar... she's really nice... a nice person... but of course with her lapses as well. But yeah, I'd been going on about it alot... thought it would be awesome if I'd learnt to play. But it's been six months, and it's just been on the stand in my room collecting dust. I need to start practicing, NEED to. I need to have an aim...

    One phase type thing I wanted to learn Japanese as well. Though that's gonna take a hell lot longer. But maybe I'll start through this summer. Maybe, just maybe...

    Who the hell am I kidding? I'm not gonna do anything. Just gonna lounge every day past. Just gonna screw up, again, again, and again. More tears, more lies. Just want to scream sometimes.

    I've only cut twice, in my life. How lame is that? I can't anymore. I'm a coward. I think I'm just using that promise as an excuse. Or maybe I'm too clear-headed, I think ahead to the consequences before I act. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Just need to feel pain. Need to die.

    Hah, I'm just exaggerating again, aren't I? I'm not gonna kill myself... to weak...

    Lol. Look what Chaz just said.

    lolly says (7:21 PM):
    *is dying*
    lolly says (7:21 PM):
    lolly says (7:22 PM):
    oh look
    lolly says (7:22 PM):
    there really is a whale
    lolly says (7:22 PM):
    lolly says (7:22 PM):
    (what sounds do whales make?)

    It's just those comments that KILL me. You don't use a word like die, death, bleed, you can't say those, light-heartedly. It's not a freaking joke! It's serious. Life and death. There's no going back. God, I HATE people.

    But why? I can't hate them. They're just being themselves. They're the lucky ones. It's just me. I know it's just me. I'm lame, sore, beat-up, weak, and just stupid, stupid... I'm worthless. Nobody gives a damn. Nobody every should. I don't DO anything. God, I suck, I suck so much. Haha, no-one's even read up to here. I'm just talking to myself.

    Oh, I love this. I'm living a half life. No goals, no aims, no meaning whatsoever. No one to talk to. No one to blame. No one to lie to. I'm standing here alone. I am a gay, screwed up, piece of shit. But I can't even hurt myself for it.

    I'm sorry... forget this, I got carried away. I really, don't even mean half of it... just believe that. Thanks for staying... thank you... please, please... you promised me you'd stay, and protect me forever... but I just... can't... feel...

    I need your warmth... I need your courage, your strength. I need your words to make me feel like something... I need your heart to convince me... to believe... I need you...

    Your breath, your touch, your pure existence, gives me the will to carry on. Please, don't ever leave me... please... I'm too damned weak...

    Need to fly with you... somewhere safe, somewhere eternal. Our sanctuary. Ours, you, and me... escape the haunted world of people, and enjoy our miracles...

    It's just a dream...

    I know it's not possible... but you will still be here... right?...

    My Desiring Protector... Lift me up again...