Calm

I am honestly sick of trying to be something and someone I'm not. I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of clawing my way up only to be knocked down again. I'm a failure. I can see the train tracks from my window and I can imagine laying across them waiting for the end. It's not a scary thought at all. It makes me smile.

 

Hello Jenova!

I understand what you´re feeling... i have the same thougths when i´m down. Unfortunately that´s most of the time.

I think that we can´t wait for the others to heal our wounds, take away our fears and save us. Who will save us from ourselves?
You have to be your best friend.
It all begins from the inside. We have to find happiness on the inside. Because we can´t give what we don´t have.

I know it´s easy to talk and so hard to do it... I ask myself why doesn´t my body follows my rational side? But I lose control and my demons take over.

take care,
Maria

 

You sound like someone on the very pinnacle of self discovery but unfortunately the insiduous depression has set in and like MariaM said the demons are coming out of the woodwork telling you that you are not worth the struggle to keep carrying on.

Reaching the point where you are sick of pretending to be someone youre not is just the beginning though to greater things, it's no easy task though, you have to learn how to like yourself in some respect, find some measure of peace where you can retreat to and calm yourself when the world gets too much. Hobbies help, some find comfort in their spiritual side as it seems a natural progression, everyone is different. We are all born with weaknesses .. things we find hard to cope with but we are normally born with strengths too, sometimes a little inner peace is just knowing how to shore up your weaknesses and live to your strengths, friends can help greatly, as different people have different skills and points of views. If you need a friend I'm about

 

By pretending, I don't mean I'm a fake person. I just put on a happy face even when I'm dying inside. I'm not a shy person and in general what you see is what you get. The only problem I have is opening up, I can't get help because I can't ask. I've gone to the doctor, sat in the office and just couldn't say the words. I'm ashamed. I can't talk about how I feel I just pretend it's ok or I get angry because it's the only way I know how to deal. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of pretending I'm ok and I'm tired of fighting for every little thing. I can't remember a time when I was happy, when things were easier. If I didn't have children I wouldn't be here now. The thought of them going to my ex husband is the only thing that keeps me here. I'm not afraid of death, I welcome it. I'm sick of living and even if death is nothingness I could care less. At least I won't be in pain anymore. It won't matter then.

 

It's a nobel thing to carry on for the sake of your children, just because you have problems opening up to drs maybe posting here is a good start, get clear in your own mind what's going on by relating your experiences and getting feedback from people who can understand how you feel. A therapist would be a good next step if one is free or you have the funds to afford one, you wouldnt be on the stopwatch to blurt out your problems to a dr that probably is very busy.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling. Please continue to reach out for help as you have done here. There comes a point when we feel we can no longer hide everything we are feeling. Masking becomes more difficult all the time. Know that you are not alone in this. We are here with you, for you. Reach out and accept our hands as we help to lift you up. Your death would matter. When we feel like this, we convince ourselves that it doesn't matter. That no one would miss us, no one would care. But in reality, there is a large void left that cannot be fiiled by anyone other than you. As Robin suggested, try to find a counselor or someone you can talk with. Exhaust all options. PM me if you need someone to talk with. If you can feel comfortable doing so. I will get back with you as soon as I can.