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Penguin astronaut extraordinaire
woke up n everythign was fine. boy friend being nice for once, the love of my life was all ok (ps me n my bf aint working, waitin til i have my own place to leave... n the love of my life is someone from here. hes very special to me xx) so everythign seemed to b fine. but then someone who is meant to b a close friend of mine decides to piss my best friend about which in turn pisses me about which, obviously gets me anoyed... so i just do some painting... relax... n it works. i feel calm. and everything is ok. but then i start catchin myself thinking about death.... i feel at ease and so calm and relaxed i could fall asleep. yet i just want to end it. im not upset, no tears no nothing. its just like a fact. its just going o happen and thats it. but i dont want to go alone. i want someone to come with me. but not just anyone. someone special. someone close to me. the only bit of me tht may seem upset is just so buried i cnt hear its muffles. but i know what its screaming, even if i cant hear it. its telling me not to take anyone, theres no point in hurting someone else as well as myself. but im scared to go alone. i dont want to just go..... im scareing myself slightly if im honest. never felt like this before.... almost like somethign has snapped, i dont want to live, i dont want to die alone. im not panicing or scared.... im just calm. to be honest id feel better if i was in blind panic. i dont want to cut... no urges for tht. i just want to be gone. no point of making more pain for myself when i feel this much...... just thought maybe writing this could help..... you never know eh?
peace xx i like it x
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