Calmly accepting my fate, which isn't right? Is it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shnapple, Jun 23, 2012.

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  1. Shnapple

    Shnapple New Member

    I'm not going to kill myself tonight. Probably not this week, or this month. Maybe not next month, or the month after. Although who knows. But at this point in my life, I'm fairly certain I'll be done with this all within the next 365. I've accepted the fact that I'm 22, and may not see 23, and moreover that I'll be hard pressed to see 25 if not 24. I'm prepared to drag myself, tooth and nail, through the next year to see if I can break off a miracle, but I don't foresee one of those.

    What makes me feel painfully guilty, is that I'm not sitting here crying, lamenting some great plight of my life or mistreatment at the hands of another. It's just as simple as that I don't remember being happy, so much so that I'm not sure I'd recognize it. I feel like I've been dead for so very long, that it's really just paper work at this point. I suspect that if not for some very faint glimmer of naivete and hope that things will turn around for me, I'd wash my hands of all of this right this second.

    Hell, today I had a super "positive" experience. A bunch of friends came over to work out with me, and complimented me about a handful of things, and it was really "fun" and kind of nice. And then they left. And instead of thinking, "geeze, maybe there's something here worth sticking around for", all I could think was "well, that would've been a nice note to leave on". That's how set in stone my departure seems to be, to me.

    What's been solidifying these feelings for me lately was the fact that no one notices. I have family, and I have friends. And I feel like sometimes, when I decide to "try to get help", it's like I'm screaming at them to do something, and my cries are falling on deaf ears. I haven't outwardly just said, "hey, I'm messed up, can you help me please?" or anything nearly so forward (mostly). But some of my behavior lately, I thought would stand out enough for someone to say something. For example, last night, I sent five or six text messages to this old friend of mine, and she didn't respond to so much as one (I assume she was asleep, as it was pretty late). These weren't blatant cries for help, but they were messages out of my norm. And you know what? Today, instead of asking me if I was alright or what was going on with me, she told me about her day and how she was doing. Then, as if as an afterthought, asks me "what's up". These people around me know me so poorly that they can't recognize how off I am? I just can't seem to get my head around that, and it just makes me more eager to leave.

    I'm sorry if you've read this long, because I know I'm just kind of ranting and don't even really have a question. Mostly just throwing this out there in the hopes of getting some magically comforting words or advice, or anything, or more likely nothing. Besides, if I'm going to aimlessly bitch, I may as well do it anonymously on the internet, right?

    [[Mods: Not sure if this is better suited in another section. If it is, I'm sorry, and you're welcome to move it.]]
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Just venting it can help.

    The people in your life can't really know you because you've never really let them see that side of you from what I read in my opinion.

    Have you talked to your doctor? You can go to the GP and say you have been feeling down and you can get a referral to a psych that can help you get to the bottom of the things.

    At least, that is what I would do in your situation.
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