Calmly Suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blackbirdfly, May 21, 2013.

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  1. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    Things (in my head, life, world, etc.) have been really weird lately. Usually, I'm suicidal when something happens, or I'm angry, or depressed, anxious, etc.

    But lately, I don't feel that bad. I'm not feeling manic. I'm not feeling depressed. I'm not anxious. I'm not worried. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I feel calm.

    The thing is that "calm" feeling is really just me beginning to accept my fate: I'm going to kill myself. It's one of the first relaxing, happy, and carefree thought I've had in my life.

    I'm just tired of constantly looking for things to justify why I should be alive -- I look all day long. I don't need to stress myself out anymore, I can be calm just letting go and realizing I'm going to do it. It's a major relief for me.
     
  2. bestthingsinlife

    bestthingsinlife New Member

    I'm glad you've got a feeling of calm by having made your decision. I've felt that way before - once you got that resolution there's no agonising about it, only planning, and it's a relief because it's a way out. But could you postpone the act for just a while? Hold on to those calm thoughts but just wait a while - you might as well.
     
  3. ~Solace~

    ~Solace~ New Member

    I agonized for over a decade trying to find a reason to keep going. It has only been these last few weeks that the calm has come over me as you describe. All I can say is I wish you the best.
     
  4. Your thread made me feel relaxed and calmed me a little bit, I've felt the same way sometimes but I always let grow irrational, dumb hope inside of me and believe what people tell me even if the always end up betraying me.

    You freaking inspired me OP.

    F*ck it OP, I think your thread changed me.


    Thanks, oh many many thanks.
     
  5. thekindlove

    thekindlove Member


    i also know what your saying blackbird. though i am not religious i do have an inate spiritual understanding that i can not deny. i have had many brushes with death that werent suicide attempts and also by one very serious attempt. that 'calm' feeling you describe is the peace and love of whatever is out there letting you know that whatever you decide to do you are loved and will be taken to the other side with rest. im not saying 'god' wants you to die....from my experiences with what i have been thru we all have the right to self determination over our physical lives and the choices that we make in our lives whether they produce positive ripple effects in the web of life or negative ones. i do believe that committing suicide will produce negative effects for other ppl that have been in touch with our lives and while i am not sure what the consequences of that are in the afterlife i do know that cutting my life short is against my life plan. i dont believe that ppl who kill themselves go to hell but to a special place of rest and healing.....however perhaps what we can accomplish if we push thru the tragedy of our sadness and feeling suicidal is a tragedy no matter what causes it....perhaps when we decide to save our lives and not die we affect change for a greater good. that 'calm' feeling comes to me often especially when i am suicidal ....to me it is a feeling of someone or something that has deep awareness of my pain and is listening intently and with so much love that no matter what i do i will be cared for.........usually.....something will happen in my depths of despair....a phone call...a thought...that will change my mind from wanting to pull the trigger to deciding to wait another day. i dont believe that is coincidence...i believe that is the 'calm' of a loving something out there that cares deeply for me...for you...and for every other suffering soul.

    i hope that you decide not to end your life.....but i know that the 'calm' and peaceful feeling will always be with you and follow you whatever you decide.
     
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