Can’t go on

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#1
I’ve fuc’d up my kids lives and can’t pretend that I can make it better any longer. I’ve lived with my head in the sand till this year when I’ve realised from them just how badly I got it wrong. I AM SO SORRY
 

Sunspots

Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Hey @Winter Blues

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and there's no instruction manual. We all get things wrong sometimes but that doesn't make us bad parents.

You love your kids, right? How old are they, I can't remember? Are you on speaking terms? Do they blame you for something? I'm sorry, probably too many questions. But I'm here to talk if you want to.

Lu x
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#3
Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and there's no instruction manual. We all get things wrong sometimes but that doesn't make us bad parents.
I totally agree with Lulabelle. You're a wonderful person - I can see it from your posts. There will come a time when you will gather together and talk about it, and they'll understand. Life's not easy. We do the best we can.
 
#4
Thank you so much Alwayswrong but I truly wonder how many of the simply wonderful people on this site would be in a better, safe and more peaceful place if their childhood had been different. How much of their shit has been caused by parents like me. We have so much to answer for and it’s reading stories on here of young adults suffering that makes me realise just how much my kids have suffered, not physically but mentally, because of me. You are all truly truly the best people ever xx
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#5
As you know, I've got Asperger's. So I'm not good at FAKING. I really see you're a wonderful person. You told us you feel you've ruined your children's life because you were paying attention to yourself trying to get well. What else could you have done?!!! You did the right thing.
What you said about so many stories here of parents ruining their children's lives is true. But, as you can see, not all of them did it on purpose. Sometimes we act thinking we' re doing what's best for the ones we love because we make our decisions with the info we have at that moment and in the circumstances we're living. There's a saying in Argentina: "it's so easy to judge with the info of today's paper". Be kind to yourself the way you would understand somebody else in your situation. As I said before. You know life's not easy and we do the best we kind. Huge hug!
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#6
@Winter Blues I’ve been seeing you support people all over this forum and thinking you must be a really nice person. I doubt you’ve f***ed up your kids’ lives.

I was a raging alcoholic for half my daughter’s life -- she’s 16 now and doing great.
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#7
You do not at all seem like someone who permanently harms their kid's mental wellbeing. I say this from experience as a person whose mental wellbeing was permanently messed up by my parents. I could share the story of how I got kicked out and it would give you a much much much gentler perspective of yourself, but I don't want to derail your thread. My point is that making your own mental health your highest priority as a mother is just not the sort of thing that ruins the mind of one's children.
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#8
I don't necessarily want to argue your parenting. I don't think anyone is going to change your mind at this point in time as you really seem to be on a kick about it right now BUT here's another view point. Let's say you actually were a shitty parent, which is still up for discussion, but whatever... what're you gonna do? Kill yourself over it? Is that going to make it better for them? No, you're going to fuck those kids up more than they are now. So get it together and amend the relationships you're having with the kids now rather than beating yourself up over what may or may not be. Children need their parents, whether they are 2 years old or 22 or 62. Those relationships change over time and sometimes kids don't think they need the parents and go for periods without talking to them much, like when they're trying to get their feet off the ground in their 20's.

I don't know how old your kids are but they need their mom. And they will in the future too, even if they're acting like shits right now.

Furthermore, my mother killed herself when I was 25. That was more than 15 years ago now and believe me, I wasn't at a great age. I didn't call. I didn't show up at her house. But in retrospect I couldn't used some more mom time. She missed a lot of stuff. She missed my nephew being born, she missed graduations, she missed me getting married... I could go on but the point is I wasn't done with my mom even though I was an asshole. And your kids aren't done with you even though they may be assholes or you may have been in the past. Move on. It's time to stop beating yourself up over the past.

P.S. Understand that I mean all this in the best way. You know I dig you. ((hugs))
 
#9
As you know, I've got Asperger's. So I'm not good at FAKING. I really see you're a wonderful person. You told us you feel you've ruined your children's life because you were paying attention to yourself trying to get well. What else could you have done?!!! You did the right thing.
What you said about so many stories here of parents ruining their children's lives is true. But, as you can see, not all of them did it on purpose. Sometimes we act thinking we' re doing what's best for the ones we love because we make our decisions with the info we have at that moment and in the circumstances we're living. There's a saying in Argentina: "it's so easy to judge with the info of today's paper". Be kind to yourself the way you would understand somebody else in your situation. As I said before. You know life's not easy and we do the best we kind. Huge hug!
Thank you Alwayswrong, I truly loved the Argentinian saying. I follow some of your posts and am always in awe how supportive you are .. as is SF as a whole. It’s just sometimes reading about other people’s incredible pain for whatever reason, leaves me feeling hugely guilty. I had choices and I made wrong ones. Having said that I know I can’t change the past and need to find a way to better their futures. Thank you again .. I had a momentary melt down. Love to you x
 
#10
@Winter Blues I’ve been seeing you support people all over this forum and thinking you must be a really nice person. I doubt you’ve f***ed up your kids’ lives.

I was a raging alcoholic for half my daughter’s life -- she’s 16 now and doing great.
Thank you so much Gypsylee. You support so many people on this site and always seem to find the right words. I am so glad to have “met” you. I had a melt down and feel embarrassed with a hangover too. Hugs xx
 
#11
You do not at all seem like someone who permanently harms their kid's mental wellbeing. I say this from experience as a person whose mental wellbeing was permanently messed up by my parents. I could share the story of how I got kicked out and it would give you a much much much gentler perspective of yourself, but I don't want to derail your thread. My point is that making your own mental health your highest priority as a mother is just not the sort of thing that ruins the mind of one's children.
Thank you hugely Paisley. Your parents should be so so proud of you. You care so much about others and while I don’t know your history, you support others whilst shouldering a back story that hurts and I guess will never go away but hopefully fade. I got drunk, something I never do, and just wallowed in my sadness. I’ve a hangover but today willl be better because of people on SF xx
 
#12
I don't necessarily want to argue your parenting. I don't think anyone is going to change your mind at this point in time as you really seem to be on a kick about it right now BUT here's another view point. Let's say you actually were a shitty parent, which is still up for discussion, but whatever... what're you gonna do? Kill yourself over it? Is that going to make it better for them? No, you're going to fuck those kids up more than they are now. So get it together and amend the relationships you're having with the kids now rather than beating yourself up over what may or may not be. Children need their parents, whether they are 2 years old or 22 or 62. Those relationships change over time and sometimes kids don't think they need the parents and go for periods without talking to them much, like when they're trying to get their feet off the ground in their 20's.

I don't know how old your kids are but they need their mom. And they will in the future too, even if they're acting like shits right now.

Furthermore, my mother killed herself when I was 25. That was more than 15 years ago now and believe me, I wasn't at a great age. I didn't call. I didn't show up at her house. But in retrospect I couldn't used some more mom time. She missed a lot of stuff. She missed my nephew being born, she missed graduations, she missed me getting married... I could go on but the point is I wasn't done with my mom even though I was an asshole. And your kids aren't done with you even though they may be assholes or you may have been in the past. Move on. It's time to stop beating yourself up over the past.

P.S. Understand that I mean all this in the best way. You know I dig you. ((hugs))
Hi Walkerbait, thank you so much. I’ve read your response so many times already and .. like all your posts .. I truly love the directness. I am so sorry and sad to hear about your mum. Whatever age we lose our parents it’s not easy but at 25 that must have been really tough. If only someone could right an Idiots Guide for mums but having said that I read all those shitty How to do ..... books about babies and none of it worked! I made bad choices years ago - bad relationships that affected me mentally and I let that affect my children. I just worry that their problems now are because their formative years were not all family cosy. They are adults now and I think sometimes I look to protect them as still youngsters. I need to find the courage to tell them how I felt and for them to do the same. I’m waffling .... I’ve got a shitty hangover self inflicted (heading down the bottle bank with the evidence). Just thank you again - keep on being you - you’re great .. and I love the new picture. Xxx
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#16
You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. We are here for you. Always. I don't know much of your story right off the bat but you are here helping others every day and that makes you a compassionate and giving person. You're amazing. Keep on being you. SF would not be the same without you.
 
#17
Winter, did you attempt to speak to your kids about how you feel? If so, what happened?
Hi Asphyxiate, I’ve skirted the issue but face to face I’m not good at communication. It comes from being put down so often from my father and then my husband that I tend to live life looking at the floor rather than into someone’s eyes. I love them to bits and would do anything I could to help without question but because I grew up in a cold household I have not been good at telling them ... it’s something I intend to work on big time. I am very proud of them they know that but hugging and shows of affection are difficult for me. X
 
#18
You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. We are here for you. Always. I don't know much of your story right off the bat but you are here helping others every day and that makes you a compassionate and giving person. You're amazing. Keep on being you. SF would not be the same without you.
Thank you petal, you have always been there xx
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#19
Hey,
I don't know you personally but you always cared for me as far as I see. Always try to change the mindset I am stuck. I don't believe you are too bad at parenting. But even if you are, there is always a chance to change the attitude right? And all parents do bad things that they want to undo in their lives. It is not a relief , still being so hard on yourself will just harm you and your relationship with them.
I love you. I hope it will be better for you and them...
<3
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#20
Hi Asphyxiate, I’ve skirted the issue but face to face I’m not good at communication. It comes from being put down so often from my father and then my husband that I tend to live life looking at the floor rather than into someone’s eyes. I love them to bits and would do anything I could to help without question but because I grew up in a cold household I have not been good at telling them ... it’s something I intend to work on big time. I am very proud of them they know that but hugging and shows of affection are difficult for me. X
It doesn't mean that you are bad at parenting. It just means you cannot express your feelings in a physical way. And we all have similar things I think. That's the reason why we are all here. Alienation....doesn't mean you are bad.
You are so sweet...
 
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