can an abuser ever change?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Just_visiting, Apr 5, 2007.

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  1. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    This is something i have been thinking about alot recently. Do you think its possible for an abuser to change so that they dont abuse anymore? What do u think would make them change? I mean people always say victims of abuse should get therapy and things but wat about the abuser, would therapy help them change? How would u know if they had honestly changed or not?

    I am asking this because my babies dad abused me and he wants to b involved in the babies life, at the moment i am saying any contact he wud have wud hav to b 100% supervised because i dont trust him. But do u think if he had therapy or sumat then he mite change?

    I would b grateful for any opinions.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    What kind of abuse are we talking about here?
    Physical abusers can change with therapy and help, usually it is learnt behaviour from their own childhoods.
    Sexual abusers are another kettle of fish and usually unable or unwilling to change.
    Hope that helps and good for you for digging in your heels to protect your baby.
  3. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    It was sexual abuse. The dad always claims he wud never do anything to hurt the baby but he said the same about me, so i cant trust him. In all honesty i doubt even if he did therapy or something and a proffesional told me he was no risk i dont think i wud b able to trust him near the baby. But then again he does have psychological problems so maybe if they were cured he wudnt feel the need to abuse someone. I dont no, mainly i want to do the best for my baby but i dont no wat that is. Is denying him a relationship wth his father the right thing.

    Extra: Ofcourse this all depends if he was willing to do therapy which i doubt anyway.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2007
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh Lonely what a decision to have to make:eek:hmy:
    Can fully understand your dilemma with this one. BUT!! if you think there is even the slightest chance he would do anything to your child then I would say better the child never know his/her father than take the risk.
    Any one who has suffered child abuse will tell you it is a burden you carry for the rest of your life. It cause an inability to trust anyone, self loathing, fear and anger.
    Better to be unfair to the father than risk the child. :sad:
  5. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Yes u r right, thank you for ur thoughts. The child will always be the most important thing and, as his mother, i have to protect him as much as i can.
    Thanks again, any other thoughts from anyone wud b apreciated :smile:
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hun as a child I was sexually abused by my step father and other people. And I have read many things about these offenders and they say that pedaphiles don't change, that they still think about it and 90 something % are known to do it again, and those are the documented %'s. I don't beleive they change, they are like sociopath's, they aren't incapabale of learning empathy or sympathy or caring of others. They say sex offenders deep down beleive there is nothing wrong with doing that, and they obess over violating people..... I have been around lots of sex offenders, and none of them did it just once.

    I am sorry to hear of what's happend to you. :hug: If you ever need to talk one abuse surviver to another don't hesitate to contact me. :hug:
  7. jupiter202

    jupiter202 Well-Known Member

    I just want to say that I think you are a great mother to question this and have such concern for your can see that you put your baby first and thats so amazing. Unfortunately, I know of women who would just blindly go back into this just to have a father figure for their child....stories like that...its sad really...

    As said before, if you have ANY doubts about this guy, your child is waaay better off being fatherless than to have a dad like that.
  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Agrees with Jupiter. THe child is better off without a father than with an abusive one. It's proof of your good motherhood that you're looking out for the child's best interests.

  9. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    You owe it to yourself and this little baby to keep him out of your lives. Trust your instincts on this because people definitely don't change overnight and he can't change with just a little therapy (if he got any at all).
    You aren't necessarily denying your child of a father because maybe some day if he truly gets the help he needs and he can change, then he can have a relationship with the father. But until then you need to think of what's best for that baby and for you.
    :hug: We are here for you if you ever need to talk.
  10. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Did you have a long relationship with the baby's father?

    I know this is different to what the other people here have said but hear me out... :smile:

    I don't think you should cut the father out of your baby's life. But that doesn't mean he has to have any time unsupervised with the child (he definitely shouldn't!).

    Don't get back with this man, don't let him have time alone with your child, and if he ever hurts you again then cut him out of the picture. But I'm afraid there's a very real danger of your child growing to resent you later on, if you just cut the father out all together and allow no contact.

    Does this make sense? Of course your baby's safety comes first. I'm just speaking from my own experience as a child with an absent father. He was (and is) a violent, nasty bastard, and he didn't want any contact with me anyway really (still doesn't, but I don't want any with him either now). My mum always made sure I knew who he was, where he was, had pictures of me and him when I was a baby that I could look at, always said if I wanted to get in touch she'd support me, and so on and so on. I think she did the right thing, and actually it was very brave of her. This man made her life hell for years, and as it is I know what an absolute d*ckhead he is but I made that decision for myself. I think if my mum had made the decision for me when I was a baby I'd have been pissed off with her.

    That's all. Sorry that this is a ramble. I'm not in a very good headspace at the moment.

    Take care :hug: x x x
  11. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    This is quite a dillema you face, and I say good for you for being concerned about your childs safety..
    I am gonna take a different approach here.. The father sexually abused you, but did he ever have any tendancies to have any sexual orientation to children? To sexually assault an adult is terrible, but to sexually abuse a child is deviant beyond belief.. as to sexual offenders being cured, the highest success rate comes with castration, in Europe where this practice is done more common than any where else there is only a 4% reoffending rate, with the last statistics that I looked into..
    I agree that you should have his visits monitored for a good long time, but if he does show that he is not oriented sexually toward a child I would consider allowing him short visits without supervison, after maybe a year of supervised visits.. those visits I would limit to only a couple hours.. learn the signs well of what it looks like when a child is sexually abused, and always check it out.. I personally believe that a sexual abuser can be cured without castration, as long as THEY have a desire to change this behaviour, but I do not believe that a full blown pedophile can be.. but right now I am doubting that the father is a pedophile, if you were with him for any length of time you should most likely be aware of this tendancy.
    Just my 2 cents.
  12. Just_visiting

    Just_visiting Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your opinions. They are greatly apreciated.
    You have given me alot to think about.
    Thanks again
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