I've thought of suicide on and off since I was about 20, but I've been playing a stupid game for about 4 years now, promising myself that I can let go once I've sorted out my home, organised this that and the other & so on to make things easier for everyone else after I'm gone. I don't know a single person in the world anymore except for my husband. I don't even have a friend on the internet. I haven't talked to anyone other than shop assistants or my husband in 2 years. I don't fit anywhere, I don't know how to trust anyone. If somebody im'd me, I wouldn't reply because I'd feel like I'm bothering them, that I don't belong. I feel like that all the time & I don't know how to change it. I honestly wouldn't even know what to do with a friend, I don't know what having a friend is like. I have no idea how to connect with anyone. I used to, before my mother interfered at school I had friends but it was such a long time ago I really can't remember how it happened. The only reason I'm married is because he talked me into it when I was on antidepressants (I didn't know what year it was) and frankly I can't forgive him for doing that to me, I never wanted to marry him even though we'd been together for about 17 years. He thought it would make me happy but it makes me cry to even think about it. It's pretty much torn us apart & to be fair to him, I can see why he's at the end of his tether with me. I love him, I have no idea why. He used to love me, part of him still does but I'm so down now that he pretty much hates me & is quite happy to tell me he's thinking of leaving if I don't buck up. If he sees me cry he gets angry & tells me I'm rubbish & that he can't wait to be with someone else. I can't sleep in the same bed as him because I've had screaming nightmares for years ( a hangover from life with mum) and I keep him awake all night. We've tried, but after a while he's just so tired I stay up all night because I feel so guilty. If I could get myself committed, I know that he would leave me. He thinks feeling depressed is just being weak and that you can just snap out of it. I used to work touch typing, but I damaged my wrists (wore out all the cartiledge in them, the damage spread up both arms & now I can't always raise my hands enough to tie my hair back) I tried getting medical help, that's how I ended up on antidepressants. I got medically retired from my job but was too depressed to claim for injury & it's been too long now so the Royal Mail got away with that one. They just kept telling me at the time I was depressed and when I told them of course I was depressed, I can't pick up a pint of milk without dropping it I was told I wouldn't open up so there was no help for me. I stopped taking the antidepressants because I sleepwalk & it made it worse. I'd find myself wandering around in my pjs a mile away from home having left the front door open, how I didn't get burgled is a mystery to me. I often wake up & find I've opened the front door, sometimes I've left the house (muddy shoes or feet being my clue) sometimes I might not have. Now with the credit crunch I've lost my business, I'm having to sell my possessions just to eat & I'm avoiding the guy from the mortgage company who is basically going to tell me they'll repossess my home (I owe three months mortgage at the end of this month) so I'm throwing away my possessions bit by bit as I have nowhere to go & nowhere to put my stuff. I can't afford to put it in storage. My husband doesn't care if we lose our home, he's taking a degree & doesn't want to do anything else - his family have offered to pay for his courses (he's half way through doing a home study degree with the Open University) and he can live at his mothers house while he completes it. I'm not invited. He's spent years making out to them that I'm a complete flake. I've been wanting to die for years & made the mistake of telling my husband once. Now his family think I'm a nut & I know I'd better not fail if I do decide to do it because he has promised me he'll leave me if I survive. I don't know what to do, I can't find a single reason to bother with another day so can anyone come up with a reason? Things won't get better so please don't tell me that they will or they might. I just hoped someone here might have some coping mechanisms. I'm about to be homeless at nearly 40 years old. I have no job, no money, no credit, no friends or family, no usable skills with my damaged hands, no references because I've almost always been self employed. My husband has been offered accomodation with his family but they won't have me. They don't know me, I think I've seen them for a total of less than 24hours since 1990 but they all think I'm a piece of crap. I can't go 'home'. Apart from the fact that I don't know where my family live anymore, my mother was the root of my problems in the first place. She's completely nuts & all of it is malicious. eg. She tried to get me committed when I didn't like school dinners on Thursdays in school - she had my gp convinced I was anorexic, although the doctor did apologise later. She had me abducted from my bedsit & tried to get me commited when 3 days before my 18th birthday I went on my first ever date - I had coffee with a boy. That one didn't work either, probably because my neck was black & blue from being throttled by her family when they snatched me who she convinced I was a prostitute. After that it got worse. The last time I saw a member of my family, they crossed the street to avoid me - that was about 20 years ago. I'm sure this thread is rambling, but if I don't post it I'll end up giving up right here and now so sorry if this doesn't make much sense. It's not exactly that I want to go, I just don't want to stay & I don't know how to cope with waking up anymore. I don't know where to go.