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Can anyone find me a reason to live?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shiner, Jan 27, 2009.

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  1. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    I've thought of suicide on and off since I was about 20, but I've been playing a stupid game for about 4 years now, promising myself that I can let go once I've sorted out my home, organised this that and the other & so on to make things easier for everyone else after I'm gone.

    I don't know a single person in the world anymore except for my husband.
    I don't even have a friend on the internet.
    I haven't talked to anyone other than shop assistants or my husband in 2 years.
    I don't fit anywhere, I don't know how to trust anyone.
    If somebody im'd me, I wouldn't reply because I'd feel like I'm bothering them, that I don't belong. I feel like that all the time & I don't know how to change it.
    I honestly wouldn't even know what to do with a friend, I don't know what having a friend is like.
    I have no idea how to connect with anyone.
    I used to, before my mother interfered at school I had friends but it was such a long time ago I really can't remember how it happened.

    The only reason I'm married is because he talked me into it when I was on antidepressants (I didn't know what year it was) and frankly I can't forgive him for doing that to me, I never wanted to marry him even though we'd been together for about 17 years.
    He thought it would make me happy but it makes me cry to even think about it.
    It's pretty much torn us apart & to be fair to him, I can see why he's at the end of his tether with me.
    I love him, I have no idea why.
    He used to love me, part of him still does but I'm so down now that he pretty much hates me & is quite happy to tell me he's thinking of leaving if I don't buck up.
    If he sees me cry he gets angry & tells me I'm rubbish & that he can't wait to be with someone else.
    I can't sleep in the same bed as him because I've had screaming nightmares for years ( a hangover from life with mum) and I keep him awake all night.
    We've tried, but after a while he's just so tired I stay up all night because I feel so guilty.
    If I could get myself committed, I know that he would leave me.
    He thinks feeling depressed is just being weak and that you can just snap out of it.

    I used to work touch typing, but I damaged my wrists (wore out all the cartiledge in them, the damage spread up both arms & now I can't always raise my hands enough to tie my hair back)
    I tried getting medical help, that's how I ended up on antidepressants.
    I got medically retired from my job but was too depressed to claim for injury & it's been too long now so the Royal Mail got away with that one.
    They just kept telling me at the time I was depressed and when I told them of course I was depressed, I can't pick up a pint of milk without dropping it I was told I wouldn't open up so there was no help for me.
    I stopped taking the antidepressants because I sleepwalk & it made it worse.
    I'd find myself wandering around in my pjs a mile away from home having left the front door open, how I didn't get burgled is a mystery to me.
    I often wake up & find I've opened the front door, sometimes I've left the house (muddy shoes or feet being my clue) sometimes I might not have.

    Now with the credit crunch I've lost my business, I'm having to sell my possessions just to eat & I'm avoiding the guy from the mortgage company who is basically going to tell me they'll repossess my home (I owe three months mortgage at the end of this month) so I'm throwing away my possessions bit by bit as I have nowhere to go & nowhere to put my stuff.
    I can't afford to put it in storage.
    My husband doesn't care if we lose our home, he's taking a degree & doesn't want to do anything else - his family have offered to pay for his courses (he's half way through doing a home study degree with the Open University) and he can live at his mothers house while he completes it.
    I'm not invited.
    He's spent years making out to them that I'm a complete flake.

    I've been wanting to die for years & made the mistake of telling my husband once.
    Now his family think I'm a nut & I know I'd better not fail if I do decide to do it because he has promised me he'll leave me if I survive.

    I don't know what to do, I can't find a single reason to bother with another day so can anyone come up with a reason?

    Things won't get better so please don't tell me that they will or they might.
    I just hoped someone here might have some coping mechanisms.
    I'm about to be homeless at nearly 40 years old.
    I have no job, no money, no credit, no friends or family, no usable skills with my damaged hands, no references because I've almost always been self employed.

    My husband has been offered accomodation with his family but they won't have me.
    They don't know me, I think I've seen them for a total of less than 24hours since 1990 but they all think I'm a piece of crap.

    I can't go 'home'.
    Apart from the fact that I don't know where my family live anymore, my mother was the root of my problems in the first place.
    She's completely nuts & all of it is malicious.
    She tried to get me committed when I didn't like school dinners on Thursdays in school - she had my gp convinced I was anorexic, although the doctor did apologise later.
    She had me abducted from my bedsit & tried to get me commited when 3 days before my 18th birthday I went on my first ever date - I had coffee with a boy.
    That one didn't work either, probably because my neck was black & blue from being throttled by her family when they snatched me who she convinced I was a prostitute.
    After that it got worse.
    The last time I saw a member of my family, they crossed the street to avoid me - that was about 20 years ago.

    I'm sure this thread is rambling, but if I don't post it I'll end up giving up right here and now so sorry if this doesn't make much sense.
    It's not exactly that I want to go, I just don't want to stay & I don't know how to cope with waking up anymore.
    I don't know where to go.
  2. Collin33

    Collin33 Member

    Im also alone. I picked up this bad habit of getting rid of my friends gradually. I just got rid of my friends because i had a girlfriend who i loved more than anything. She left me, and im all alone. Im losing my faith in God. No one will help me. I would like to be your friend if you would not mind talking to me.
  3. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    Like I said, I don't know how to be friends Collin33, but I'll talk to you, I'm afraid to go to sleep right now.

    Why are you losing your faith?
  4. Collin33

    Collin33 Member

    I cant understand why God let this happen to me. And he wont help me get though the day. Im miserable 100% of the time.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I would like to welcome you both to SF, Shiner and Collin. :welcome: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time now Shiner and will soon lose your home. Please don't give up hun. Keep looking for someplace that you can stay. :hug:
  6. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    Have you tried asking your priest or pastor about that?
    They might be able to help you with a crisis of faith.
    I have to admit, I lost my faith a long time ago but I don't think I ever believed he was there to help you get through the day easy - finding the way to get through the day was meant to be our job, he was there anyway.
    God let some pretty awful things happen to people in the bible, as far as I remember, he never loaded more on peoples shoulders than they could bear even if they thought otherwise.
    You're here right now trying to survive though aren't you, still going even if things are bad just like I am, so however bad it seems right now, it hasn't beaten either of us yet.

    I'm sorry about your girlfriend leaving you, that sucks - was it very recently?
  7. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    Thank you for the welcome, but there is no place for me.
    As an adult without dependant children the council won't house me, they'll put me on a waiting list which will take about 5 years to get to the top of if I'm lucky, defaulting on my mortgage means I won't pass the credit check to rent privately even if I had the money to pay the deposit so I will literally be living on the streets.
    There are a couple of hostels, but they are for men only or for battered women, I don't fit either criteria.
  8. Collin33

    Collin33 Member

    Yes. She left me two weeks ago. We were going to get married. She was my whole world. people at my church dont help me. The youth doesnt like me. Im only 17.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Could you pretend to be a battered woman? Anything is better than living on the streets, especially when it's so cold outside. :hug:
  10. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    I'm a fair bit older than you Collin33, but I do remember being heartbroken when I was around your age.
    I've been in love twice, once when I was about 20 and right now.

    The first time, it ended very badly & I felt like I'd had everything that mattered torn out of me.
    At the time, I thought I'd feel like that forever but after a while it did start to hurt less.
    I know right now that doesn't help much, but it is something you will get over, you just have to give yourself time to grieve.
    I know that sounds trite but it's true.
    I still think about him once in a while but it doesn't hurt anymore.

    I thought I'd never find anyone again, but one day I realised that I had healed and I found someone else I could love.
    If somebody had told me that at the time I wouldn't have believed them, but it turned out to be true for me, so perhaps it could be true for you to.

    Could you try & reach out to some of your old friends?
    You might find some of them would like to be your friends again if they got the chance.

    Not sure how helpful that is, I always feel like I'll say the wrong thing but I'm trying.
  11. Collin33

    Collin33 Member

    Its more helpful than you know. Thank you. Im sorry im not old enough to have enough experience to be of much help, but i will talk. And ill help with whatever I can.
  12. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    Trying to talk to you is has helped a little so thank you.
    You have nothing to apologise for & everyone has different experiences so you know more about some things than I do.
    Perhaps one day you'll find you can help somebody else because of what you're feeling right now.

    @Dave N

    I've never been good at lying and I couldn't bring myself to tell those sort of lies about someone else anyway, even if I was prepared to try & beat myself black & blue to look the part.
    It's a tempting suggestion, but they always have limited places & I couldn't deprive someone who really needed it either.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Shiner,
    Welcome to the forum. It sounds as though you have already come to terms that you relationship is pretty much over. I know how tuff that is. I had it happen to me also.Right now you need to take care of yourself and be a little selfish in that regards.
    I don't know what country you live in so I might not be much help. You say you can't stay at a hostel. Do they have shelters there? Do you see a pdoc? You should sit down and write down all your thoughts including the suicidal ones and also the fact that you are ready to commit suicide. Once you think you have covered them, then go to you A&E and tell them what you are going to do. When they send in someone from mental health let them read what you wrote down. Hopefully that will be enough for them to admit you. Once you start getting help ask them about your options for getting support and a place to live when you get out because if you are going to have to go to the streets then you would rather be dead.
    My thinking is that they may get the ball rolling for you sooner. I know in alot of countries over there you do alot of waiting, for months. Do you not have any siblings you could possibly stay with. My sister took me in and is my caregiver. I have been isolated for fifteen years in my bedroom. I spent fourteen of those years completely cut off from the outside world. I would go to therapy and to see my shrink and that was it. I would just lay in bed wanting to die, wouldn't move . I would stare at the ceiling fan and my mind would just be blank. All I wanted to do was die. After three years of therapy I get out of the house a little more and have started driving again.(though that still scares me). I have to go out early in the morning because if I have time to think about it I won't go anywhere. I still isolate but have found a new voice by being here on the forum. It is good therapy for me to be here and try to help others. Enough about me, I amjust rambling while I wait for my mind to catch up. I'm afraid the advice I gave you is all I have to offer, like I said because I don't know what kind of help is available where you are.
    I hope you find the help you need and you will find that the members here at the forum are very supportive. If you live in the UK there is a member here name Soliloquise who may be able to offer you better advice. Take Care And Best Wishes!!~Joseph~
  14. Ed83

    Ed83 Member

    Hi Shiner. I'm very sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment. I'll try and give a few thoughts/opinions about what I've read.

    It sounds like your childhood problems with your mother have had a drastic effect on you, since by having to avoid any contact with her - and the rest of your family from what you've said - you haven't got any family to rely on. It's unfortunate that you had a (I hope without offending you) psycho mother who put you through that sort of thing, trying to tell you you were mad when really she was probably just taking out her own feeling about herself on you.

    You're married but it sounds like you have a bad relationship with your in-laws, meaning your only family is your husband. You say you also have no friends, so basically you totally rely on your husband as friend and family.

    Firstly, your husbands priority should not be some stupid degree, (and this is something he can defer for a year or two and still do later), it should be in providing shelter and food for you both. What kind of idiot would want to study for a degree when their house might be reposessed and their wife will not have anywhere to stay? If he's only half way through then being an OU degree this will still take a few years to finish. What kind of idiot prioritises donig some stupid qualification ahead of their top priorities in life - to provide a shelter and food to their wife and kids (if they have kids). I myself went back to university after taking years out in order to finish my degree, and I'm still not sure it was worth it. I'm nearly 26 and finished it in the summer, but it took a lot of time and money to do that final year of studying, and the benefits are far from immediate; maybe it'll aid me in the future but all anyone wants at the moment is work experience rather than academic qualifications. My point is that your husband is being a total idiot making this degree the main thing in his life; his top priority must be the welfare of you, his wife, and then other ambitions. I can't imagine someone wanting to live with their parents in their late 30s/ early 40s (I guessed your husband is in this age range), and spend ages finishing a degree; it sounds surreal. The whole point of OU is that people can have lives at the same time as studying.

    It sounds like people - your husband in particular - takes his problems out on you as you seem extremely stressed and paranoid about the future. Given all of the things you've listed I believe you must be a very strong person not to have had a nervous breakdown by now. Everything is much easier if you have a couple of friends or some family members to help you with stuff, but it can seem 100 times more difficult if you're doing it all by yourself, especially after going through so much stress.

    The fact that you have the internet at the moment is a good thing because it isn't difficult to make friends on the internet, (although it can be hard to find good friends who stay in contact for a long time), and you can find people to talk to, even though it'd be nicer to know people in real life.

    You should start planning what you can do for accomodation because you definitely don't have to be on the street. It might be because of worrying about this so much that you've convinced yourself this is the only way. You should talk to your husband and demand that he provide you both with accomodation and tell him that providing you both with shelter and food is his priority and not his degree. If he's an arsehole like you have said though, he will probably not agree to do this. Perhaps there is some legal way you can force him to help you out financially due to you being married since I doubt he can legally do nothing to help you while being married to you.

    It will help if you make some friends, albeit just online (and then maybe on the phone or in person too), as this will take a load off of your mind by talking about things with people. Also you should find some way of doing something social, like going to a club or class in the evening, or even church, (although I disagree with religion, it might be good to be around people and some people may be nice or supportive). Maybe you should phone the samaritans while your husband is out and tell them about everything that's happening, and they will be able to advise you about things such as who to talk to to sort out accomodation and they will help put all of your worries into perspective. I'm sure this is worth it for you as you have so many problems and stresses and so few people to talk to about it.

    I hope some of my thoughts help a bit. I'd be happy to talk to you about things more if you want someone to talk to. You're welcome to add me to microsoft messenger or yahoo messenger if you have either of those.

    Take care,

  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    WOW, excellent advice:eek:hmy:
  16. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Hi Shiner,

    The only thing I can offer in terms of any kind of advice is to get a social worker. I am also unsure of what country you live in, but I'm assuming you're in a country with support programs. In Canada, for example, we have the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) and you can phone up and make an appointment to see someone. You will be set up to meet with a social worker, who can really be of help in situations like yours.

    It sounds pretty scary, the position you are in. But it is one that you can get through. You need support though. Try getting a social worker and go from there.

    Let us know how you're doing,
  17. Shiner

    Shiner Member

    I'm in the uk & I don't see any doctors for anything - I haven't done for a few years as frankly I have no faith in them at all.

    I spent 19 months at home in pain every day on a waiting list to get my wrists tested when I originally damaged them, was told those 19 months later that even though they couldn't get my thumbs to move no matter where they put the shock things (I can't remember what it's called, but they test nerve impulses to see if you have damaged nerves) I was fine & that if I didn't feel better soon I could have a course of steroid injections in my wrists. They handed me a set of metal braces to help support my wrists and that was that.
    I'm terrified of needles, they make me hysterical, I tense up so much that when I had glandular fever they couldn't get a blood sample because I was freaking out so much.
    At the time, I'd been on a drug I can't quite remember the name of, it was called something like Zispin (definitely began with a Z) which made me barely aware of anything. I'd forget to do anything at all for a week at a time literally & had no idea what year it was so they changed me to Citalopram and made me an appointment with a counsellor.
    The counsellor was trying to do that talk therapy thing, the one where they basically just say "What do you think?" over and over again but don't listen to a word you say.
    At the time my major problem was an inability to use either hand - to this day I have difficulty writing more than a dozen words without pain although I find typing easier now - this was a work related injury caused by rsi.
    He just kept saying variations on what do you think.
    When I told him that if I knew how to feel better & regain full use of my hands I wouldn't be there, he just said he didn't think therapy was suitable for me so I didn't bother going back.
    The fact that he didn't even get my name right on my second & last 15 minute session didn't really encourage me to make an effort & the annoying 'soothing voice' put my back up anyway.

    I took the Citalopram for a couple of months but it didn't seem to help so I just gave up on Doctors altogether & have never been back.

    All the drugs did was change me from a size 8 to a size 12-14 & it's only now, about 3 years after giving them up that I'm back to a size 10 (only just & depends on the make)
    I have a horror of being fat, I always have and being the size I am now just makes me feel worse. I feel ashamed whenever anyone sees me & I wear a coat even in the middle of summer (although I only get dressed if I leave the house which is only if I absolutely have to so normally it's a giant dressing gown) so I don't have to see myself.

    There are many support groups for immigrants, refugees, ethnic minorities, children, old people etc...
    As an adult member of the indigineous population without dependants I basically slip through the net, there really isn't much help out there for me.

    I'm afraid of even trying to get committed somewhere, not sure why exactly as I have no idea what it would be like.
    Perhaps it's because it's a great unknown.

    My mother is a psycho so no offense taken.
    I ran a very successful business several years ago & had at the time she found me a five year waiting list of customers.
    My work has since gone all over the world & some of it is in museums. It's been in the windows of Harrods & sold at Christies.
    After she started hammering on my workshop doors screaming about me being a prostitute, I don't love her, Gods going to smite me for being a generic expletive etc.. and harrassing customers in my shop business became somewhat difficult & frankly I couldn't live with it anyway it made me feel so ashamed to have people I had previously had a professional relationship with assuring me that they didn't really believe it. I couldn't go on.
    Even though she lived hundreds of miles away, as soon as she found out where I was, she'd got in her car & driven down to do this to me.
    I ended up changing my name, moving to a different place & leaving behind a 15 year career to start again doing something else.
    Now I've damaged my hands, I couldn't go back to it even if I wanted.
    Amongst her other highlights are telling people I am possessed and that this happened when I was 6 (I was born on 6th June, she is a catholic of the worst kind, only reading the end of the world & smiting stuff, hating everyone who isn't her kind of catholic)
    Fortunately I really don't remember much before the age of 14 at all, just odd flashes of her being drunk & screaming because she'd locked herself in a wardrobe & various attacks with a set of rosary beads.
    She also used to tell me I was sexually abused as a child (because of being possessed & therefore it was my fault) which may or may not be a lie, she seems unable to distinguish between fantasy & reality so it's anyones guess.

    I don't have any family option that doesn't include this woman, as far as I'm concerned that means I don't have a family option at all.
    I have a sister & a brother, they are both complete fuck ups and constantly borrow money from her.
    She does toned down versions of the same things to them but I'm the oldest & for some reason I get it a million times worse.
    If either of them had my address or knew anything about me they'd sell the information to her next time they wanted a loan - a mistake I made before.
    She pays for information about me - that's not paranoia, that's fact.
    I used to bank at the Nat West but I found out one day that my aunt worked there & was printing off copies of my transactions & giving them to her.
    She got annoyed at something on one of them and came waving it in my face.
    Now I bank elsewhere.

    My husband does have a time constraint on his degree, he must complete it within a set period or he will not be permitted to take a Masters so he hasn't got a couple of years to put it off as there is a limit on the amount of courses you are permitted to take in any single year. He hasn't got time to take a year off without giving up on his dream.

    I have been homeless before, I ran away & lived in a park in London for about 6 months when I was 18 so I do know what it is like.
    I was clever & managed to avoid the common problems people can end up with being homeless so I never took drugs, stole things or sold myself but I don't want to end up there again.
    I was much younger then & more resiliant though & I didn't feel so hopeless.
    I just can't seem to think straight anymore.

    I should have done my books by now, they have to be submitted by the end of Jan or I'll get a fine but I can't get myself to bother.
    I just can't seem to find the wherewithal to do anything at all except cry or try not to cry at the moment so while I know I should be trying to figure out what to do, I just can't seem to make myself think of it in anything more than the abstract.
    I feel like I'm making myself a victim by acting like one but I also can't seem to stop acting this way.
    I haven't even managed to complete doing the washing up for a month and I have a carrier bag full of letters I haven't even opened, not sure why as most of them aren't even bills or anything, just stuff like bank statements or account reports.

    It just feels like the time is right for everything to be over now, if that makes any sense to you.
    It's like part of me has decided that enough is enough and doesn't care about these problems because I won't have to deal with them.

    I also know that if I go ahead with this I won't fail.

    I've spent quite a lot of my life learning to not think of things, that's how I used to deal with being hurt.
    Now I really ought to be focusing, something in me feels bent on letting it all self destruct and I know I should be bothered, which is why I'm on here being more honest than I think I've ever been but the truth is, it's not spurring me into action and I don't know what it's going to take to stop me just giving up.

    I'm also not the kind of person people ever believe needs help.
    I don't come across that way in real life and even though it's a front, I don't know how to put it down because I don't trust anyone at all.
    If I did go to the doctors, they'd probably just send me home with some pills or a patronising comment, they only give you about 3 minutes for an appointment anyway and if you exceed that time they just say they have other patients to see.

    This really has got rambling, I guess I needed somewhere to vent this more than I realised because I've just realised that for every word I've typed I could find a hundred more without effort.

    I'm not sure that it's helping me though although I would like to say thank you to the people that posted - it almost feels like someones listening.
  18. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hun, i am reading this. . . . i just sent you a private message.
  19. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i just read your posts. including this last one.

    i am sorry you feel so hopeless and sad. (i am angry, though i don't know you, that your mother would treat you that way. maybe i should feel pity, because she obviously has problems.. but i can't. just angry. i have 2 daughters. i would not treat them that way) i think you are so lucid when you say you won't turn to your mother. obviously not a good idea.

    you are so intelligent and articulate.

    the name of your thread, . . . the reason to live is that you DESERVE to be peaceful and full of joy - on this planet. in the now. and you deserve ONLY the best things. you are a valued and treasured person. i can see that THROUGH your writings.

    you are in PAIN. and it is distorting your reasoning (hey. it happens to all of us here)

    look how positive it is, to reach out here like this. make yourself vulnerable. what a great step that is. ! you don't even see it yet - but i do - i see opportunities, and hope.

    now. first of all, stay in touch here. there are so many experiences here that you are always going to get advice/tips/lifelines. . .. that make sense to YOUR experience. someone is always here.

    pm me anytime you want to talk. :hug:
  20. Ed83

    Ed83 Member

    You're clearly an intelligent person and have been very successful in the past with your own business; am I right in thinking you did art or illustration?. I'd be interested in hearing more about this, even though it may be a bit off topic here : ).

    I have a friend who has been very bi-polar all her life and she also had a horrible mother; in her case her mother was also a very religious christian or catholic and used to accuse her of being mad and needing to be committed etc, when that was just an expression of some complexes of her own. Also her mother used the fact that Dana had bipolar to convince authorities that she was unfit to look after her baby girl, and stole her child from her, even though she was capable of looking after her girl and had a home and a husband etc. My friend Dana is a lovely person, and very intelligent, but she has fluctuating moods and can get depressed or hyper easily, and I think this was catalysed a huge amount by the difficulty of having a bad mother. What your mum did sounds like an absolute nightmare; to be hounding you when you were successful at work; it sounds more like she was possessed with a demon and was intent on trying to destroy anything positive you achieved. I think there's nothing more evil than to tell a person throughout their life that they're possessed because they were born on a certain day out of religious fanaticism; she does sounds like a total nutter, and I'm very sorry you've had to endure that kind of behaviour from her, as well as having to lose contact with your family because of her.

    I understand the feeling about having a pile of letters / mail to sort through and procrastinating looking through it. A couple of months ago I was feeling down about various stuff and procrastinated sorting through mail and paperwork for weeks on end, and this only led to my application for job seeker's allowance etc being delayed for longer than necessary. My advice is to clear the dining table or something and just go through it all until it's finished. You don't have to decide what to do with each letter, but you can at least see what's there and put them into piles.

    Back to your husband's degree; I'm not quite sure why if he takes longer than a certain time to complete the BSc that he can't do the masters. In any case, the universities are more flexible than they seem about these kind of things, especially when there are mitigating circumstances. And if you have a BSc then that's the entry requirement for a masters, so he can apply to do it at the OU or even somewhere else part time in the future. His priority isn't this degree at the moment; and they will definitely allow more than the 6/7 year maximum allowed time to complete this degree if there are mitigating circumstances, which there are if he needs to save the money to pay for food and accomodation for you both. Will he really have accomplished a dream if he emerges in a few years with some masters degree which may or may not be of use, and in the meantime he's been living with his parents, and his wife is homeless or has even committed suicide? He needs to wake up and stop being such a fool about this stupid dream of academic glory when there are much higher priorities.

    "It just feels like the time is right for everything to be over now, if that makes any sense to you. It's like part of me has decided that enough is enough and doesn't care about these problems because I won't have to deal with them." From all you've said, you're under an amazing amount of pressure and stress at the moment, seriously talking about the idea of being homeless, which for someone so intelligent and dignified would be outrageous. That's never going to happen because you're not going to let it. You just need to work something out, and it looks like you're not going to work it out being stuck indoors. You'll feel a lot better if in the morning after having a shower you get dressed as though you were going to go out, so no walking around in a dressing gown all day; be ready so that if at any moment you wanted to go out then you'd be confident to go out. Also, actually go out somewhere every day, even if just for a pointless errand like buying some items of food from a shop. By making a habit of getting properly dressed every day and facing the world you'll give yourself more confidence even if you don't enjoy it much.

    It's no surprise that someone under that kind of pressure would feel suicidal; it would be more concerning if you felt suicidal but couldn't work out why; here there are very concrete reasons, and I think if you get through these concrete problems then there's no way you'll feel suicidal any more. It's tragic that someone as clearly intelligent is talking so matter-of-factly about suicide; it would be a big loss. Please don't consider doing anything when there is still a lot of hope, even if in your own mind you've already been over everything a million times.

    It'd help to give advice if I knew more about your daily circumstances: does your husband go to the work during the day? What do you do during the day?

    So far I'd advise you get dressed every day as though you were going to go out, and open all the curtains and some windows, and this will give you more of a feeling that you're prepared for the day. Then you should make sure you go out at least once during the day. Also you should sort out that pile of mail in one go because it's only adding to the weight on your mind, and it's an easy way to take some weight off.

    "I've spent quite a lot of my life learning to not think of things, that's how I used to deal with being hurt." "This really has got rambling, I guess I needed somewhere to vent this more than I realised because I've just realised that for every word I've typed I could find a hundred more without effort." If you have a hundred words for every one you typed, you should do. There are lots of people who will be happy to read it and help you. Writing about stuff can really help to get things straight in your head and can break some thought patterns that linger.

    "Now I really ought to be focusing, something in me feels bent on letting it all self destruct and I know I should be bothered, which is why I'm on here being more honest than I think I've ever been but the truth is, it's not spurring me into action and I don't know what it's going to take to stop me just giving up." It seems obvious to me that you've had to deal with too much pressure and stress to be able to find a way of dealing with it; everyone has their ways of dealing with stressful situations, but when there are more variables put into the equation, it can become too much and seem hopeless. My suggestion is to chip away at it one thing at a time, and if you can resolve a few of the individual problems then what you are left with may be easier to deal with. If you can't decide what to do first, just choose something arbitrarily, e.g. read all of your unopened mail and sort it into important and unimportant.

    "I'm afraid of even trying to get committed somewhere, not sure why exactly as I have no idea what it would be like. Perhaps it's because it's a great unknown." From what I've read, I don't believe you have any mental problems at all, although you no doubt have found everything very traumatic, and it doesn't seem right that you'd be committed just because of circumstances out of your control; you're clearly very intelligent and very switched on, and your circumstances are extremely difficult, or your future circumstances seem very difficult. It's only natural that you'd feel very bad due to these pressures and difficulties, and it doesn't have any reflection on your sanity; you're just under a great deal of pressure and need help; in my opinion help of the practical variety and not of the drug or psychotherapy variety. You need some concrete solutions to problems you're facing, of all scales big and small; you don't have to find solutions all at once but just sorting small things out to start with will make things easier.

    Your matter of fact talking about living on the streets, being committed, or committing suicide are all very sad and I believe none of them have to be at all, it just seems that way to you at the moment. Once you start sorting things out bit by bit, including things like writing down/talking about your problems, I'm certain you can find a solution that doesn't include either of those three, which all seem so inappropriate for you from what I've read from you so far.

    Like I said before, you can add me to microsoft or yahoo messenger if you want to talk to someone, or send me a message on here. I'll send you my messenger addresses in a PM so you can add them if you want to.

    I hope you're ok, and remember there are lots of people who will listen to your problems and try and help you so you're not alone,

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