Can anyone find me a reason to live?

Status
Not open for further replies.
#21
@Ed83,
There is something very calming about reading your posts so thank you for taking the time to read mine, but I'm not nearly as together as I sound.
You sound so together I don't really understand why you are here.
Maybe in that way you're like me.
I think it's one of the reasons that nobody ever believes I can't cope.
They think I'm more competent than I am.

I'm not that clever - I had a car accident when I was 17, part way through studying for my A levels. I couldn't walk for about 6 months so I had to stay at home (I'd been in boarding school on a scholarship before that so I only had to come home weekends. I had a weekend job so I could pay for my stuff, the only thing I got after I turned 16 was a roof over my head, £5 a week for school dinners & a postal address.)
As soon as I could walk again, I tried going back to school but she started turning up at the boarding house accusing me of having an affair with a lesbian student & school became a nightmare so I ran away in a polite way from home - told everyone I didn't want to do A levels anymore & left to get a job - because I couldn't take another 2 years of being in the same county.
She found me just before I turned 18 - I'd rented a room for a month from the aunt who worked in the bank when I'd first moved upcountry & I'd stupidly opened my first bank account at the bank she worked at.
When I moved out of there into my first bedsit because I was no longer welcome at my aunts (guess who'd had a chat) I hadn't given her my address but of course I hadn't thought about the fact that it was on my account.
My family had a lot of influence with the local church where my aunt lived, & because I only had 2 changes of clothes when I first left home apart from school uniform - I didn't even have bedding so I used the curtains in my bedsit room as a bedcover - they thought I was shaming the family turning up looking so scruffy at church so they basically told the parish priest to talk me out of going to church or they'd stop making substantial donations.
I didn't even have a decent coat because the arm got destroyed when I'd been knocked over and it had a hole in the elbow big enough to stick a leg through.
That conversation with my parish priest was the last time I went to church.
Ten minutes before he told me that, he'd accepted a £100 cheque from me as a donation - he cashed it as well.
What kind of church does that to a 17 year old girl?
As you can see from this, I'm not clever at all.
I should have stayed & got my A levels, I should have known enough to know I could have asked to be put into care, I should have been a better judge of character instead of always thinking people are good really.

As for my husband.
He's out during the day at the moment - he works for me.
I only do some of the site work nowadays - until a few months ago I had got together a small crew who did most of it for me so I could focus on design etc..

I used to specialise in horological case restoration with an emphasis on specialist finishes, so things like refinishing antique japanned work, replacing & repainting scenes on cracked painted lights, creating new casts of brass or plaster fitments on things or colour matching damaged panels etc..
It's kind of arty I suppose. Also did repro cases indistinguishable from antique pieces, but people were passing them off successfully as originals so I stopped building repros.
That's the business I shut down.
It's all hand eye coordination and I've lost that last bit you have when you do things that gives you the finest motor control. I can no longer draw an optically acceptable circle for instance.

More recently, I was running a small specialist building company, designing & building secret rooms, putting in new fitments that are indistinguishable from period pieces (built in wardrobes ala the Edwardians, Roof finials etc...) and some more general work like designing & installing custom kitchens & bathrooms, custom sandblasted glass replacement sheets for things you can't get anymore or oddments of one off furniture.
The skilled stuff you can't get from most builders basically - the difficult work.
I pretty much set it up to employ him because he doesn't do well with being paye & having to do what other people tell him but he is a hard worker & he's skilled.
I used to get a lot of repeat business, somehting I'd never expected but once people saw the standard of the work they'd get you in to do everything over time.
Despite what the news says about people fixing up their homes instead of moving, the phone has suddenly died. No enquiries at all since before October.
Currently I've let all my other staff go except him & he's finishing up one last site - the customer had booked the job to start after Christmas some months ago, it's the only job I've had in for the last four months.
There's only about £2,000 left to come in from that job and that won't catch me up on my mortgage never mind paying for the MOT (due last week) or the montly dir debs.
He can't handle money, he just gets it all wrong & got himself into a lot of debt spending any credit anyone would give him so I had to take over everything a couple of years back.
After I made the mistake of buying a house on a joint mortgage at the time when they were handing out credit cards like candy, he drew down £18,000 on the house (idiot me didn't realise you could get it just on a phone call & I hadn't realised how bad he truly was with money then, I thought he'd got past that as he'd messed up financially before and we'd sorted it out) and racked up a pile of bills elsewhere having a lovely time eating out, visiting friends & family - his family are scattered all over the world
We nearly lost everything then.
Faced with the situation now, he'd just walk away from it - it's his reponse to problems.
eg. He has a site mobile, which is one of the contact nos in the Yellow pages & all the other places I advertise.
Because I owe one of my suppliers money & they are used to using that no because of site deliveries they phoned it.
First he accidentally 'broke' the phone, so I put that sim card in my personal mobile so I no longer have one.
Now he won't charge the phone, keeps 'forgetting' to bring it with him & turns it off now that I'm making sure he brings it fully charged as soon as he leaves the house.
He doesn't pick the messages up either.
Repeat customers always used to phone that mobile, they always want to speak to someone right this minute & he used to be good at sales.

He's a great believer in the fact that money doesn't exist & whilst I can accept that on an intellectual level that well may be true, in the real world if you don't pay the bills you end up on the street with no food.
Nowadays I just give him pocket money each week in cash as he has no banking facility & that's the only money he has to think about.
Every bill is in my name except the mortgage which is joint.

The OU will only accept you on the Masters program (he's studying Pure Maths) if you complete your degree within 6 years, he's currently averaging 97% across TMAs & end of year exams - it's his talent & his passion.
I have to admit, I think he'd pick Maths over me.
He's not the one paying for it exactly.
He works for me & I pay for it out of his wages, because if I gave the money to him he'd just spend it.
He doesn't do planning ahead, he'd just think the money would magically appear each December in time for him to be on the courses - which it would now his family will pay for it if I don't.
He does Maths & he drinks - the Maths to excess the alcohol I think to excess because he comes back from site, has a bath opens a beer & studies maths or watches tv whilst drinking until he goes to bed, but he doesn't. I can't keep spirits in the house because he just always feels like having some until there's none left
It replused me so much - I have bad associations with alcohol because of my mother - that I'm basically teetotal now.
Not that I don't drink, I just never feel like it from one end of a year to the next.
Under all of it however, he does actually mean well, he just can't do pressure.
All of this makes him sound much worse than he is by the way, he is a good man, just not the way I need him to be when the chips are down.

I also appear to have a fatal attraction to people with a strong Maths ability which is weird because I'm more of an Art & literature person.
I didn't realise it for the longest time, but every boy/man I ever dated except 2 has at least a BA or BSc in Maths (you can do a BA if it's pure maths) even though they didn't necessarily at the time & now one of the two exceptions is well on his way to getting his degree, how weird is that?
The other one is dead.
I never told my husband that now that I think of it.

His family think I work for him (he's a general builder by trade) & that me running the business is a clever 'scam' by him because basically his pride wouldn't allow him to let them know how dumb he is with finances. He doesn't like paperwork so he won't do any.
I never really cared what they thought if his pride needed to be bolstered like that, so I let him say what he wanted - now they think I've been living off him.
It's much too late & it would be to complicated to bother trying to set them straight if I cared to.

I am just so very terribly tired of picking myself up, sorting myself out and starting again because as far as I can see I'll just have to keep doing it forever and I really don't want to anymore.

I think I must be jinxed or something because if something stupidly bad is going to happen to someone, I'm the lightning rod that will draw the bad luck.
Fate can only smack you in the face so many times before it manages to break your teeth.

I asked him if he would kill me the other night because I wanted everything to just be over.
He wouldn't of course, he just went to bed after telling me if I didn't sort myself out he'd leave.

I really wish he had.

I've got to meet the mortgage guy on Tuesday & I have nothing to say to him.
I can anticipate no income at all in the future to pay for anything, I live in an area which has high unemployment at a time when businesses are folding practically daily and there aren't any jobs to be had.

I wanted to die before things got like this, I was struggling to find reasons to be alive when I had an income, an ISA and no overdue bills.
I used to use stupid things like that he needed me to keep things ticking over or that I had to get the attic sorted out.
Now I'm all tapped out on reasons.

@MdmFontaine
I did get your pm, I was going to reply but his alarm went off & he'd go nuts if he knew I was on this site.
I wasn't trying to be rude not answering.
It's taken me so long to type this I can hear him waking up now so I'm posting this quick so I can delete my internet history & turn the computer off before he comes downstairs.
 
#22
No problem, I'm glad my posts are helpful to you. My own circumstances are a bit different and I might go into them someday, but I didn't really look on this website because of feeling suicidal; more just to see what problems other people have, and after reading some felt like offering some advice. I probably do sound more together than I really am :) , I have my ups and downs but things are panning out ok at the moment.

Where you're saying you're not clever based on decisions you made when you were about 17, it sounds to me like you had some very hard decisions to make and practically speaking didn't reallly have the chance to finish your A-levels because of home problems. I was lucky to have had a very stable home environment when doing A-levels meaning I had a quiet environment, and didn't have to worry about working or anything, and generally wasn't stressed but just enjoyed learning. And from what you say, your mother was already causing you big problems right back then. As far as the church taking money from a 17 year old, that hardly surprises me, and I'm not surprised you have bad associations with it and don't consider it a place to go for help; I've never been myself so I can't say you're wrong. It sounds like you were plunged into the adult world of fending for yourself from a really early age.

The fact you have ran businesses and organise everything shows you're intelligent in my opinon, as well as judging by how well you express yourself on here, so I think you just have self esteem issues on that, but you're definitely a smart person.

It sounds like your husband has been a nightmare financially speaking; some people are sensible and keep in mind how much they are spending and have a feel for the mathematics of credit cards etc (i.e. knowing they are for mugs), and some people just spend money they do or don't have without thinking. My sister used to be engaged to a guy who had problems with handling money and he got into gambling debts, and this was one of the reasons she broke up with him in the end. I can image how stressful it would be to have joint finances with someone who is irresponsible with money.

You say your husband isn't as bad as you've said; from the threats you told me he gave you about leaving you/divorcing you and not helping you if you're out on the street etc, I think you're under some kind of illusion; it'd take a weak person to say stuff like that to their wife.

As far as the maths stuff goes, it sounds like he's on some kind of ego trip thinking he's a great mathematician and can be an air head and irresponsible, and that the world owes him something. I used to be a little like this, but I don't think I was as selfish as you've said he is. And why is he not better with finances if he is good at maths; is it just that he's irresponsible and doesn't care?

Incidentally I'm a mathematician too; I finished my degree in maths this summer, and the majority of my degree was in pure maths, or theoretical stuff in applications of maths. I love maths myself and think of it as much or more like an art than a science. In fact I signed up for the masters degree in maths at the OU in november but decided against it at the last minute, partly for financial reasons and partly because it'd take at least 3 or 4 years to finish and I really didn't want to start another thing that would take that long to finish.

It sounds like your husband is very irresponsible and on some sort of ego trip about the maths stuff, and really needs to sort his priorities out; i.e. making your you both have a roof over your heads etc. It sounds like you're pretty much the bread-winner though, with your husband working for your company. The fact you have to employ him and also manage both of your money just shows how childish he is in my opinion, and he should go out and get a job to support you both. The dream of doing the masters degree is not important in comparison; he's never gunna be an Euler or a Gauss; it sounds more like a mid-life crusade to be a great mathematician, but at the end of the day great mathematicians have PhD's by the age of about 24, so he should realise it's just his passion and not his top priority. It's almost like a club chess player deciding to go on a crusade in mid-life to be a chess master and neglecting their family life in order to study chess and play in tournament to get the master title.

Also with the OU thing, I don't know if he's pulling your leg, but after he finishes the BSc, he could take a 10 year gap, or 20 year gap, and still enrol for the MSc there, or anywhere else, on the strength of his BSc, so I think you're having the wool pulled over your eyes on that one. And if they've already given him an offer, he can decline it and reapply once you and him are both sorted out financially.

The fact his family think you work for him is pretty pathetic if he's too embarassed to admit it's the other way round. "He doesn't like paperwork so won't do any"; the more you say, the more I think he needs to be put through army basic training or something to have his arse kicked and to stop thinking stuff is below him.

Sorry if you find this criticism difficult; I just want to tell it from my perspective and that maybe, (especially as your husband is the only person you have regular contact with), you are under some kind of delusion that the way he treats you or acts is acceptable.

It's no surprised you're tired of picking yourself up; not only are you organising everything yourself, but you've had someone leeching off of you for a long time by the sound of it. People only have so much energy and you're not super human; everyone needs to pull their weight, but you're having to deal with some difficult if not impossible problems with people making it harder for you. I think the main thing is to acknowledge that you don't have to put up with that and that there's nothing you've done wrong that has made you deserve a hard life. You, like anyone else, deserves better than that. It sounds like you've had people getting in your way, causing you problems, and leeching off of you all your adult life.

"I think I must be jinxed or something because if something stupidly bad is going to happen to someone, I'm the lightning rod that will draw the bad luck. Fate can only smack you in the face so many times before it manages to break your teeth." It definitely sounds like you feel like the brunt of all the bad luck and negativity, and it definitely sounds like it's getting on top of you now. You probably need to sort out some of the grass roots problems, like realising you don't have to be treated badly or have to do everything for someone else, and you can have self-respect and be proud of your achievements, (like running successful businesses and keeping your head together despite a very hard start to adult life).

"I asked him if he would kill me the other night because I wanted everything to just be over. He wouldn't of course, he just went to bed after telling me if I didn't sort myself out he'd leave. I really wish he had." I'm very sorry you are feeling this bad. It might really be a good idea if you went out more, (like I said in the earlier posts, getting dressed and going out every day), and started going to other places more often and mixing with some other people, because it sounds like you're in a kind of domestic hell hole at the moment and in a prison inside your own head, swamped by negative thoughts. You need to just believe that you deserve to be happy and not be stressed all the time, and that you can work things out. It's no good being in the same place all the time and feeling hopeless with the same thoughts.

"I've got to meet the mortgage guy on Tuesday & I have nothing to say to him. I can anticipate no income at all in the future to pay for anything, I live in an area which has high unemployment at a time when businesses are folding practically daily and there aren't any jobs to be had." It's a serious financial situation you're in, but things are usually not as bad as they seem if you've got nobody to talk to about your problems and have it all going around in your head. There is always some sort of solution that you can find, and by the sound of it you're going to have to work something out because you're husband sounds too irresponsible and selfish to work out a solution to these problems.

"I wanted to die before things got like this, I was struggling to find reasons to be alive when I had an income, an ISA and no overdue bills." It doesn't sound like you were happy then, even before the financial problems, and you need to address why you felt so unhappy and think of things that might make you happier or the reasons you were feeling so bad.

"I used to use stupid things like that he needed me to keep things ticking over or that I had to get the attic sorted out. Now I'm all tapped out on reasons." One big problem by the sound if it is that where your husband is pretty much the only person in your life, if that one person starts not being nice to you, then that means your whole world is being unkind to you, and you really need to know more people if possible, rather than revolving your entire life just around this one person who by the sound of it takes you for granted and treats pretty badly. There's clearly a lot of contributing factors to why you've felt unhappy, but that's a positive because it means there's a lot of obvious thing that you could change that would make you happier, for example by getting out more, mixing with other people, sharing your problems, and having the mind-set that you deserve good conditions and good life because you're hard working and practical.

I really hope you can find some solutions to your immediate problems, and that you also try making a few changes to your daily routine that will make you feel better and will be a positive step. And I hope you start feeling better about yourself and realise that you were not born to be a victim, and that you should have self respect and be proud of yourself. Just try waking up in the morning thinking to yourself that you deserve good things; i.e. some kind of security about the future, to be happy some of the time, and to have times when you can relax and not worry, and to have help from other people and not be doing everything by yourself.

Please keep me posted on how things are going and if you've tried / thought about any of the stuff I've suggested,

Best wishes

-Edd
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$70.00
Goal
$255.00
Top