I really don't know what to call the feelings I'm having. Suicidal or just loneliness and sadness...I'm really not sure. All I know is the feelings are not good and I want to feel better. I want an exit. I don't want to be dead, I just want to not be in this particular moment. Is that how people who do commit suicide feel? A little background on my situation. I've had cancer for over 15 years. I was in my early 20's when 1st diagnosed. I recently had a recurrence and it is taking a big toll on me. The biggest challenge I face with this is the isolation I feel from those around me. It never fails. When the going gets tough, people just drop out. Friends, boyfriends, even some family members. My boyfriend started picking fights with me very soon after my recurrence. It has happened before with many other relationships. People don't know how to deal with my illness so they don't. They just find a way to go away. And sometimes they try to make me end the relationship by picking fights so they don't feel like they're the ones responsible. Afterall, who wants to be responsible for dumping the girl with cancer... It's so easy to drop out when it's not happening to you. I would like to drop out too, but how do you drop out of your own life? I can think of no way other than suicide. But, I do not want to die. I just want to drop out of this situation. The absolute worst part of having a chronic illness is the loneliness that comes with it. I know with a fair amount of certainty that if I was told I have say a month to live. I could send out an email to all the people in my life telling them that and telling them that I'd like the opportunity to say goodbye....I bet less than 5% would take the time out of their day to do that. I used to worry that people would worry too much about me. Now I feel like people are indifferent about it. Like they're just apathetic toward the whole situation. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation, but here I am. I feel like this illness is a burden on those in my life and while they have the option to be done with it, I don't. I feel so sad and empty. I don't want to die, I just want people to care.... If I do feel like I'm going to hurt myself or do something bad, what do I do? Should I go to the emergency room? Or call a therapist? I've never been to a therapist before...I'm so lost in all of this. Thanks to anyone who has read this and thank you for any help you can give me.