I don't want to have these obsessive thoughts anymore. After spending hours of my day reading up on methods and their complications, I started crying hysterically. I don't want to do this. I'm in so much pain and I suffer so much everyday I don't have any solutions. Therapy has not proven helpful after years, and I even have 4 therapists right now. I've asked for help from various doctors, therapists, adults, etc. for a few things and I'm even more upset that they haven't been addressed when it could be making such a big difference in my life. Its hard for me to be open because I don't trust anyone with my thoughts, they are too dark for anyone to know. I need a mind reader, a form of help that doesn't exist. This makes me think I shouldn't exist. I just want to feel okay again. I feel guilty, embarrassed, angry, sad, and anxious about all the things that have happened to me recently. I don't know what I can do to feel safe again and everything seems hopeless. I'm in a crisis but I don't know where to find help. I'm scared about what will happen and even if things get better in the future, these weeks permanently leaving lasting pain and memories that ruin my life.