can anyone help me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by serena, Nov 13, 2010.

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  1. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    I don't want to have these obsessive thoughts anymore. After spending hours of my day reading up on methods and their complications, I started crying hysterically. I don't want to do this. I'm in so much pain and I suffer so much everyday I don't have any solutions. Therapy has not proven helpful after years, and I even have 4 therapists right now. I've asked for help from various doctors, therapists, adults, etc. for a few things and I'm even more upset that they haven't been addressed when it could be making such a big difference in my life. Its hard for me to be open because I don't trust anyone with my thoughts, they are too dark for anyone to know. I need a mind reader, a form of help that doesn't exist. This makes me think I shouldn't exist. I just want to feel okay again. I feel guilty, embarrassed, angry, sad, and anxious about all the things that have happened to me recently. I don't know what I can do to feel safe again and everything seems hopeless. I'm in a crisis but I don't know where to find help. I'm scared about what will happen and even if things get better in the future, these weeks permanently leaving lasting pain and memories that ruin my life.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    How frustrating and painful...I am so sorry...I think that sometimes the thing we hide take on a life of their own...talking about them, no matter how horrific, allows a person to feel understood and accepted...I hope you remember there is a great difference between thoughts and actions...many of us have had the darkest thoughts..that we do not act on them is what counts...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs
     
  3. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    What exactly are you obsessively thinking about? I don't know if im allowed to ask questions like this.
     
  4. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    suicidal thoughts in general. i want my life to be something other than having such dark thoughts all of the time.
     
  5. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    If you have 4 therapists now and it's not really helping, I would suggest bringing up an Intensive Outpatient Program with your one of them or a psychiatrist or a doctor or whoever you see next, Its like therapy but for maybe 3-5 hours a day for maybe a week or so, I was told to go on one of those because 1 therapist wasn't enough for me, but because of me being 6 months away from 18 I can't go to one until then... It's MUCH more intensive than one hour sessions and I heard it helps a lot, I don't know whats in your area though, but if you don't want to check into a hospital it's definitely one of the best things you can do.
    Also if they don't address things you want covered, make sure they get addressed, tell them until they do it. You might go to the doctor wanting to cover a whole bunch of things but they might end up doing only 2 things, make a list and bring it with you and make sure you don't leave until they do everything you want. I know its hard telling people things, especially ones you don't trust, but it really is important that you get your point across to them. I went to the hospital twice before getting the help I needed, only because 1. I was afraid to say what was on my mind and 2. They sort of pushed me out the first time saying that I would be fine, since I didn't mention that I was suicidal. If I mentioned it the first time I would have been given help immediately.
     
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    the fact that you know that you don't want to die is a good sign and a good start.

    It is also good that you have reached out for help.

    It seems necessary for you to find someone to trust enough to tell them about what is going on.

    A support group or group therapy might be good for you. If you can hear other people talk about experiences that are similar to yours, that may help you to start talking.

    If you look around this site, you will probably find some posts from folks that have similar problems.


    So you've tried some kind of treatment (e.g., meds) and found that they didn't work?
     
  7. serena

    serena Well-Known Member

    Sorry I haven't been on in awhile. I became too depressed to even write/type what was on my mind and it comes and goes. To answer your question I have tried:
    -hospitalizations (just brings you back to point A)
    -intensive outpatient DBT for 1 month (self-pay so I can't think about going back)
    -many psychiatrists
    -DBT group 1x/week for 1 year
    -current: CBT therapist, DBT therapist, psychotherapist, and I'm at a therapeutic high school.

    literally everything possible is in place so I feel even more hopeless when all of it doesn't feel adequate or nothing is helping.
     
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Serena!

    Sorry that you have been feeling so down.

    Wow, so it sounds like you have tried a lot of treatments. If you aren't able to communicate your real feelings though, therapy can't help that much.

    Can you tell your therapist the fact that you don't feel like you can talk about your real thoughts and feelings?

    Maybe one place to start would be to put up a post on "let it all out" or any other forum that fits and then just dump all the darkness out. You're anonymous here, so maybe you would be ok with just dumping it all out.

    I think that once you get it all out there, you will probably feel a whole lot better.
     
  9. thedamned

    thedamned Member

    hi Serena,

    Dont worry everything will be ok. I am with you.
     
  10. ferdinan

    ferdinan Member

    I have spent many hours researching all the methods available. I thought that I found one <mod edit, TDM -- methods> but I bailed on it. Now I am too scared to try it again because it could cause permentant brain damage. I wouldnt want to survive and have brain damage you know? Now I am just trying to get through life. It is hard, it is very hard. Everyday I think about doing it again, but I am trying to not go that route. I think that if i have already made it 28 years, then I can make it another 28 years and then hopefully Ill die of natural causes. I do a lot of research about near death experiences, and from my research suicide is just too risky. You dont know if your going to have a positive experience after death. You just dont know, and you could be stuck in the gray area, possibly forever. Then again you could be reunited with God and have a positive experience. But it is just too risky, you never know if your going to have a positive experience. I do know that through researching this topic that suicides do get punished in some way. I just dont know how severe. I think that since we are going through all this pain now, there will be a special reward for us after life is over. If being suicidal is doing anything positive in your life, it should be making you more spiritual. At least for me, it is. I consider myself a very spiritual person and I owe that to the depression, adhd, and suicidal thoughts. Something good has to come out of all this pain.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2010
  11. ferdinan

    ferdinan Member

    if you want to do some research about near death experiences and suicide check out www.near-death.com... It really has answered a lot of my questions. But there is not a lot of subject matter on suicides. I have read other sites where it says that 55 percent of suicide survivers experieinced a negative experience. If anything, this site answers a lot of questions about the meaning of life and what happens after we die.
     
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