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Can anyone help?

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Lost one

I've had suicidal thoughts and feelings for so long now, I can't remember NOT having them. I have sought out treatment and counseling, but I can't seem to make them go away. I feel like I can't discuss them with ANYONE because they will inevitably think I'm crazy, insist on more treatment, have me committed, or want me to take more pills. Let me share a quick story.

A year or so ago, there was an incident where I got out of the car at a red light, leaving my wife behind the wheel. We weren't far from home and I just wanted to walk and get away after a pretty upsetting counseling session. My wife got upset and thought I was going to harm myself, so she called the police. They found me walking and questioned me. I don't remember what I said to them but they thought I was a danger to myself. They HANDCUFFED me and took me, by force, to a mental health facility. Luckily, I was able to get transferred to a private hospital for the night. The public facility where I was taken was almost enough to make someone feel suicidal, even if they weren't when they arrived. The private hospital was better, but not by much. I was in there with people who were extremely ill, and I felt totally out of place. I was treated as less than human, my rights and my shoelaces taken from me. I got out the next day after convincing the staff psychiatrist that it was just a bad night.

Don't let anyone kid you about a facility like that. That place was not there to help me. No one EVER asked me why I might want to kill myself. Not ONCE. They really didn't seem to care. They just wanted to make sure I was locked up. It was a cleverly disguised and much prettier jail, but it was jail nonetheless. I was treated like a criminal and I couldn't get past that. That night I decided that I would never again discuss my suicidal thoughts with ANYONE. I couldn't risk being incarcerated again. So, I basically lied to that psychiatrist and told him I was feeling MUCH better, though nothing could have been further from the truth.

If I ever decided to take my own life, it would be without discussion, without a note, and without warning. Just writing that scares me, but it's true.

I don't want to feel like this anymore and I came out here hoping to find someone to talk to. I didn't even register for fear that somehow, someone would find out. Does that sound paranoid, or what?

I would welcome any friends that have felt what I'm feeling. Maybe you are someone that can help make those thoughts and feelings stop. Maybe we can help each other. I'm feeling very much like I'm at the end of my rope.

Can anyone help?
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